This morning I felt the Lord nudging me to share this with you guys. It’s a pretty vulnerable topic to post a blog about, but I have seen vulnerability produce spiritual fruit every time I’ve chosen to walk in it. God told me to let you in on what was recently a huge weakness of mine.
DEFENSIVENESS.
I didn’t fully realize that my tendency is to get defensive until month six in Ghana, Africa. This was the second month living and ministering with our new teams, and one of my teammates had a word for me. She had received it from the Lord while praying for each member of our team.
“The Lord is your defender”, she said.
This simple phrase marked the visible beginning of God chiseling off this rough edge within me.
I’ve always known that I love to explain how and why I do things. I love explaining where I am coming from, and have longed to be understood for as long as I can remember.
Isn’t that so many of our greatest desires? To be understood?
Well, as much as I thought that being understood was what I desired most, God has revealed the truth to me little by little.
One of my least favorite feelings in this world is when I feel misunderstood. When I feel like someone is making assumptions of me or can’t see my heart or intentions behind my actions or words.
In the past, when I have felt judged or attacked, my first instinct is to justify and defend myself. I immediately feel misunderstood and often would try to clear things up by explaining myself.
After hearing this phrase from my teammate, I prayed a lot about it. God showed me that I really was only desiring to be understood by the good thoughts and intentions of my heart. I DID NOT want others to understand me by my utterly-broken, sinful thoughts and intentions.
I have used this “desire to be understood” as an excuse to defend. But now that I know that it isn’t even my biggest desire, I have no excuse to explain every little thing away.
The Lord revealed that my true greatest desire is to be fully known and fully loved. Fully known means the good, the bad, the pretty, and the downright disgusting parts of me. Fully loved means accepting me as I am, even after seeing all that.
The Lord God is the only one who can fully know us down the the depths of our soul, and He is the only one with the capacity for so much love.
He loves us right where we are at, but He loves us too much to leave us there. He is ever moving and working in my life and your life. He is knitting our hearts to His, and He’s showing the willing how to look more like his Son Jesus as each day passes.
God loved me even while I was deep in defensiveness, yet He loved me too much to leave me there. The Lord has brought me to a better comprehension of what it means to choose a response of grace, and to rest in the fact that He fulfills my greatest desire.
I don’t want you to hear me say that I have already come out on the other side of this thing. I still have weak moments where I try to defend myself, but God is not done with me yet. I’m still not where I want to be, but praise Jesus I am not where I used to be.
As always, thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts with me!
Over and out,
Julia
