Since we traveled from Panama to Lesotho I’ve been feeling a lot of spiritual heaviness and oppression. It started with feeling little pangs of guilt for little things like checking my phone while spending time with my parents, who jumped through so many hoops to fly to Ft. Lauderdale to surprise me in the airport for our 2-hour layover (for which – WOW – I’m thankful). Then those little moments of guilt got stronger and stronger. Do you ever remember a time in your life when you did something bad or embarrassing and you get hit with that guilt and embarrassment all over again, like you’ve been stabbed with a knife and it makes your squirm? That’s how it started for me, little moments of guilt. Quickly though, those moments of guilt turned into moments of shame.
Guilt is “I did something bad.” Shame is “I am something bad.”
All those guilty memories got heavier and heavier until I started to believe that I wasn’t a good person because of those things. I felt face-to-face with my sinfulness and I was overwhelmed. I felt inadequate and unworthy. I felt heavy with negative feelings. In desperation to free myself from the shame and negativity, I fled to comparison and pride, bolstering my ego with delusions of superiority.
I knew in my mind that I am free from sin because of Jesus. I knew that His victory over sin and evil is mine. I knew that I could choose to walk in freedom. I knew that I am no longer on trial; God’s opinion is that I am innocent and He approves of me. I knew that I could claim victory over old patterns of pride, envy, comparison, and superiority. I knew that could say “I am enough just as I am.” I knew I could reject the old patterns and accept the Truth God declares over me.
But I was already so worn out physically from travel day and spiritually and emotionally from our time in Panama. Claiming freedom and declaring Truth and walking in victory seemed too hard. I couldn’t do it, though I tried.
When we hit Lesotho the battle got even harder. There is a heavy spirit of oppression in Africa as a whole, and we could tangibly feel it as we arrived in Johannesburg and it got stronger and stronger as we entered into Lesotho and settled in our house for the month. Some of my teammates were able to tangibly feel and see the evil spirits in our house, and we joined together to pray against the spiritual oppression on our house so that it could be a refuge and safehouse for us.
But even still, I felt heaviness. I described it as an overwhelming sense of hopelessness. I felt hopeless that our team could have a good month because we’ve struggled so much in the past, and I felt like everyone had high expectations of perfection for each other – for me. I felt like I needed to be perfect and meet everyone’s expectations in order for my friends to have a good month, and I knew I would fail, and therefore ruin things for them. I felt hopeless that I could ever be a better person (which quickly devolved into “could ever be a good person,” period) because I keep messing things up and running back to old patterns and hurting people.
A switch flipped, and the guilt of doing bad things turned into shame for being a bad thing. I felt heavy under the weight of my imperfections and that weight made me feel hopeless.
We did an activity last week where we had to write a list of things that are true about ourselves. I sat down to write it and wept in grief the whole time. Everything I wrote felt like a lie because I have so much evidence to the contrary, even though I know it’s “true” because it’s what God says and He cannot lie.
I am wanted. I am free. I have worth. I am fun. I love others well. I contribute meaningfully. I am a good friend. I have victory over sin and old patterns in Christ.
They all felt like lies. None of them felt true.
One felt true, but I didn’t like it: My sinful nature is to be selfish, self-preserving, fearful, comparing, envious, prideful, superior, defensive, controlling, and corrective.
I walked away from that exercise feeling even more hopeless than I did before. Thankfully, the second part of the exercise was to ask our teammates how they see our heart, and I received a lot of words of affirmation and a lot of truth poured over me and spoken into me.
A few days later, I casually told a story over dinner about something I did in elementary school, and I admitted out loud that I wasn’t a good kid – something I have been processing a lot on the Race. I wasn’t a good kid, I just pretended to be to the right people. Really, I was selfish and power-hungry, willing to step on anyone to prove my worth, even as young as eight or nine years old, maybe even younger. I didn’t keep friends for very long because I was a bad friend, full of pride and superiority.
I feel a lot of shame for who I have been. For who I was as a little kid. For who I was in middle school. For who I was last year. TL asked me over dinner that night if I could love and forgive myself – not just now, but then. Can I love the little girl I was, even if she was a bad kid and a bad friend who crawled over others to be superior? Can I love the young college woman full of pride, poisoning relationships? Honestly, I don’t know if I can.
