I want to talk about intentionality. Intentionality is something I always told myself I was good at but was talented in avoiding it whenever I desired. I have plenty of people who are intentional with me in the time they spend with me, the words they share, the questions they ask. I am not as good about reciprocating those efforts. I have always felt very uncomfortable in one-on-one situations because sooner or later I can’t hide behind a joke. The time will come when I might have to answer a hard question or worse: I might have to ask one.
I have admitted this to a few of my closest friends at home who have noticed that I tend to prefer group situations. If you are friends with me you may be thinking “Hey, Katie does tend to invite 1-5 other people along whenever we make plans to hang out. I wonder why that is?” Wonder, no more! I have been pondering this behavior since I became inundated with one-on-one conversations on the Race and was unable to avoid them.
When it’s just you and another person (and no internet) there’s a lot less ability to hide. I prefer to hang out in groups for a few reasons, one of them being that I really do love being around people and I get so much energy from group dynamics. I also really love my friends and I want them all to love each other and I tend to force a lot of cross-group hangouts in order to foster those relationships. But the third reason is simply that in a group I can hide. And I’m very good at hiding without it seeming like I’m hiding. When there are other people around I can avoid answering a tough question, giving an opinion on a controversial topic, or revealing something about myself that makes me vulnerable. It’s harder to just chime in with a joke or a clever observation when you’re expected to be contributing around 50% to a conversation.
The Lord has done some WORK in my heart lately. Back in October I had absolutely no interest in being intentionally pursued and known by others, especially Christians. I figured they would reject what they found. And honestly, they would find a mess. They would see what I had done wrong and what others in my life had done wrong against me. They would find out how badly I had messed up and sinned before knowing Jesus. And WORSE, they would know how much of a mess I still am even after committing myself to him two years ago. How could I still be struggling with control issues, anger, pride, seeking attention, or a thousand other sins at the same time I was saying I want to look like Jesus and follow him?
I know. I know. I am human. And sin is inescapable as long as we wear human flesh. And if you believe in the gospel, you believe Jesus when he says there is no sin that his blood didn’t pay for, no matter how many times you commit it. You believe that he sees you in all of your mess and still says “Yep, I want you. You’re mine.” You believe in grace. I had moments when I figured ok, Jesus can forgive me, but can my friends? Can people see my sin the way he does and still say they love me? That I’m not that person anymore, even when my flesh fails and I choose sin? YES. The answer is YES but I didn’t know that until I gave them the chance to do it. Until I revealed things that no one else knew, confessed the ugliness of my past and present self that I desperately wanted to hide from the world. And I was received in love and grace. Imagine that.
If I can feel that true gospel freedom of being known, desired and loved despite my flaws then I want to give that to others. I want to be a safe space for those around me. I want to make time to have awkward and hard conversations because I know they are beautiful and unique and so very worth our time.
Last night my team went out for Valentine’s day and we were discussing some moments on the race that we had felt true love from God. My teammate Rashelle mentioned two one-on-one conversations that she had had over the past 5 months. Over every other interaction and experience she’s had on this crazy trip, the moments that stood out to her were when someone intentionally asked her to spend time with just them. Dang. Conviction hit me HARD after hearing that. Here I have a new teammate and sister who is saying that being pursued by another person makes her feel the love of God in a tangible way and I have spent so much of my life actively avoiding just that. I want that love for her. I want that love for ME! And I know that Jesus wants it for us too.
I was inspired to write this blog after meeting a shining example of pursuit at our ministry site. My team has been helping out at a foster home for children with special needs this month and the experience has been incredible. In our short time there we’ve overlapped with a VERY intentional volunteer named Petra. We met her a week ago, have probably spent a grand total of an hour and a half talking with her since then, and I doubt I will ever forget this woman. She so fearlessly pursued us within moments of meeting us. She revealed a bit about her own broken past before asking each of us (there are six) how we personally came to know the Lord and what our dreams were. She would ask us spiritual questions that would bring us to study and think and converse. Each day she gave us a concise and specific encouragement, word of wisdom, or just a simple (but not shallow) compliment. I want to use my words like Petra does. To build people up, to make people feel seen and heard. I want to use my time like she does. If she could make this kind of impact on the six of us over the course of 5 days, what could God do with me and ONE other person on my team? In my family? Over my entire lifetime?
DANG. HE COULD DO SO MUCH.
In writing this I realize I am inviting in accountability on my end. I want to be more intentional with my words, actions and time. I want to not be afraid to get to know you, and for you to know me. I want to risk being rejected and learn to trust and be trusted. So, if you find me inviting a third, fourth or 8th along to our dinner date when I get home, gently remind me that you and I alone made plans.*
*Maybe give me a grace period of about a week because I truly will want to see everyone all the time and do all the things together
