Every night at debrief we have an all squad meeting starting with worship, and ending with one of our leaders or mentors pouring into us. Tonight, our squad mentor shared bits of his testimony. He spoke of how he needed to forgive the people that hurt him. He spoke of having to forgive his grandparents for something that happened when he was a teenager. And in his story, he spoke of a time overseas when he prayed over someone to forgive themselves. His testimony had a main point of forgiveness, and how we need to forgive ourselves- maybe in our pasts, or maybe someone we’ve been hurt by.
I’ve heard church talks and messages about forgiveness before, so at first nothing really struck a cord. I felt like it was inapplicable to me because I had nothing to forgive. I didn’t need to forgive my cousin, my parents, or my family because I already had. Yet I couldn’t help but think. I felt a pull on my heart for something that I couldn’t figure out. Our mentor came back into the room and said he felt like someone in the room was holding back and needed to forgive.
After he finished, I left the room and started bawling. At first, I didn’t even know why. My leader started to pray for me, and I realized God was asking me to fully give it all to him- all my hurt, all my guilt, all my bitterness towards the people who have hurt me in the past. I felt an overwhelming amount of peace wash over me. It was peace like I have never felt before. I spoke out, “God I’m giving this all to you and I’m going to forgive my grandma. I need you to be with me because it’s hard and it hurts. But it’s in your hands.” But my leader kept saying there was more that needed to be forgiven. So I forgave another person, and another, and another. But God was still asking more of me- so I forgave myself. It was hard, but I knew I couldn’t let the past get to me anymore. I knew I had to let God use me and continue to grow me. I felt freedom that I never have. This moment was also special because I heard Gods voice and that’s something I’ve always struggled with.
I know that God is working in me and continuing to grow me. Im learning to love myself the way God creates me to be. I’m feeling freedom and grace and ready for what else is coming.
