Buckle up, y’all it’s a long one but it’s my heart.
This past week was nothing I expected it to be. It was not filled with goodbyes, or packing, or last minute errand runs, or phone calls to my bank, or figuring out what exactly how much media I can fit onto my phone for this next year. It was heartbreaking and inspiring, powerfully difficult and undeniably peaceful. I know that doesn’t make sense, I will try my best to explain.
Specifics aren’t necessary for this story, but last week God asked me one of the hardest things he’s ever asked me. He asked me to stay. And I wept. I was angry. I was confused. I was upset and searching for something to console my heart and my mind while I began to process the decision that was laid before me. My community prayed for me, they prayed that I would be open-handed with this trip and give it all to god. They prayed that I would hear his voice and hear from wise counsel and step into this decision more prayerfully than I ever have. I nodded in agreement with these prayers as hot tears ran down my face and splashed onto the new lenses of my new glasses and I knew in my heart I didn’t want the things we were praying for.
My heart was hard and turned inward. I thought I had already made the decision. I made it almost a year ago. I asked for the money. I bought the gear. I got the vaccinations. Sometimes three or four shots in one day. God, you KNOW that! Lord, you know how many hours I’ve spent in waiting rooms for dentist appointments, prescriptions, eye exams, estate planning, doctor’s appointments, tech issues, car maintenance and so many more. How many hours I spent on the phone with customer service reps trying to figure out what kind of debit card I need and who provides it, what international phone service I’ll need, and navigating my insurance company so I could spend all that time in those waiting rooms.
I pleaded with him to remember everything I had done in preparation for this trip. The money I asked for and was provided with, the guidance and confirmation he gave me through prayer and my members of my community.
Unlike us, the Lord never forgets. He was with me in all of that and the parts I can’t remember. His word assured me that he had guided me to this point without mistake and while the timing felt awful he needed me to say yes to this trip up until this point, nine days before I was supposed to leave. And then he told me some things and asked me another question. He told me that he knew every step I had taken since I began this journey. He wrote each day long before I lived them and he saw the things I said no to for the sake of this journey with him. He knew every dollar that was poured into me for this trip and how I might never be able to pay it back. He heard every prayer that was prayed by me and for me and had not forgotten or dismissed them. Throughout this year when the hard things and decisions came to pass I cried out to him and affirmed to him that Jesus you are WORTH all of it. You are worthy of these sacrifices because of your sacrifice for me.
And once he had revealed that to me he asked me, “If I asked you to stay, am I still worth all of that?” And I had no answer. Everything I had gone through made me think that I had control over my life. I felt like this trip belonged to me and I get to do it for my reasons and I’ve already made up my mind and it would be too hard and too scary and too unknown if I turned back now.
But our Lord does NOT lead with fear! And I was so afraid. I was afraid of what I felt was wasted time and resources. I was afraid of having left an incredible job and not having a place to live. And I was especially afraid of what people would say. I couldn’t even begin to think about having that conversation or writing that letter or making that phone call. I would have to explain it over and over with friends and family and acquaintances and people I worked with and the people in my workout classes and the clerk at REI who would help me return some of my gear. And that I would have to tell them that I’m sorry but I can’t get their money back but thanks for supporting me anyway. That fear was crippling and wasn’t letting me see how God might creatively love me and provide for me through those same people who supported my journey in going. And once I wrestled with that for a few days I began to feel actual supernatural peace at the thought of either staying or going. I was wisely told that no matter what I choose it will be his will, it will be ok and that he is going to teach me something through all of this.
JESUS I AM LEARNING I PROMISE.
After what felt like a month of praying and reading scripture and journaling and meditating and reaching out to some of the wisest and closest people in my life I made a decision. I sat with that decision for a couple of nights before committing to it and then I did. And today I started packing, and on Saturday I’m going.
I am so thankful for the wrestling and the equipping. I am thankful that God is in control and I am not. I am thankful that he assures me when I doubt and that he pursues me when I cross the street to avoid him. I’m thankful he put me through this last week. He re-centered my heart on him and him alone. He showed me I do know my shepherd’s voice and that he is worth it all even if I’m gone for three days and he calls me back to Austin. He is worthy and I am thankful.
