The past few months have been exhausting. I am so tired, in every sense of the word — physically, mentally, and emotionally drained. I am overwhelmed and over-committed, drowning in my responsibilities. By trying to maintain my status as an IB Diploma Candidate, cheer captain, NHS secretary, friend, daughter, sister, future world racer, youth grouper, Sunday School teacher, babysitter, healthy diabetic, worship leader, mentor, teenager/young adult, I find myself falling short every single time. By striving to give 1000% in everything, I am failing to simply be a functioning member of society. I am running on empty and attempting to serve from an empty vessel. I feel like I misplaced my joy somewhere along the road and can’t quite seem to remember where I put it. It got lost in my sea of problems: my desire to maintain some sort of control in my life, my trust issues, my fear. Fear is beginning to dictate my life again–fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of the unknown, and fear of fear itself.
In the midst of me scrambling to hide behind all of these labels I have created for myself, I have realized that it feels like my world is crumbling when just one of them is stripped from me. The thing is, none of these characteristics that I identify as are inherently bad. In fact, many are great things. However, things happen that are outside of our control. Other people make decisions that impact us, both negatively and positively. And it is inevitable that everything will not go as planned 100% of the time — the way WE planned, that is.
As these labels are being stripped of me, one by one, I am struggling to cling to this foundation I have created for myself. I am holding on with every ounce of strength I have left, terrified to release my grasp and fall into the depths of the unknown.
I struggle with letting go.
A few weeks ago we were doing trust falls at youth group. When it was my turn to fall, my heart started to race. Knees week, palms sweaty, I stood there terrified to “let go”. With a squeal, I finally relinquished control and began to fall –but took a step back seconds before my partner had a chance to catch me. In the same way, when God “waits too long” to catch us, we try to catch ourselves. We try to take back control that we were never supposed to have in the first place.
Surrender: this is a word I need to learn to embrace. We surrender one day, then take it back the next. I know who I am in Christ, this isn’t a brand new concept to me. In the same way that Peter began to sink when he removed his eyes from Jesus and instead placed them on the storm while walking on water, I lost sight of how totally in control God is. Peter knew how powerful Christ was; in fact, he was in the middle of experiencing His power. Yet, he replaced Jesus with reason and fear. Aren’t I doing the exact same thing?
Being a Christian is being called to abandon all fear, all reason, and all earthly desires. Surrender is so so difficult but its so so worth it. The Lord is good and He is in control. He is the definition of good. Why strive for what’s good when what God has planned is great? Your joy has nothing to do with what you want. Christ is your joy whether you feel it or not. It is extremely easy to say that Christ is your joy even when you don’t feel it. It is a whole other thing to actually believe that.
For every relationship lost, new relationships are formed. With every failure, new doors are opening with possibilities I could have never imagined.
