Prayer: God, it’s truly unfathomable the work you’re doing in me. I don’t understand much of it, most of the time. But I pray that these words I write would form into coherent thoughts. I pray that you would light the vision of those that need to read this. The light in darkened eyes that have been dimmed for too long. I pray that this blog would set people free from the suffocating chains of fear and brokenness. I pray that this would destroy the anger deep down inside of them, holding them back from reaching their true potential. I pray that my experience and the words I write are glorifying to you and you alone. That the readers will know that this has little to do with me and so much to do with you. I pray that everyone will read this with open hearts, and open minds, in hope of Your redemption and love, that you so kindly and generously give. Amen.
—this blog is long. Thank you in advance for taking the time to read it.
Back Story: As many of you know, June 10th 2014 is a day that is haunting in my memory. For everyone affected, whether it be the students at school that day, the families who lost their children, the teachers, the surrounding community, etc. We have all felt and continue to feel the unexplainable pain that comes with the tragedy of a school shooting. Over the years, there has been grieving, healing and every other feeling you can go through when a tragedy like this strikes. There had been days when walking into the school gym for my first period completely terrified me. Where I’ve stood at the doors paralyzed, in a consumption of fear that would not let me proceed. Nights filled with nightmares, where I’ve woken up in an out of breathe sweat, wishing it had never happened. Hearing a firework or some type of loud popping noise that immediately puts me into a state of fear and alertness, truly, it never fails. I’ve lived in a lot of fear and sensitivity because of the effects of that day, and up until a couple weeks ago I thought I had been healed from the anger and fear it brought into my life. But I also thought some of the effects were going to be a normal thing for the rest of my life, because that’s what trauma does to people, right?
South Africa: At the end of January, I began to have nightmares of that day. I didn’t know why, and they honestly freaked me out, so I didn’t tell anybody about them. They were horribly gruesome, it seemed as though my imagination was working very hard against me. Consuming my thoughts with pictures of darkness is what the devil enjoyed doing to me for those couple weeks. I couldn’t focus in ministry, I’d stay up late watching movies so I didn’t have to close my eyes and I kept it all inside, afraid that my teammates would worry or freak out. I realized that even watching movies as harmless as the Avengers reminded my brain of June 10th and could trigger me during this sensitive time.
Swaziland: When February began, our squad had to take a four day trip over to Swaziland. We stayed at an AIM base where all 40 of us crammed into a two bedroom house. I looked forward to being with everyone and chatting with the teams I hadn’t been with in months. But I could not shake this stupid thing. My head was still jumbled with the horrors of the past, which made trying to have an intentional conversation with anybody nearly impossible. Looking back in my journaling from that day I can see the intimate cries for the Lord, where I finally asked Him to step in and help me.
“…I’ve been having nightmares about everything again and I don’t know why. I can’t stop thinking about it. Why is this being brought up again? Why am I battling this again? I feel like I can’t talk to anyone about it, nobody can relate. There’s just too much going on in my brain to even comprehend or focus on. I either have to feel numb or feel everything. It’s completely overwhelming me and my brain. I just wish you would send someone else to open up to, that can hear me and just listen. But also give advice, in hope that they’d know exactly what to say in directing me to you for all of it.”
Rereading that prayer now is absolutely incredible to me. I have no memory of writing it at all, but being able to go back and see the prayers that were answered is absolutely insane. Here’s why;
The next day in Swaziland was one where I just felt numb. I walked outside and sat under the only shaded tree on the property, in hopes I’d have a good talk with God. A friend from another team, that I wasn’t super close with, came over and sat down next to me. He asked how I was doing, I told him I was great. I lied. He then proceeded to tell me that I could wipe that fake smile off my face because he knew I wasn’t. I asked him how in the world he knew I wasn’t okay and he told me that he could just tell something was off with me, he said “something’s different with you Kaylin. And if you need to talk I’m here, I don’t know what you’re going through and I may not understand all the way but I can still listen and try to help in anyway I can .”
HOLD UP. PAUSE. ANSWERED PRAYER. GOD IS GOOD.
Reluctantly, I opened up. I told him everything about that day; all the thoughts and nightmares that were strolling through my brain. What he told me next were some of the most life changing words God has ever spoken to me through someone. He said “I may be wrong but, you of all people have every reason to live in fear. But you’ve let God overcome that and let him walk you in His freedom of overcoming the past of that day. God can only work with what he has, meaning he can only work with what you give him. God had you walk through that in order for you to truly know what fear is so you can have the ability to walk in His freedom of that fear. He’s going to use it as a huge testimony for your life so you too can help others walk in that holy freedom.”
