Are you uncomfortable? I usually am (seriously, if the topic of sex is brought up in a conversation, I immediately start looking for an opportunity to remove myself or change the subject) but this important. So, back to sex.
Sex is a beautiful thing. Unfortunately, it often gets twisted into something forbidden and shameful- especially in the church. Too many churches spend way too long telling children and teenagers that virginity is essential without really explaining the reasoning behind this principle. They spend too much time demonizing sex rather than talking about how beautiful it can be in the intended context.
Now, what’s so wrong with this? WARNING: DON’T FREAK OUT AND STOP READING WHEN I SAY WHAT I’M ABOUT TO SAY.
Virginity isn’t what is important. BOOM I said it. Now let me explain what I mean before you write me off as a heathen.
I’m not saying virginity is a bad thing, it is a good thing, but I am saying that we focus too much on virginity. God wants us to avoid sexual sin- this means that he does not want us to have sexual relations in a context other than marriage. This is the ideal I think we should be teaching because when all we do is focus on virginity, we alienate people who don’t fit into that category. Now, you might think, that’s fine, they shouldn’t have been sleeping around or given into temptation or whatever but is our faith not based on forgiveness? We also give people this idea that once they have had sex, it is all over and they have lost their virginity so it doesn’t matter, they’ve already lost it so they can just continue. But this isn’t the case! Our God is a God of forgiveness and love. He knows that we mess up but He loves us anyway and, even if some people don’t want to hear it, his forgiveness applies to sex too. God doesn’t think you are less than or “damaged goods” if you’ve had sex.
So many people come to know Christ in the midst of their high school and college careers, times when many people become sexually active. Once they become Christians, Jesus takes away their sins and past transgressions right? So why can’t that apply to sex? We are so caught up on this idea of “virginity” that we fail to see how we can hurt people. We make them feel less than or like they are incomplete when we should be welcoming them in, loving them, and telling them that God has taken away ALL of their past sins. Do you doubt that God has the ability to do this? I don’t.
I’m not saying that there won’t be potential pain or earthly consequences in someone’s future if they have had sex before they become a Christian or get married but the shame and guilt that they are already putting on themselves surrounding these sins is enough without the church adding to it.
Now, since I am currently serving in Southeast Asia, let me give you another scenario, the one that actually prompted me to write this blog. What about people who have been trafficked? What about the child who was sold into sexual slavery when she was 9 years old? What about the woman who was sexually abused as a child and knows that men will buy her body so she falls into prostitution when she has no other way to feed her family? What about the girl who is forced to be a prostitute and have sex with random men more than 15 times a day? Is that too far from home for you to relate? It shouldn’t be because many people are trafficked in the US as well but let me give you another example that might resonate. What about the boy who is molested by his father? What about the young woman who is raped her first week on a college campus? None of these people had a choice. All of these people deal with so much shame and hurt on a regular basis. I want them to know the love of Jesus because they have been so unloved by this world. But, my biggest fear is that these people will walk into the church ready for that unconditional love and acceptance and be made to feel inadequate. Trust me, he/she doesn’t need us to tell her that- she already feels it every day.
God doesn’t blame her for the terrible things that have happened to her so why should we? Teach her about sexual sin and how to avoid it moving forward, don’t shame her for the things in her past that she could not control. She has spent her whole life feeling less than and if the church that I love contributes to that, then we have failed to love like Jesus.
And you know what, a lot of us mess up even when we are following Christ. High school and college can be difficult for everyone and peer pressure is real. The 16-year old who feels like he had to have sex with his girlfriend or the high school sweethearts who give in to temptation before they go off to separate colleges are not terrible people. God still loves them just as much as He loves everyone else on this planet. And they deserve my love and kindness as well. They deserve to be welcomed into the church just as much as anyone else.
The fact of the matter is that we all struggle with temptation and sin- it just looks different for each of us. My struggle is not with sexual sin but that doesn’t make me any better or more worthy than someone who does struggle in this area. We are called to show everyone love and forgiveness- it is not our place to judge, simply to love.
