I’ve been reading through the old testament over the last few months, and I always have to underline and write notes to the side, every time I read something that speaks to me. Something new I have been doing is dating the notes that I write, so that looking back, I can read what I learned in a specific season of my life.
So, on December 16th 2017, I read Deuteronomy 1 and 2. Now, December was when I first became exceedingly grateful for the race, the friendships that developed, and how sweet and strong my relationship with the Lord was. The lord was teaching me, I enjoyed my time with him, ministry was wonderful, my team was thriving (we still are btw). In general, I felt on top of the world. As if I was on a mountain top.
And I read Deuteronomy 1:6, “You have stayed long enough on this mountain”
Throughout the old testament, God’s chosen people often journeyed to mountains to meet with Him, they would camp at the base of mountains while Moses hiked up to have an intimate encounter with the Lord. I imagine this was a really sweet time for Moses, to get to experience the lord so closely, to see his face, to hear his voice. I imagine it felt similar to how these last nine months have felt for me.
The sad thing is, Moses was sent down the mountain, he didn’t get to stay there with the lord forever. In fact, after he leaves the mountain, the Israelites enter into war, in order to possess God’s promise land. They began a long fight to obtain what the lord had promised them. It was difficult for the Israelites, they questioned God, they had to fight to believe in God’s goodness, even though they had seen it with their very own eyes. They had to fight to obey him, and faced severe consequences when they failed to. Amongst all these hardships, God was ever present, but still the Israelites were sincerely struggling. I don’t know about you, but it would have been easier to have just stayed on the mountain.
I go home tomorrow. I get on a plane in just a few hours. I’m leaving the best mountain top I’ve ever experienced.
And I want to stay.
The environment we have created on the race encourages me, challenges me, makes me feel loved and known. My daily routine is proclaiming the name of the lord and serving others. I am deeply in love with the lord and rooted in him. There is nothing I want to change.
But just like the Israelites, it’s time for me to go, there are things I need to fight for. He who started a good work in me will bring it to completion, no matter where I am, mountain or valley, race or home.
We know the end result for the Israelites: a land flowing with milk and honey. God promised them provision, he promised them an end zone, and he promised to get them there. He just didn’t promise it would be easy.
God is incredibly kind to me, endlessly gentle, and undeterred by my stubbornness. I imagine God and me sitting on this mountain top, my arms crossed, lips pursed, scowling a little bit, because God’s sending me off this mountain. And he just looks at me fondly, takes one of my hands gently, and says, “Kara, you’ve stayed long enough on this mountain. I have more for you, things you can’t learn on this mountain top. But I still promise you a land of milk and honey.”
I’m pretty confident that my God doesn’t hand out downgrades. What I mean by that is God won’t give me a season of life that is “bad”. It may be more challenging, difficult, and all round confusing, but nothing he does is purposeless, so if he sends me through some hard stuff, I can rest in my confidence in his faithfulness towards me. His love is perfect and therefore I have no reason to fear. Haven’t you heard, perfect love casts out fear. That’s real good news for us.
But going home is hard.
Before we left for the race, we wrote a letter to ourselves to read on the field when we got homesick or the race seemed too difficult. Here is what my letter said:
What breaks your heart?
What does love require?
Where are your feet?
These questions are why you aren’t home, because you know that love is what love (God) required of you. You know that Jesus is out there in the world and you wanted to see what he looks like everywhere. So just keep looking for Jesus.
Fear will not hold you. Homesickness will not hold you.
Jesus has big things in motion this year, wherever your feet are. You are growing stronger, free, and more beautiful every day. And he is not finished yet. So even though you are having a hard time paying the cost of following Christ, remember, it is so worth it.
You want to look like joy and peace and Jesus. To share love with those who are strangers to the love of the lord.
You want to recognize the faces of the men, women, and children from this year, in heaven one day.
Thank you, Brad Flurry, for introducing those first three questions to me in Nicaragua, my junior year of high school. Those three questions pushed me to commit to truly pursue the race. They continue to push me.
The other day I reread my “homesick letter”. And I felt prompted to rewrite it, starting after the three questions:
These questions are why you have to go home, because you know that love, is what love requires of you, Kara. This time it’s to love those at home, serve those at home. You know Jesus is out there in the world, because you have seen him with your own eyes. But Jesus isn’t just out there, he’s always been back there, too. So just keep looking for Jesus, in the mundane everyday life, the celebrations, the hardships, everything associated with life before the race.
Fear will not hold you. Being sick of home will not hold you.
So even though you are having a hard time paying the cost of following Christ, constantly abandoning more and more of self, and choosing brokenness and dependency on the Lord: it. is. worth. it.
You are called to look like joy and peace and to embody Jesus in every single way, to the people back home. Kara, you want to see those faces in heaven one day. Your family, your friends, the people you briefly come in contact with in modern day America. You are called to reveal the true love of Christ with people who are deceived into thinking they already know the extent of the father’s affection.
I’ve renamed this the “sick of home letter”
When I miss the race, when I want to go back instead of being where my feet are, and doing what love requires in front of me, when I rather not be fighting and wish I was on that mountain top again, I will read this, and remind myself, this is what love (God) requires of me.
It is time for me to go home. There are battles at home that I will have to fight in. I will question the lord’s goodness even though I have had nine months of experiencing his goodness unlike anything else before. Despite my failures, he will prove to be who he says he is, again and again. I will grow and learn and discover more and more of my wonderful savior. I will continue to fight for his name and use my life, to bring others life through the love of Jesus Christ. And I will know I am walking in the promised land God gave me, wherever my feet are, even when it’s not a mountain top.
hello friends and family : ) this is it. the last one. ever.
I wrote this my very last day of being on the race. Its now been a month and a half since I’ve been home. Truthfully, I haven’t wanted to post my “Last Blog”, because then its really really over, and I have loved getting to share with you guys through this blog.
Life Update: I’ve had to read the “sick of home letter” a few times: ) I have had to remind myself that life at home is just as purposeful as my time on mission overseas, because I am exactly where the Lord placed me and he has work for me here. I am happy to be home, and to be with the people around me. Its just a little strange still, as to be expected. i miss my team and my world racers, lots. thank you gap o for the most wonderful community. The Lord has placed an undeniable, unquenchable desire to do missions overseas and being here feels a little like waiting around, but there is so much growth and beauty in the waiting. There are days I am frustrated and impatient, but my trust and confidence in the Lord is only ever expanding. I will be attending the University of Oklahoma in the fall, studying business and nonprofit organization. Very excited to begin learning and preparing to work with ministries all over the world to continue doing what they are doing more efficiently and effectively.
thank you for reading, for commenting, for praying, for talking about these blogs with your family or neighbor or friend. i have heard so many stories about people reading and sharing and God is so glorified by that. thank you for letting me be a part of the ministry, thank you for joining this ministry.
In every way, i mean this with all sincerity,
it has been an honor and a privilege
may God bless you all
love yall,
kara
: )