After those words were spoken over me I realized, not even for the first time in my life, that saying those words and lies the devil was planting in me out loud makes them lose their power. I have freedom in the words I speak and how I let them have power over a situation. Speaking God’s words of truth into that situation and telling the devils lies that they are not welcome here, creates a bubbling spring of freedom. It also put into perspective the importance of investing in others and experiencing God through them. Shutting others out lets the enemy have a foot hold in your thoughts. Hebrews 2:1 (MSG) says “It’s crucial that we keep a firm grip on the truth of what we’ve heard so that we don’t drift away from it.” This verse is real good. Let me tell ya. When we’re not constantly going to God and our community of believers when the enemy throws punches at us, he can sneak in a grab a hold of us, leaving us with lies and deceit. Ephesians 6:10-18 describes “putting on the armor of God, so that we will be able to stand against the schemes of the devil.” This is a verse I leaned hard on during this time, making sure I was constantly in prayer about what I was battling up against; the fear of the past.
I Am Foolish: After being back in Joburg for about a week we had our team time worship night. I know this may sound weird, but sometimes we like to do blindfolded worship. We put headbands on or tie bandanas around our eyes so we can’t see. That way we’re not worried about what others think when we dance and jump, and maybe even throw some air guitar or drums in there while we worship our God. It’s actually really fun. During the first song of worship, I sat on the ground against a closed door that led to a long dark hallway where all of our bedrooms are. Just when I started to get frustrated that I couldn’t seem to focus a horribly terrifying vision flashed through my mind. A big, tall, black figure running down the dark hallway right behind me, running at me with a gun. I ripped off my headband as fast as I could and sat there in complete panic. I was panting like I had just finished one of my races back in high school track. I got up and left the rest of my teammates worshipping in the back room of our house. I walked over to the living room sofa and finally just let go. I bawled my freaking eyes out. It was a cry that was silently screaming out to God, “why are you letting this hurt me so much. Almost four years later, and this crippling fear still has a hold on me. Even attacking me during worship. I don’t want this to keep happening through my whole life.” I decided then to write a letter to the devil. I told him to get the hell away from me, because Jesus lives inside of me and there is absolutely no room for his nasty games here.
I thought that just because I had verbalized the fear and prayed about it some more that it would be gone. But it wasn’t. I had let my guard down, and he snuck in again. While I sat there, sobbing on the couch, my sweet friend Kyla came around the corner, with a bible verse just for me. It was 1 John 4:18 “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.” Mmmm. That was good and God knew just what I needed to hear. After worship was over I was still really shaken up. I went to tell my friend what had happened to see if he had any input on it and before I even told him what I saw he told me that during worship he had a vision of a black figure holding a gun. WHAT THE HECK. Scary. The enemy was seriously trying to get to all of us. Even the people I had confided in.
Faithful In The Valley: After that night I finally opened up to my whole team about it. I told them about everything I had been battling and how I didn’t understand why I was still walking through this but that I needed their support and prayer. And of course, being the amazing team that they are, were fully supportive.
The next couple days I dwelled in Psalm 23; The Lord Is My Sheperd. Verse four is what gave me comfort and reassurance most of the time. “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” Along with Psalm 46; God Is Our Fortress. In verse five it says “God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved; God will help her when morning dawns.” It hurt a lot, to be hearing from God and be leaning so close to him while I still soaked in my brokenness. I felt like I was standing under a rain cloud that followed me around, like sadness in the movie Inside Out. Joy was there, yes, I could see it, and feel it but I wasn’t full of the Lord’s love and joy. I sat with God in my sad, muddy puddle of brokenness. When James 4:10 (MSG) was revealed to me. “Get down on your knees before your God, it’s the only way you’ll get on your feet.” Bam. Okay, God. Romans 8:15 “For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear.” and verse 17 mentions “we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him.” Okay, God I get it, I would say to him.
Gracefully Broken: On February 18th, one of the girls on my team came into my room and asked me to come into the living room because we were going to have a meeting. I walked out of my room to hear Kelly’s voice reading off the names of the students who were killed in a recent school shooting in Florida. From what we heard in the email, 17 people had been killed. It also said that in America there had been a mass shooting of some sort from the beginning of the year to now every other day. I quickly turned back around and went into my room, hoping nobody had seen me out there listening. I sat on my bed and I lost it. I finally broke. Anger shook me as tears poured down my face. “Why God? Why are you letting this happen to more and more people everyday?” I questioned. “If it’s still having these awful effects on me three and a half years later, how could I ever give others hope? This doesn’t make any sense, why are you letting all these people go through so much pain.” I cried out. My friend Kelsey came into our room, got down on the floor and held me while I sobbed uncontrollably into her arms. The only thing I kept saying was “I’M JUST SO ANGRY.” and “I don’t get it.”.
