I know that it’s time to be honest with you. I have been feeling this way for a long time now, but I’ve been too scared to let it go and give all my pain to you. Some of it isn’t even pain, it’s just what I have wanted to share but have never gotten it out. Maybe it’s in your plans that I don’t get it or don’t receive it right away. I mean there is a reason for everything I believe. Lately I haven’t been liking the person I have become. I have realized that I have been hurting people by the tone of my voice and the way I try to get my point across. I just wanna be so good and perfect but I’m so far from that. The race has been a lot of hurt and pain for me. I don’t even know the right answer to say when people ask me how the race has been. Because I don’t want to talk about it in a negative way it’s just has been. And it hasn’t been what I have been wanting. I have wanted time of laughter and fun and growth but the first start of the race was me not wanting to change, me not wanting anything from anyone because I wasn’t liking the way I was treated, when really I know in myself that I wasn’t treating people like they should have been treated. I apologize for that and I thank you for your grace and mercy that you have continued to give to me over and over again. Your love for me is so overwhelming and sometimes I have a hard time understand why you keep forgiving me for the things I have done and the people I have been hurting. I know that when I say people, that includes myself also. I don’t do a good job of loving myself. I’ve known that for almost my whole life but was too afraid to say it until I got to Lesotho. Then I thought after a month of diving in your word that I was healed from that, but that’s not true. I still struggle with knowing that I am loved, seen, and chosen by you. And I know that has a pull on why I struggle with wanting to be so perfect. I look around at the people that are on this race with me and I just see so much wisdom and encouragement that I want so badly. But there really isn’t anything I am doing to get that. I beat myself up about the ways I don’t like myself and then think negatively of people because I see them this way but then I see them another. And I forget to keep in mind that they’re human too and we all make mistakes, and none of us are perfect. Some times I think we have to be a certain way to get this approval by not only people but by you also. That totally isn’t true because I know your hands are wide open wanting me to come to you. With every bit of baggage that I come with. Not leaving anything behind. I have just felt so much hurt in the past few days and sometimes I can’t even cope with it. I hate how I haven’t had that fun time on the race as I see other people have. I hate how I have wanted to go home so many times just because of the way I was feeling or thinking I couldn’t handle the pain anymore. But really you only give me the pain that I can handle. Sometimes I feel like it’s loads and loads of pain just piling up but really it’s not because I haven’t taken it off my shoulders to give to you. To literally have you take it away from me. I guess I think I’m too good for you and think I can handle it all on my own, as I have felt my whole life. Like I take the pain away from others and want to fix it but really you’re the only one that can. I’ve been stuggling with what you want me to do next in life. I know college is somthing I desire and I know that if it’s something I desire, you will have a heart that will be by my side to desire it with me as well. I wanna make a difference in your kingdom- in the kingdom of foster care and adoption. The kids out there that are stuggling to think that no one sees them and loves them. No one to call papa. I wanna make children know that they are so loved by you. I want you to give that glimpse into your eternity for them. I just wanna be able to make a difference and I wanna start now. Going back to my character and the pain that I have been going though- Jesus I just wanna give it all to you. I wanna give you the race and ask you to make it better with the next 30 days I have left. For me to see things the way you see them. For me to not get mad so easily. Gosh that’s a big one. Because I get mad so easily with the title of ministry. I have such a big heart on ministry and I thank you so much for giving that to me. But when I see people just sitting around not doing anything, not doing the things we are called to do, makes me really upset. I signed up for the race to make people feel loved and to make a difference and take some of the pain they’re feeling off of them. To make their life just a little bit easier, and I feel like sometimes I am the only one doing that. I love my ministry right now and I just want to do that for them. I wanna be able to see ministry through your eyes and the way that you want me to continue to do it. I just want so badly to be this good person. That can be so wise and encouraging and put all that into my actions also. With putting you first. And making it known that I have you in my life. I understand I’m human and I’m going to have suffering and I’m going to have hard times. It’s just time for me to actually start giving you that pain. And to let it all go. To honestly stop being so selfish and to start making things less about me. And more about you and others. Who am I to say that the race has been so much hurt when you’re just taking me down a path of continuous growth. I mean there is always growth that comes from pain. And I’ve just needed to have more pain to have that. I’ve just been having a hard time seeing your goodness and faithfulness through that and also through all the pain that Alex has been going through. I mean it’s been going on just as long as the race has. There is a reason why you have put him in my life before I came on the race. And being on the race being so far away from him. Having to be 100% in your presence, the person who gives off peace. But worrying about what’s happing next with him. I mean one minute it’s his liver, kidney, and now it’s his heart and brain. And him literally having no one there to go through this pain with him. He is too stubborn to let you in. He struggles to have you in his life because of everything that’s going on. He says he doesn’t blame you and he’s not mad at you, he just can’t understand why it’s happening to him, especially at such a young age. I don’t understand either. I just have to hold my head up high to give him strength and encouragement when really I can’t do it much longer. Because I love that man and I can’t take going through this pain anymore. Knowing that he is having seizures, passing out and having to go to doctor appointments all by himself is hard for me. Yes a guy I just met a month before the race has come into my life and has shown me to love and support like no one has ever done before. I just can’t understand why I love and care about him so much and I hurt for his pain. I’m scared for when I come home. I’m scared for us going on dates and for something to happen where I have to rush him to the hospital. Or I have to be with him at his doctors appointment. Because I don’t want him to be there alone when he gets told how much longer he has to live. No one should have to go through all this pain alone. I shouldn’t have to go through this pain alone. And that’s why I am giving it all to you today. To literally ask you to forgive me in my bitterness, selfishness, and my anger. To ask you to give me the things I want so badly. For you to start pouring myself into your words so I can actually get wisdom and when I get that wisdom that I would be able to share it with people all out of love. For me to actually start loving myself and the way you have made me. For me to see things through your eyes. For me to see things through the pain I am going through and the pain that Alex is going through also. For me to not be mad at you for thinking he is going through all this pain alone when I know you’re right there by his side. I know who you are, I know who my God is. Sometimes I have a hard time believing that or actually believe that I know who you are. I need you to bring this new spirit out of me. I thank you God for your ears of hearing me through my pain and my cries. And your eyes for always watching me and being there for me. I ask that you would give me that spirit to know that you are always always with me. And you see the desires that I want to have as well. I pray 1 Corinthians 13 over me God. I want my love to keep its distance from envy, and I don’t want to resent it when someone else is promoted or blessed and I am not. I want my love to be out of action. I want it to be anonymous. Not to get praise or think I did a good job. I want to focus on the needs of others. I don’t wanna be self-focused. I don’t wanna be prideful or even spiritually prideful with that wisdom and encouragement that I wanna give off as well. I wanna give kindness and have good manners. I don’t wanna be rude to people. I don’t wanna be provoked. I wanna grow in patience. I don’t wanna store up the memory of any wrong I have received. I wanna put the hurt of the past behind me and not cling to it. I want to want the best for others. I want my love to stand on truth and I wanna have pure love because that comes out of my work. I wanna choose to believe the best of others. And I wanna see it happen. I want my love to be out of hoping for the best. I want my love to countue to go on and grow. To never give up. I want my gift of loving ministry and doing it well to be more out of love. Because this gift is only through love. And the love that you have given me. Jesus, I continue to pray this over me and ask that you would be by my side through it all.
– your daughter, Katie
