Hey everyone! Its been a while since I posted anything! But here is a quick story on the huge impact that Training Camp back in July had on my heart! It was really heavy, but the Lord is moving and growing me more and more! SO thankful for the Life that He is continuing to grow up within me! Thank you so much, everyone, for all of the continued financial support and prayers. Love y’all! So anyways, here is what I learned!
God longs for His children to be free and live in His Light and Life, but the process of getting there is not easy or immediate. It may hurt and it takes time. That’s what growth is! It’s not instantaneous. I need to be still and wait upon the Lord. What I’m not saying is to be complacent though!! There is a large line between the two. Unfortunately, I didn’t go into Training Camp with that mind set. I hoped that the freedom that I have been looking for would just all of a sudden overwhelm me and I would be changed, in an instant. And this is also where God has been teaching me a lot of patience…
So about day 4 of training camp, I began to get bombarded by all of these thoughts and lies that I used to struggle with and believe about my life and who I used to be. Thankfully I recognized that these things were not truth and that they were from the enemy; however, they still weighed heavy on my heart. As all this doubt and unbelief began to creep in, I began to feel certain emotions that I hadn’t felt since before I truly found Jesus. Like anger, resentment, anxiety, guilt, shame, and isolation.
Over the next couple days I watched healing, freedom, joy, clarity, and God’s voice reach what seemed like everyone around me. And yet, I was here, internally at war, fighting every single thought and emotion within me, in silence. This broke me down bit by bit and only multiplied my anger. I felt alone. Just as alone as I felt before I knew the love of Jesus. I cried and yelled out to the Lord, “Why have you brought me back to this place of suffering!? I have followed you and obeyed you faithfully, and yet this part of me still exists! Why!?” I thought that these deep scars within me were already completely healed and that I was far past it. But I wasn’t. Deep down there was still pain. But it wasn’t until a crucial moment while having a one on one discussion with my Squad Leader on day 8, that I realized the Lord brought me back to experience that pain in order for me to recognize its depth and the extensiveness of God’s grace and freedom!
I learned that trying to ignore that pain and move on like it never happened is not healing, it’s just suppressing it. Instead, God gave me the opportunity to bring it to light so that He can show me personally just how magnificent He is! His power is greater than any pain that I can ever experience. And I am thankful, because how could I understand the depth of His love and victory or how to share it to others accurately, if I haven’t even experienced it myself! We can’t suppress our wounds, we need to process and surrender them to our Heavenly Father. We are emotional beings and just as we are made joyful, peaceful, and brave, so we also need to allow ourselves to feel grief, sadness, and pain. We have to process them in a healthy way, not hide them. Because otherwise, we are idolizing our emotions over intimacy with the Lord. God is always good and faithful and He reveals His power to us! He loves us so much!
Thats just a bit, but it brings me much joy to share with y’all how the Holy Spirit is moving and what He is teaching me and prompting me with! Here is some Scripture that has been really encouraging and eye opening for me! Hopefully they are for you!
1) Psalm 37:3-9
2) John 15:16-17
3) John 16:22
Thanks for reading y’all!! May the Lord bless you and keep you!