I hate that more and more people and families and communities have to go through what we went through at Reynolds. I hate it. I hate that more teenagers will be living in fear, just as I was. I hate that more families have to go through losing a child, father, mother or sister and brother in such a gruesome way. It’s absolutely disgusting and heartbreaking. And what sucks the most about all of this is that the only people that can truly understand what you’re going through is someone else who’s gone through the same thing. And unfortunately, there seems to be more and more people who can relate.
I sat in a lot of anger the rest of that night, randomly bursting into tears at any given moment. Sitting at the kitchen table questioning God and his motives along with getting even more mad that there’s so much evil in the world. I was mad at God for giving us a choice. A choice to choose him and his perfect love, or to run to the things of the world that leave us empty and deprived. I remember saying to Him, “God, if you love us so much why wouldn’t you just not give us a choice and let us all live with you in Heaven? Why wouldn’t you just let us all live in your love and peace and joy? Why do you even give us a choice?? Why do so many people choose to live in sin and death? It doesn’t make any sense”.
After letting myself feel those emotions and get it all out, I eventually brought myself back. It’s okay to be angry, heck God even gets angry. But it’s important to remember while feeling those emotions that I can’t sit and dwell in them. I reminded myself that God gives us a choice because he loves us that much. He loves His creation THAT much that he lets us choose between the enemy and Him. He doesn’t want to decide for us, he’s given us that free will. That kind of love is insane and absolutely incomprehensible to me, and I think every human. None of us will ever understand the depth of love God has for us because He literally is love. Galatians 6:15 (MSG) says “Don’t you see the central issue in all of this? It is not what you and I do. It is what God is doing, and He is creating something totally new, a free life!” God is in control, it’s not for me to try to fix or worry about. I can’t save everyone, that is not in my power.
Loved By The King Of Kings:
“In the waiting and patience is when the rock of grace develops inside of you.”
The next night something happened. We had a scheduled women’s meeting, where one of our ministry hosts came and spoke to us. Sitting on the same couch I had bawled my eyes out on weeks before, I eagerly awaited what God had put on her heart to say to us. She said “ So I know this may sound cliche but I really was feeling like I needed to talk about God’s love with y’all.” And she did, and may I add that she brought the fricken house down with that talk. Here’s the short snippet that changed my life.
“You know those things that shake you to the core. They make you rethink everything you thought you knew. Faithfulness? What’s that? They make you want to go home to run and hide, but you have to face it head on. And you have to KNOW He is good. You have to KNOW he is faithful. And the only way you will ever know any of that is because YOU KNOW YOU ARE LOVED. When you know he is going to walk with you every single moment. When it sucks, when it’s hard. He is going to be so good through it. God has been so good and so faithful, but it’s because I chose to face the pain. We either choose to ignore it, which makes you numb the pain with something else. We act like it’s not there. Or we face it. When we face it we HAVE to choose to turn our faces towards Him. Because with our God the fear and the sadness CAN END. HIS PERFECT LOVE CASTS OUT FEAR.”
She also read chapter 2 and 3 in Song of Songs in the message version to us. Which describes God’s complete love for us and how he longs after us to fall in love with him as He is who created us. That’s how God longs after me and loves me, and he so badly wants me to to pursue him in such a way as well. He called me out into the wilderness so he could speak kindly to me.
End Of The Tunnel: God had me walk through that again in order to show his faithfulness and love in my life. So that I KNEW of his faithfulness. So I KNEW of his love. I needed to break in order to be shown what His faithfulness looked like. I needed to break again to truly know why I have the ability to walk in freedom.
The first day we arrived at our ministry here in South Africa I prayed a big prayer that I am just now realizing has all but EVERYTHING to do with everything I’ve had to spiritually walk through here. Here’s what I said to God;
“Being here honestly makes me want more from this life and more for the Kingdom. I know you created me to do big things for this world. All I have to do is pray big prayers. So. Here it goes. God I want to do big things for your Kingdom. I don’t want a mediocre life. For some reason this place makes me want these big things for a Kingdom living, serviced life. I feel like I have this new courage, bravery and strength to start being honest with myself and what I want out of this time I have on Earth. So I’m letting go, and letting you take control, no matter what the outcome. Here goes to laughing at the time to come and not fearing the future.”
With all this wreckage and brokenness, the Lord has completely done a 180 to me. I asked for it, not realizing during, but of course after, that this was ALL apart of His plan to prepare me for his future Kingdom work. Literally the next week, it was revealed to me my God given purpose and what he created me to do in His image for the Kingdom. But he had to first clear out all the baggage and wreckage to get me there, even though he knew it’d hurt me just for a little while.
So I hope this was freeing to you. I pray that God spoke to you through it one way or another. Because I believe there’s something in here that was written to help every person reading this. I believe that God wants to break you free of whatever chains that may be holding you back from reaching your God given purpose in order to further the Kingdom on Earth.
-With lots of love, Kaylin.
