If anyone has talked to me in the last week or so (somewhat unlikely because I think I have actually been living in my research lab or the chemistry club office and only leaving for the occasional sustenance), you probably said something about the World Race and I probably said how excited I am. And trust me, I am SO. PUMPED. But you know what else?
I’m scared
I’m scared for the first time I get sick and don’t know what to do. I’m scared of getting lost in a foreign country and not being able to speak the language. I’m scared of losing all the friendships that I am going to be leaving behind. I’m scared of feeling forgotten or homesick when I hear about the weddings, the holidays, and birthdays and everything else I’ll miss while I’m gone. I’m scared of getting frustrated with my fellow Racers when we are all tired and missing home and we accidentally say things we don’t mean. I’m scared to take this huge leap of faith and go to corners of the world that I’ve never even dreamed of visiting. I’m scared to relinquish control of every aspect of my life to God and to people that He is using to further His kingdom. Yes I’m excited, but I would be lying to you if I didn’t say that I am also terrified.
As I was thinking about this, I was reminded of a conversation I had back in November (I know that because I literally scrolled back through my text messages for far longer than I’d care to admit to find this conversation cause it was PERFECT.) with one of my friends (spoiler alert- I think my blogs are often going to revolve around experiences with my friends if you couldn’t already tell). We were talking about things that make us uncomfortable and about our fears. Let me just give you a little bit of context here: this friend enjoys jumping out of airplanes meanwhile I am terrified of riding a roller coaster that I am strapped into that is attached to the ground… Anyway, he is someone that I would almost consider to be fearless which is why his next statement surprised me. He said “If I’m not doing something that scares me a little, I’m not learning or growing.” So I’m going to just ignore the “a little” part and just say that that is actually a very true statement. God does not push us out of comfort zones because He wants us to be afraid. God pushes us to our limits and encourages us to face our fears because He is always beside us and wants us to trust Him. He wants to take every opportunity to help us grow in our relationship with Him. The World Race is going to be a huge period of learning and growth for me but I know God will be with me the entire journey.
Another profound statement in this conversation: “Don’t be afraid to be scared.” At first, I did not really think much of this statement but I’ve come to understand the meaning more. I am a person who, when I am nervous about something, tends to default to circular reasoning. I will decide to do something, say I am going to do it, think of the worst case scenario that can happen, l dwell on that, talk about it, and then decide against doing what I just decided to do. I let my fear and anticipation of something I am nervous about overpower me to the point where I cannot convince myself to do it anymore. I didn’t even realize I did this until recently and now it all makes sense. I am afraid to be scared. I want to be composed and have it all together all the time. I want to be in control. I don’t want to have to rely on other people. I don’t want to be a mess or need help. I don’t want to be vulnerable. But, the fact of the matter is- I don’t have it all together (quite the opposite really). As much as I try to do it all myself, I know I simply cannot. I need God and I need people.
So I’m done with being scared to be scared. Heck- I wrote a blog about being scared! I know that for this experience to be as profound and meaningful as I hope it to be, I need to give all my fears, my nervousness, my apprehension, and (though it still pains me to say it) my control over to God. And I need to trust Him to continue to fill my life with incredible people who remind me that it is okay to not have it all together and it is okay to be scared. I need great friends that remind me: “it would be a pretty lame way to live to avoid things because they scare you.” And I have to remind myself that I don’t ever want to miss an opportunity to love others the way that Jesus has loved me because I am too scared. So yes, I am scared but that’s not a bad thing and it is no longer something that I will let hold me back.
Now, I probably won’t be jumping out of an airplane anytime soon but who knows?
P.S. I have been absolutely overwhelmed with the kindness and love I felt from some many people who have donated in the last few days! Thank y’all so much! And thank you to everyone who has said encouraging things, offered prayers, given a thumbs up, or already planned a FaceTime date for next year. Y’all are wonderful!
