Or am I?
Dating on the race.
A topic that was imbedded in the application process, hit on multiple times at Training Camp, and reviewed once more at Launch.
When I came across the part of the WR application where racers were to agree to abstain from starting any new (or restarting any old) relationships after applying, I remember happily thinking:
I’ll have absolutely no problem with that.
You see, my last and only serious relationship ended two years ago, and since then, the Lord has ever-so-sweetly led me to complete security in my singleness. I had no desire whatsoever to begin any form of a relationship, and was so thankful God was instilling in me both an independence from guys, and sole dependence on Him. So much growth came out of the past two years including, but not limited to, forgiveness and reconciliation with family and friends, and a fresh sense of who I truly am in Christ.
Before I knew it, I was at training camp listening to a very wise spiel from an Adventures staff member on the importance of fleeing temptation in this area. I loved how they used 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 to back them up.
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
I loved hearing this talk and whole-heartedly agreed with all that was shared. If racers can’t wait till after their race ministry to share their true feelings, then is their “love” patient and persevering? If a racer were to seek attention (or give too much attention to a particular person) then is that “love” full of selflessness and honor towards others? Yet if we have TRUE LOVE in our hearts for another, then we will be careful to protect their heart and also their ministry experience.
Even though I fully support this challenge to embrace singleness during this season, something weird was stirring in me during the last half of Training Camp and then again at Launch.
But first a little backstory:
Throughout high school and even college, I have never naturally called the males around my age “men.” To me, they were too immature and lacked life experience to be considered a man. I was usually confused if the people around me referred to them as such. I felt the terms “boys” and “guys” fit the bill much better.
It wasn’t until both of my sisters got married that I started to realize that guys near my age could actually be great spiritual leaders. Shoutout to Kyle and Jake – I look up to you both in so many ways!!
Alright, back to the weird (and at first not wanted) stirring at Training Camp and Launch.
For what felt like the first time, I found myself looking up to guys my age for their wisdom, maturity, and connection with the Father. I found myself attracted to the intense way they loved Jesus, and before I processed the feelings I felt a tinge of guilt over them and a boatload of annoyance.
Why is the Lord allowing me to feel these things? I was so happy having absolutely no desire for a relationship. Lord, I was hoping (and assuming) you would let me have that “immunity from guys’ charm” at least until the race was over!
These two weeks in El Salvador I have had a lot of time to process these new feelings. I now know that the Lord is doing a mighty work in this area, yet never would I have ever thought that I would be pondering with God on this particular topic! Indeed, He loves to humble us and remind us that we are never “above” struggling with a particular thing.
After processing, I have realized that simple attraction is not a problem, lust is. Being attracted to someone’s intense love for God whether in America or in El Salvador should not make me feel guilty. That characteristic is a gift from the Lord and should be appreciated for all that it is. Since I am not used to being around so many men of God, it is kinda weird for me, but its also super exciting. The Lord is showing me so plainly that both men and woman can be on fire for God, giving every aspect of their life to Him.
So even though I was annoyed with the feelings at first, I am now thankful for them. God has revealed to me what beauty lay in the hearts of those who love Him. Although I am still 100% confident that I will never even think about acting on any of these emotions while ministering on the race, I am happy to know that I am not “immune” to the charms of a true man of God.
I am feeling encouraged by what I have seen and learned, and I love surrendering up all of my relationships to the Lord to flourish only in His perfect timing.
Over and out,
Julia
