Training camp was a lot. In fact it was so much that I’ve put off writing about it here for a whole week. Oops! My brain feels like soup. HOPE YOU LIKE SOUP! Here are some of the more tangible parts of camp that are easy for me to write about:
Living outside
Quickly learning how poorly I packed
Sharing tents and sleeping bags with squadmates who lost their bags
Sleeping in a simulated “airport” complete with South Korean airport soundtrack on loop
Eating rice a lot
Eating with our hands a lot (I actually loved this)
Cold bucket showers
LIVING OUTSIDE
Coming to terms with my caffeine addiction
Time without my phone
Hiking with my 45 pound pack
Hand washing laundry with borrowed laundry detergent because LOL I didn’t pack soap
Multiple hours of biblical lectures each day
One-on-one times with Jesus that I had been desperately avoiding for a v long time
Guys, God is so cool. He is so good and so faithful and I was so beautifully torn apart during my ten days at training camp. He is so loving and pursuing and honest and I’m so glad he is who is says he is. I’m so thankful he is the God of his word and not the one I would construct him to be if I could. I wanted camp to be a linear experience of breaking in my camping equipment, some challenging hiking, a chance to ask questions to my program’s staff, and hopefully meet a couple new friends. LOLLLLLLLL at those expectations. I was not prepared for what God wanted for me (not that I ever am) but I was especially not looking to be vulnerable with strangers and telling them about my deepest hurts and my most hidden, isolating sins.
Now here’s the part I don’t want to write about. The part where I had to look at myself and my identity and figure out who I’ve been pretending to be for the sake of being accepted. There is this part of me that wants to come to God (and people) cleaned up and presentable. The part of me that says “Yes Lord, I know you know everything about me, which is why we don’t have to talk about those really ugly parts that I’m not proud of or are really painful. We both know they exist, so we don’t need to talk about it! Thanks!” I so badly want to be worthy of his grace and I feel like I could somehow keep it together long enough to do something that would warrant his love for me. It doesn’t make sense in my human brain that just being his daughter is pleasing to him. That my faith in him as my father is enough. Because I don’t see myself that way. How could I be worth someone’s love and affection if I’m not making them laugh? Or doing them a favor? What if I’m not physically attractive to them? Or if they knew how much I cared about how I look? What if I wasn’t good at my job? What if I’m not educated on political and social issues? Who would be friends with someone who struggles with jealousy and loneliness and body image issues?
I didn’t realize how isolating some of these pains were, and how much I worked to keep them hidden. My flesh wants to be accepted and admired and desired and loved and how can I have those things if someone knew what my heart really looks like??
But Jesus does. He loves me, he wants all of me, he knows my imperfections and pain and he wants to be in it with me. I didn’t even want to go on this trip for him and yet he pursued me. I said yes to the World Race because I wanted to travel, to practice my Spanish, to serve people, to make some sense of my life and decide what I want to go to grad school for. The fact that it was a mission trip was just an added bonus but my focus was never on God, it was on myself and what the trip would do for me. But still he pursued, and he gently reminded me that he is here to love me and guide me. That there is power in his name and that I get to be part of his kingdom and walk in freedom with him because he knows my sin and forgave it. He forgave it before I forgave myself of it, and forgives me for sins I haven’t even committed yet. For lies I will tell, for anger I won’t control, for less-than appropriate jokes I will make. He knows me and wants to walk with me so that I can turn away from sin and follow him into the good things and people he has for me. And even when I don’t choose him he chooses me and we get to try again.
Y’all, God revealed this to me on day five of training camp. Day FIVE. It makes me unbelievably excited (and slightly terrified) to get to do this trip for an entire year. A year devoted to him and his kingdom. A year to spend hard moments and days and months with him and his children. I get to witness him work like this in people around the world who don’t yet know what it feels like to be free. WHAT! Y’all that’s some good news. I’m thankful for the opportunity to do this work and that he invites us to do it with him.
I’m having a hard time figuring out how to end this post. Thank you for reading. I love you and so does Jesus.
