These are words that I’ve always looked down upon. These two words are something that I have always been taught not to say. Since I was 6 years old, the words “I can’t” were drilled out of my vocabulary completely. Frankly they are words that I’ve despised because every time I have ever said “I can’t,” reprimand ensued and thoughts of failure followed. The belief that I had failed or fallen short always tagged itself onto the statement “I can not.” Whether that was in reference to performance issues or personal identity, failure, was the result.
So how is that supposed to change? How am I supposed to find joy in saying “I can’t”? Well, I can say right here right now that this idea of failure and not being enough is a current battle that I know is being fought, won, and redeemed by our Savior. For my whole life those two words have been something that have either been said by me when I feel defeated or by others, which led to lies of me believing that I wasn’t good enough and a failure. Now here’s the deal, I have never believed that I am good enough, or worthy of love by others and myself. Straight up, this is how it’s been: me living believing the statement that I have to perform to a certain high measure (set by, you guessed it.. me) in order to be enough or worthy of peoples love and support.
When you are a little kid and you are told everyday that you come up short, or failed, and you’re yelled at or cussed out in the process, these lies begin to take root and without you knowing, dig deep into your heart. Then in return, they are drilled in constantly over and over again for the next 10/11 years of your life. So now, when you are seeking the Lord and freedom, it digs just as deep to tear these things out.
But here is what I am getting to, the words “I can’t” have completely changed meaning and significance to me! Over the last about year and a half, multiple really important people in my life have spoken so much TRUTH into my life. And I’ve been in repair. A lot of times when you are the person in repair, it takes a long time for you to see any progress or healing. All I’ve seen is pain in the moment and its so difficult to experience anything else because I practically become my emotions. But something I have learned is that it is totally possible to be completely vulnerable and real with my emotions and how I’m doing without that being the only thing that I experience and see. The Lord’s grace is so much bigger. Thats something I would love to talk about later because He is in the process of showing me so much about that. But this is one of the most beautiful processes that could ever happen for me. These two incessantly repeated words are now beautiful to me.
So what does “I can’t” really mean to me now? SURRENDER. FREEDOM. PEACE. Being able to say I can’t is possibly the greatest form of surrender ever. I understand that there is absolutely NOTHING I can do to make the Lord love me any more or less. Its not about performance anymore. And well, honestly, it never should be. I am now able to see that in my attempts to perform my way to the top with God, I was telling Him that His grace wasn’t enough to wash me. I CAN’T do anything to affect the vastness of God’s grace. Telling the Lord that I can’t do anything without Him humbles myself as well as allows Him space to work in the ways that He wants too because I’m letting go of the control that Ive been trying to so hard to keep.
As well as letting go of control, recognizing that I physically can’t doing anything without the power of the Holy Spirit is so freeing. I now know that I don’t have to perform I can, simply, be. I can let go of this burden to “be good enough,” because the Lord’s grace is sufficient. I don’t have to “try” anymore! Praise Jesus! Now, here, lets take a pause. Don’t hear that what I am saying is to just stop trying and give up in fighting for our faith and become complacent or apathetic. Thats not what I am saying. What I am saying is that we don’t have to live under the burden of doing and being good enough for the Lord. This is not a burden we were made to carry. The burden of performance is directly a lie from the enemy. We were made to SIMPLY BE with our Heavenly Father/Mother. We can find freedom in not having to work or succeed for the abundant gift of grace!! Its just here for us! Oh boy thats awesome. And we can find peace in just being still and accepting the opportunity for rest in the love and provision that has already been provided. I think so often we get in a place where we think, “The Lord will provide.” But what if we live knowing that the Lord has already provided?! We’ve already been given what we need. Love and Grace. Its that simple. Thats enough. We are enough. I CAN’T do anything to earn it. I am not a failure. I am enough. Now thats a breath of fresh air.
