TLDR (if you didn’t know, this stands for Too Long, Didn’t Read and is basically a really short summary of this blog): God loves you no matter what and there is nothing you can do to make Him stop loving you. His love is not based on your accomplishments or merits.
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written, “For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.” No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
-Romans 8:35-39
I’m going to tell y’all a little story about a younger version of myself who took organic chemistry. It was a complete disaster but we’ll get to that in a minute. First, I just need to say a few more things about Jesus.
Salvation comes only through faith in Jesus Christ. The Bible says this many times (Ephesians 2:8-9; Galatians 2:21; Romans 9:31-32 just to name a few) but it is still something that I struggled with for a long time. God wants us to do great things and He enjoys seeing us succeed but the moment we believe that God’s love for us is in any way contingent on our successes, we’ve totally missed the point of the gospel. God sacrificed His one and only son for us so that we could be freed from the bondage of sin and receive the free gift of eternal life. The Lord loved us so much, even though He knew that each and every one of us would mess up, that He saved us from death.
How could we possibly deserve this? The truth is, we don’t. God extends His mercy and grace to us so that we may be saved. Our worth, our value, our salvation- none of this comes from how well we perform or how “successful” we are on this earth. Salvation comes only through faith. That’s it. Now, as promised, back to chemistry.
For as long as I can remember, I was “the smart kid” or the “nerd” that did well in school and liked to read. I played sports too but I was pretty average. People expected me to perform a certain way because I was seen as smart. I started to base my identity on being “the smart kid” and performing well academically rather than in Christ. This was also a time in my life (high school) where I didn’t have a lot of guidance in my faith. I wasn’t actively involved in a church and I basically had no idea what I was doing so this really isn’t surprising. But this continued even into college. My freshmen year was academically rigorous but I did well and it seemed like I was going to be able to hold onto my “smart kid” identity. Then my sophomore year of college hit me like a freight train.
If you have ever studied biology or had any sort of plan to attend a health professions school (or really if you’ve been to college and talked to anyone majoring in a science), you’ve heard of the horror that is organic chemistry. I went into sophomore year knowing it would be challenging but I had great friends surrounding me and I still felt like I was smart. I remember one particular night when I was studying with my normal crew, Ben, Sam, Tyler, Kirkland, and MacGregor and we were all joking about how hard it was and how terribly we were doing. I laughed along with them and said I was actually failing and after a few minutes and some clarification, I realized that I was, in fact, the only one of us who was actually failing. They all agreed it was tough but for the most part, they were all sitting comfortably in the B range while I was trying desperately to climb into the C range. How was this happening? I was supposed to be “the smart one,” the one people could go to for help, not the one that needed help. My identity was literally crumbling before my eyes.
Outside of academics, I was also a Resident Assistant in a freshmen residence hall (shoutout to the Brach Squad and Brachman for being the greatest building EVER). I was super excited for this position but as the year progressed, I felt really connected with my residents and staff but it seemed like most of the my friends from freshmen year didn’t really have time for me anymore. In hindsight, most of this was in my head- I really did have some awesome friends (my normal study crew above was solid and so were my “triad” friends), I just didn’t know how to reach out to them and tell them I was struggling. Bottom line, I felt very alone. School was really hard- harder than I imagined and I was so confused because I had never struggled so much with academics. People expected me to be good at school and all of a sudden, I was leaning towards making 3 C’s (which, prior to that semester, I probably would have fainted had you told me that I would ever make a C).
Thankfully, God gave me an incredible staff that supported me and which included Lindsay who is now one of my best friends. She helped me tremendously and we grew so much closer to each other and to the Lord. I also have to say thank you to my friend Tyler for being the person I probably spent the most time with that year. We spent 99.5% of that time studying but he was still a great friend that I trusted and I knew he would always be there for me. He was there to comfort me when my grandmother died and he would even come to Brachman to study with me so I never had to walk home alone late at night. My residents were also incredible and many of them are still my dear friends today. If it wasn’t for them and for Lindsay and Tyler, I really don’t know how I would have made it through that year. They were bright spots in a dark point in my life.
I felt alone and worthless because the only thing I thought I would always have going for me, school, was not going well. I was second-guessing my dream of becoming a veterinarian and I thought that God was disappointed in me. I thought I was a failure. I felt like I wasn’t good enough for Him. I remember frantically emailing my favorite professor (and though neither of us knew it at the time, future flag football teammate), Dr. Chumchal. I don’t remember the exact words he told me other than the fact that he also struggled with organic chemistry and clearly life worked out alright for him but I remember leaving that meeting and feeling an overwhelming sense of calm. I felt a peace that I hadn’t felt in a long time wash over me. Dr. Chumchal, whether he knew it or not, essentially gave me permission to stop clinging to my identity as “the smart kid.” He helped me realize that I had so much value outside of my GPA. I was going to be a great vet because of so many other qualities I possessed and that my organic chemistry grade was not going to define my future.
Through the struggles and frustration of organic chemistry, I found my true identity. I wasn’t “the smart kid” anymore, I was Kaitlyn, a beloved child of God. I had placed my value on my GPA and, more generally, on my ability to perform and succeed for so long that I forgot the most fundamental promise from God: He will ALWAYS love me no matter what. God’s love for me is eternal and my salvation is through faith in Jesus Christ. I don’t have to be “good enough” or fit the world’s definition of successful to have value.
So, as awful as it was, I thank God for organic chemistry because I was lost in this false identity based on my accomplishments I had built up inside my head for years. God stripped that identity from me in the only way possible: by taking away the very thing in which I placed all of my value. He took away my ability to be “the smart kid” so that I could no longer rely on that false self and he took away the easiness of living with all of my closest friends in my freshmen residence hall. He took away the things in my life that were keeping me from turning to Him and discovering my true identity as a beloved daughter. John 1:12 says that God gave us the power to become His children. He gave us this identity- we didn’t earn it by being successful or by performing well. He chose to adopt us and make each and everyone one of us His child. We just have to accept this gift from Him through faith. You are His child and so am I, even though I made a C- in second semester organic chemistry lecture.
Organic chemistry absolutely wrecked my GPA but I can confidently say that even though I hated every minute of it, organic chemistry also saved me.
Fast forward three years and here I am, sitting on a balcony in Ecuador telling my story. If I’m honest, I’m not really sure why God put it on my heart to share this story now but I hope that it reaches people who feel unloved or who feel like they are failures. I hope it reaches all my sophomore friends at TCU who may be experiencing similar feelings while they adjust to changing living situations and friendships. I hope it reaches others struggling through o-chem and wondering if there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I let myself be miserable and feel worthless for far too long and my hope is that through sharing my story, that others may also find their identities in the Lord rather than earthly things.
Please let me know if you have any questions! I’d love to talk to you more about my story, but if you need help with o-chem, I’m clearly not the one to ask.
