Well, I can confidently say that a large part of me walking me into freedom was learning first, a large obstacle that was in my way to begin with. My own blindness.
Whats Dad taught me about my blindness? Well, it jumps back to month one in Romania. There was a day that John Mark, Elise, and I were doing house visits and evangelism to the people of a nearby village in Draganesti. We went to a certain woman’s house, who was essentially bed ridden because of her leg pains. As well she had severe cataracts, which caused her to be almost fully blind. She could still see but only slightly.
The 3 of us, along with our translator sat for a long time w/ her talking about her and her life story. She shared of her growing up, her husband, their marriage, her hardships, and what she went through. After a while and as time was winding down we wanted to prayer for her. As we prayed she seemed to be getting very uncomfortable physically. But us we continued, she kept grabbing at her legs and clearly was in more pain than earlier. This increased the more we prayed. So I grabbed my Bible and we went to war against the enemy by declaring scripture and truth over her. But the intensity of the situation increased.
The heaviness in the room only began to lessen after some time. So we then really began asking the Lord for healing and something huge to happen. But nothing happened. At least I thought. She still couldn’t get out of bed and her eyes were still clouded with cataracts.
As we left I was really angry. Asking, “God why would you not heal her!? I don’t understand your will at all. If you’re actually real and good then why didn’t you do something miraculous!? Why is this woman still blind!?”
AS I isolated myself from the others, I continued to vent my frustration. Then, God said clearly, not audibly, but as clear as day, “Your the blind one.”
It was a punch straight to my gut. I didn’t know what that meant, looked like, or even begin to understand it until about a month and a half later. On our travel days from Ukraine to Chile, we had a long layover in Kiev. As we sat in the airport, we had plenty of time to spend with the Lord. He brought me to John 4 and the passage of the Samaritan Woman at the well. He led me to realize that that was me. I realized that amongst my doubt, fear, pride, shame, and questioning He was literally standing right there next to me at the well. Seeing me, knowing me, accepting my confusion, and recognizing my frustration, even when I feel so alone. He said, “You’ve been standing next to me this whole time and blind to the fact that it was actually me and frankly not willing to see that it is actually me.”
Time passed and then our month in Cusco happened. This was the month that I realized I had so many expectations on God. My expectations blinded me from what He was actually doing. I had in mind the ways that I wanted Him to move, the specific things I wanted Him to do and the particular ways I wanted Him to do them. So when those didn’t happen, I was angry that He wasn’t present, working, or speaking. I was so hyper focused on what I wanted to happen that I was blind to what the Lord actually wanted to happen and what He knew NEEDED to happen. My expectations are blinding. Why should I let my pride get in the way and only “allow” the Lord’s work to look like something so specific and so according to my plan that anything else apart from that is not Him. Putting God in a box like this is actually idolization because its having a fixed image of what we want our God to be, worshiping and expecting that, and not allowing Him to be who He actually is and work the way He actually does.
So through the breaking of chains the Lord has led me from self reliance and prideful, self centered desires and images, to renewed trust and courage to walk in blind faith in love! Praise Jesus for that! We’ll get there though; there’s just more pieces. I know it seems sporadic right now. But hey, it’ll come together…
