Last week we got new teams. This was not a surprise to me, we had been told that team changes were coming and were even given some helpful direction in processing those changes before they occurred.
Even though I knew those changes were coming, I didn’t realize how tight of a grip I had on my team, and my best friends within that team. I didn’t allow myself to think about what walking this journey would be like without certain people at my side. These past four months with my team have let me experience Christian community in a way I never thought possible, and didn’t necessarily desire. After spending the last four months together I can say I am fully known by these women and that I know them. I have been pushed spiritually, mentally and emotionally by each of them into a place of discomfort and that ultimately made my relationship with them and the Lord so much deeper.
So if all that goodness and growth came out of that season, how could Jesus want to take that away from me?
I honestly didn’t think he would. So I didn’t prepare my heart for not seeing their names on my new team list. And when they weren’t there it broke me.
Instead of being able to celebrate the new season with the new group of soon to be sisters, I was mourning the old one. The one I didn’t think I could be apart from. I was placed onto a team without anyone I had walked the last four months with and I felt all the fear of being unknown and uncomfortable. I didn’t see any familiar names and I cried. It hurt. It hurt to flashback to the beautiful moments we’d shared and to know they might be coming to an end. I cried and begged Jesus to make it better and to just be with me in my pain. I have not spent more than half a day apart from these women in four months, and now thats over? I won’t see them for weeks at a time, let alone talk to them everyday. How could I possibly do that??
In that grief and confusion Jesus came and found me. Taylor grabbed me and through tears she prayed a big and mighty prayer that makes me tear up just thinking about it. She said a lot of beautiful things that I cant remember but what I do remember is that she declared that this isn’t OUR race. This isn’t about US. It’s about Him. It’s about his will and his people and his purposes and surrendering ourselves and each other to Him. When she prayed those words I realized once again how much I hadn’t surrendered to him. I had painted a picture of how the rest of my race would go and it was contingent on being in control. My plan for doing ministry and serving and growing alongside the people I was now comfortable with. Too much rested on that plan. I felt like I couldn’t continue to grow unless it was with these people. That I couldn’t continue to pursue Jesus or his kingdom as fiercely as when I with them. In all of those worries, God revealed to me that I was putting my faith in my sisters and not in him. Faith in things seen is not faith at all.
Faith is a word God gave me when I started this journey. It’s something I constantly think I have both enough of and too little of. Last week I learned I lacked faith in Jesus to use me despite who I’m surrounded with. I lacked faith that Jesus would continue to strengthen my friendships and relationships despite not sleeping in the same room or working alongside each other. I lacked faith that he would grow me and pursue me using people who weren’t Sam, Taylor, Edna, Kimbra, Tiffany or Sarah. I lacked the MEMORY that he had done it once. In fact, he’s done it a lot. I love my friends. I have really been truly blessed in the friends department since before I can remember. And he has been so faithful to bring me good friends and lasting relationships but I still find myself doubting that he’ll do it again.
I would not have chosen to leave my team. We had our share of issues but I wouldn’t have traded it for anything. And Jesus knows that. But he loves me so much that he’s willing to walk me through pain and share in my suffering while he leads me to something different and unknown. Something that is going to push me and make me uncomfortable and rely on him more. Something that is ultimately better than my choice because it’s HIS choice. He loves me so much that he’s going to listen to my every cry and complaint as I fight him on this, knowing that he is still going to make good out of it. Only my Jesus would do that.
Yes, I miss my old team. Yes, I started to cry last night as I pictured the past 120 nights of my life and how different they would be from the ones in the future. But man.. I am so excited about my new team. My new team received me in love and understanding as I sobbed in front of them, my heart broken after seeing their names and not my old team’s. They are so ready to know me, love me and serve with me. We are already laughing, pursuing and pushing. I can’t wait to see what Jesus has for us. He is so good. He knows us so well. I am so pleasantly surprised by his goodness all the time and I’m writing it down so I can see this the next time I doubt that.
My new team is named Wildflowers and is made up of:
Callie
Cassie
Rashelle
Jen
Britt
Myself
Welcome to the next chapter of my Race! Wildflowers will be serving at a foster home for children with special needs in Chiang Mai, Thailand this month. We are beyond excited to partner with them, especially in our first month of ministry together. Continue to follow my blogs to see what the Lord has for us in Thailand.
