This month has been weird. The weirdness has showed up in a lot of good ways that have been surprising and enjoyable, but also weird in less-enjoyable ways. I lost a lot this month. I lost a lot of familiar things, comforts and people.
Here are some things I lost in Cambodia:
-a bed that isn’t on the ground
-WiFi in my home (though to be fair, we didn’t have it during our month in Argentina either)
-toilets that: 1. Are inside 2. have a flushing mechanism 3. Are not holes in the ground
-control over my meals
-sleep (shoutout to the roosters who begin their day at 2am)
-the ability to read basic signs and maps
-the ability to communicate with locals (this one realllllllllllly hurt)
-a close relationship with our hosts
-voices of people other than my teammates
-the motivation to exercise
-running water showers
-smells that aren’t of burning trash, foreign food, or smells that would be associated with a pig farm
-the ability to truly be indoors
Given a choice, I probably wouldn’t ever elect to lose any of these things. So much of them I never even thought about as things that contribute to the comfort of my daily life. But man, I didn’t realize how many outside voices I was hearing from until I couldn’t use my phone everyday. I didn’t realize I cared so much about uninterrupted sleep, or for my words to be understood. Even the extremely limited Khmer (pronounced “kuh-mai”) I tried to learn falls on deaf ears because of my pronunciation.
I have felt really weak this month. Weak isn’t something I ever wanted to be. In any capacity. I find a lot of pride in my physical strength, loud personality and strong sense of self. But Jesus was like nah, that’s not what I made you to be. Then I was like nah, Jesus, I got this, let me do me. And instead of processing these losses with my teammates or Jesus, I ignored them. It was so much easier to quietly go through the motions of ministry and life than admitting I was uncomfortable. I didn’t want to tell my team that not having internet was really bothering me. That I actually do miss things and people and the escape that the internet provides, including an escape from my team. I also didn’t want to admit that I missed being the one who could speak the language. I missed being the person our host would go to first with an idea or a question, the person who was approached and pursued by pastors, church leaders, their children and whoever else because I could understand them. When I couldn’t even ask our Cambodia host where she kept the spoons I realized I was now in the place my sisters were in three months ago. And now I was uncomfortable and alone.
You learn so much when you’re uncomfortable. It‘s where I find myself most able to listen, learn and grow. When I’m brought to a place of such discomfort the only thing I can do is beg him to take it away.
While I definitely lost a lot this month, here are some things I gained in Cambodia:
-50 exhausting, challenging and fantastic english (ESL) students
-a perfected procedure of hand-washing my laundry
-the ability to ignore the sounds of a very awake rat as I try to sleep
-peace when your cramped mode of transportation inevitably breaks down on the way to ministry
-a new level of honesty with my team
-gratitude for a healthy body
-true enjoyment of teaching, ESPECIALLY 5th graders who have always terrified me
-more insights on where I find my worldly comforts
-physical and mental peace even though I’m not exercising
-a genuine desire to seek the presence of the Lord by myself
-consistent morning bible studies with my team
-laughs with people who don’t understand most of my jokes
-the memory of witnessing a pig giving birth
-valuing real, challenging and authentic relationships with my sisters over perceived peace
-an understanding of the power of humility and humbleness
-a taste for Cambodian soup for breakfast
I definitely gained more than I could think of to put on that list. I’m very thankful that my Jesus is a teacher. He’s a teacher and I am usually a pretty unmotivated yet prideful student. But he always finds a way to get to my heart, and this month he did it by taking things away from me. I challenge you to spend a few days or weeks without something you’re very used to having and see if you learn something about yourself. Or perhaps spending a bit of time with someone who doesn’t speak one word of your language. There are few activities I could recommend that would humble you quicker than attempting to learn Khmer.