What’s really hard and incredibly painful is that I still feel like I am that bad kid. I still feel like I am that bad friend. I still feel like I am that prideful young woman. I feel shame for who I am now because she isn’t perfect. I’m not perfect. And that brings me a lot of shame, because if I feel like I’m not perfect, then I am bad.
“You are a bad person who sometimes does good things,” shame declares over me. “You are never going to get things right. You are hopeless. You are defeated. You will always be controlled by your sin and your pride.”
This is where I’ve been sitting and what I’ve been feeling while we’ve been in Lesotho. And I feel a lot of shame for struggling with shame! Shouldn’t I be free from this by now?? Shouldn’t I know Truth by now?? Shouldn’t I have everything figured out by now??
I shared all this with my team and Ally asked me, “What voice are you listening to? None of the things you are sharing are from God. God’s voice will never condemn you. There is no condemnation in Christ.” Melissa told me that I was only looking at the bad parts of myself and turning a blind eye to the good; she affirmed me that there is so much good in me.
This has been a heavy blog. I wish I had a happy-go-lucky bow to tie around it to bring hope and light. But I am still wrestling with shame and still feel enslaved to my sinful nature and struggle to believe that I am a good person. I am fighting in my quiet times to hear and believe Truth, but it feels like a bloody battle and I’m fighting wounded. I’m still struggling.
There is a Truth that defeats these lies, as hard as it is for me to believe it right now. I know that freedom will come. It will come as I choose to claim and believe the truth. It will come as I renew my mind and listen to what God says about me before what the world or Satan says about me or how I feel about myself. Freedom will come. It is guaranteed. It was paid for on the cross. Hallelujah!
I titled this blog “pt 1” because I want to be able to share another blog (hopefully soon) about the freedom I have found from shame and how the Lord got me there. You can hold me to that.
To close this blog, here’s my journal entry from this morning’s quiet time:
Poppa, I’m experiencing a lot of shame. It started with pangs of guilt when recollecting memories. Now it’s shame for who I was then and who I am now. I’m ashamed of not being perfect. I’m believing that I am a bad person, that I’m awful. Poppa, what do You say about me? You say You love me, care for me, forgive me. You take me into Your arms and protect me from the flaming arrows of the devil – the lies and the shame. You tell me You are fully pleased with me. You tell me You chose me for a reason. Not because I’m awful but because You gave me good gifts You want to use in Your Kingdom and because You love me. You love me just the way I am but You love me too much to leave me the way I am. If I am corrected by You, it is because You love me.
Poppa, I’m sorry for not trusting You. I’m sorry for trying to do life on my own strength. I’m sorry for believing lies and assuming Your thoughts towards me are negative. Papi, on my own I am defeated. But in Christ – and I am in Christ – I am victorious. Papi, thank You for never giving up on me. No matter how many times I throw myself in the pit or the mud, You follow close behind to rescue me. You are unashamed to be seen with me! You are proud to be seen with me! Even in my lies. Even in my pride. Even in my selfishness. Your love for me is unrestrained. Your love is lavished upon me. It can’t be taken back – You never take it back! You love me with a selfless love – WOW!
Poppa, I’m sorry for my wandering, fickle heart. I’m sorry for my selfish, self-protective, self-centered heart.
TETELESTAI. It is finished. I am washed clean. I am forgiven. There is no sin in me. I am not associated with sin or imperfection.
Poppa, strip me bare! I’ve put on so many layers of lies and masks to protect myself. Strip me bare! Whatever it takes! Bring me back again and again to Your Truth: “These layers aren’t you. These masks aren’t you. I’m chipping away at everything that isn’t you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you even in your masks and layers. You are worthy of love at every step along the way. I’m never giving up on you. I am so proud of you. I love you.”
You are chipping away at everything that isn’t Jess.
I am not shame. I am not regret. I am not guilt. I am not dirty. I am not bad. I am not lies. I am not in darkness.
I am free. I am satisfied. I am innocent. I am washed clean. I am good. I am truth. I am light.
I AM FREE FOREVER FROM CONDEMNATION!!
THANK YOU, JESUS!!
