Hey gang! I’ve left a few things unresolved from my past blogs and I wanted to share with you how the Lord has been working in my life in the things I shared about a while ago but never followed up on.
In Lesotho (two months ago), I wrote a blog about shame and its vice grip on my life. The first few weeks in Lesotho were dark and heavy with shame and spiritual warfare. I wrote The Shame Spiral, Pt. 1 and afterward received so many kind comments and messages and words of encouragement. If you were one of the people who reached out to me or prayed for me during that time, thank you. It means more to me than you will ever know. It wasn’t until I broke down crying in front of my team, completely vulnerable with them about what I was experiencing and humbled by needing their help, that I began to find freedom. They prayed for me, sat down with me over a list of lies 25 long that I was believing, spoke truth over me, and came around me in love. At the end of the month, when we went to debrief, I had had a week of peace, but was still struggling with feeling broken. At debrief I reached a breaking point and finally said, “Okay, God! I give up!” and started pressing in to raw, exposing vulnerability and humility with my new team.
As a team in Swaziland last month, we pressed into intimacy, authenticity, confidence, and overcoming. We had the really beautiful opportunity to have a month of rest, something that irked me and left me bitter at the time; I struggled a lot with bitterness in Swaziland. But God was being so gentle and kind to me, leading me into growth in ways I didn’t even see at the time while giving me a month of rest that I didn’t know I needed. We as a team found that we had a lot more in common than we thought, and saw God giving us opportunities to come alongside each other in the midst of current struggles we all shared.
In the second week, I received feedback from my team leader, Tessa, encouraging me to not define myself by my past self – not Kindergarten Jess, not high school Jess, not last year Jess, and not even yesterday Jess. That idea was revolutionary to me! Philippians 3:12-14 says, “I don’t mean to say that… I have achieved perfection. But I press on to possess the perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me. No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us” (italics added). From this encouraging feedback, I started to find real, true, genuine, Christ-given freedom from shame, because I stopped defining myself by my past mistakes or even my current mistakes. HALLELUJAH!!!!
Last month in Swaziland I also wrote a blog about Weight Loss Growth + Gaining Weight, in which I shared that the growth I had been experiencing since arriving in Africa is like losing weight – it takes time to notice that it’s happened and it’s the small, intentional decisions that make a difference. God was calling me into a season of loving myself right now the way I am both spiritually and physically – a cool journey that I am still on.
It’s still a struggle to love my body when I see that I have gained weight and I’m uncomfortable in my clothes because of the way they look on me, but loving who I am as a person has been incredible and punching shame in the face as soon as it appears has gone so well WOOHOO!! I’m still trying to figure out what small, intentional decisions for my physical health look like (and need to start taking that to God instead of ignoring it), and this month I have been pressing into listening prayer and an intimate, personal relationship with the person of Jesus for my spiritual health.
This month we have been working at a camp, and y’all know I LOVE camp. If you read my last blog, Lessons in Leadership, you know that our host, Matthys, taught the learners that good leaders empower their followers and create and mobilize more leaders. That’s exactly what he did with us. On our first camp, Matthys threw us in the deep end with no warning; we facilitated beach games and a session the first day with no direction except, “You’re running beach games.” and “You know the nail stacking game, right?” That very first night of camp I ran a game and taught a session about effective communication to a group of high schoolers with about 20 minutes to prepare. I didn’t think I knew what I was doing, but Matthys trusted me and empowered me, and now I know I can!
Last week during camp I worked in the kitchen, assisting the cook, Elizca. I really really loved my time with her and we became friends through conversation over the island and consuming baked goods together. I also got close to another staff worker, Tarina, because she would regularly pop in and chat with us. My time with both of them reminded me how God created me to be so relational. I really treasure both of my friendships with them and am so thankful for the ways God spoke to me through them, and I’m honored by the ways He spoke to them through me. YAY FRIENDSHIP!
This week, another staff member, Hannah, appointed Mary Beth and me to be camp leaders, meaning we were the face of camp this week. We made the schedule, facilitated games, ran sessions, taught the lessons, did crowd control, and stayed with the girls overnight in their houses. I honestly came into this week feeling sad and broken, not sure how I would be able to feign the energy and enthusiasm I would need as camp leader after a weekend that left me feeling sad, lonely, and empty. I told my team before we started that I was excited because God would get all the glory for my leadership at camp because I was definitely not ready or able to pour out because of how I was feeling.
But working as a camp leader has put me in my element. Satan was definitely attacking me over the weekend because once the kids arrived, I began to lead this camp full of the Holy Spirit, leading in new, humble, gentle, kind, and wise ways that I certainly don’t feel like I had when I worked at camps during college. All the glory goes to God!! Not to mention, we were told at the beginning of the month that the group of grade sevens this week would be our hardest group of the month, but they have been absolutely wonderful – even more well-behaved than the high school students we had at the beginning of the month! A gift from God, for sure.
Remember how I said last month was a month of rest? I understand now why it was needed! During camp, we are “on” at least 12 hours of the day, waking up with the kids around 6am, running a full day of activities with a break for team time, and staying up with them until every single one is asleep, which can be very late. We do this for 2-4 days in a row, depending on the group. We are walking daily in the endurance of the Holy Spirit! And we are learning how to ask for rest when we need it and be selfish with our time with God.
And that’s where I’m at now! I am punching shame in the face day by day and as attacks come, resting in the grace of God, and allowing His Holy Spirit to empower me in leadership in ways I couldn’t have done myself. Praise His Name! He’s good!
xoxo
Jess
