The past few days have been a mess. They’ve been full of attacks from the Enemy and lies that I’ve so easily believed. I’ve felt shamed, defeated, and rejected. I’ve cried a lot and I’ve hidden a lot. But I’m bringing this darkness into the light, but not on my own strength or for my own glory, which I hope you will see.
On Saturday, I printed, stuffed, and addressed over 150 support letters for my Race, explaining the ministry I’ve been called into and asking for prayer and financial support. I prayed prayers of protection over those letters more times than I can count.
However, on Sunday (my first day of formally asking people in my life for prayer and financial support), the attacks from the Enemy began immediately. It began with the lie I talked about in my last blog: God only wants me if I’m perfect. In my haste to get letters done before Sunday morning, I neglected the Sabbath (which I usually observe Saturdays). Because of this, that lie in my head told me, “You’ve really messed everything up now. You thought you could do this fundraising thing on your own strength, so you disobeyed the Sabbath to get it done. Now God will refuse to bless your fundraising through support letters, so you’re defeated before you even try. You might as well just give up.” With that message heavy in my heart, I set off for church.
After a worship service that so beautifully reminded me of God’s endless love for me, Satan struck my fragile heart again through unintentionally shaming words from a well-meaning friend. The fear I had in my heart that I had already failed God before I could even start was magnified by the shame I felt in needing to ask for help, especially help in the form of money. My “money letters” felt like an anvil of shame around my neck, devaluing the holy process of asking for prayer and support from people who have loved me and poured into me my whole life. I wanted to hide my letters and hide my need for help and hide my inability to provide for myself.
You see, when I joined the World Race and people began to ask me about the financial need of the trip, I had no hesitation in declaring that God would be faithful to provide for me, because He has been faithful to provide for so many other missionaries through AIM (Adventures in Missions) and all over the world. But when I started the actual process of asking for money, my faith crumbled. I got scared. I was humbled in ways I didn’t expect, and realized just how much I need to rely on others in this time. I can’t do this on my own. I need help. And I don’t like that.
That morning and into the afternoon, the attacks did not let up and the lies did not lose their traction, and I began to wallow in defeat. I was so afraid. My fear had nothing to do with not raising all the money or being sent home early… my fear was deeply rooted in the lie that “God does not want me if I’m not perfect, and if I can’t raise all of my funds for my Race, then God will reject me. And since I had sinned by not obeying Sabbath, God would turn His back on me and my fundraising process.” More and more lies piling on to one another and building up so high, hope and truth felt too far away to reach.
This morning, in my time of prayer and Scripture reading and journaling before work, I read Romans 12:1, “And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you,” and I had to stop there; I couldn’t even go on, because I realized I have such a consumeristic view of God. Like the rich young ruler Jesus encounters in Mark 10, I do not regard Jesus as Lord of my life; I regard Him as just my Savior, who gives me access to perks like blessings in this life and eternal life in the next. I have not given full authority of my life over to Jesus, because my instinct of self-preservation is so strong and denying myself in order to follow Him isn’t something I am committed to. And when it comes to a relationship with God, I obey Him so He will bless me, but if I don’t do what He wants, He doesn’t regard me and I’m on my own. I am resistant to true freedom in Christ and transformation because of this, and I am so afraid of getting in my own way ( and God’s way) as I seek freedom and transformation.
I mulled all day on this newfound imperfection and how it undermines everything I thought my faith was built up to be (and it felt reminiscent of the storm that came and destroyed the house whose foundation was on sand, not rock).
Tonight. However, tonight God proved that He is stronger than my fears and that His Word reigns over me. While getting ready for bed and asking God, “okay what now?,” He reminded me of a passage I had read last week in 2 Corinthians 12, starting in verse 7. It begins, “So to keep me from becoming proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud.” (Read 2 Corinthians 12:1-10 for the full context.) And God told me this:
“My daughter, I have sent a messenger to reveal to you that you do not regard me as Lord, but that does not mean that I reject you. I send you this message as a jealous and fervent plea for you to draw near to me. Let me be in control and rid you of your fears and anxieties. You ask me to remove this messenger because your goal is comfort. My goal is your transformation and renewal. I long for you to deny your strength and boast in your weaknesses so that my power and strength can be at work through you. Stop trying to earn my power, grace, and favor. You cannot earn it, for it has already been given to you through Christ. And you cannot lose it, for it has been sealed in His blood and cannot be taken away. Boast in your weaknesses! For though you are weak, I am strong, and in your weakness, my glory will be magnified! Watch what I will do. I am steadfast and faithful.”
And so, I boast in my weaknesses. I have many reasons and excuses not to, but this is why I know I should: it brings me no glory, so it must be from the Spirit.
I will boast that I cannot come up with $18,017 in 9 months on my own.
I will boast that I am afraid of asking for help and am ashamed to ask for money.
I will boast that I have not given prayer its rightful place as the most important support I can receive.
I will boast that I am not perfect and need a lot of guidance and prayer.
I will boast that I need prayer (this bears repeating).
I will boast that there is nothing good in me, and I am nothing without Jesus.
I will boast in the cross of Jesus Christ, His death, and resurrection – my only source of life.
If my World Race becomes fully funded, it will not be my power or strength or ability or works. No no no no no no no no please don’t ever think that, no. That would be a grace gift from the Most High God, and His glory alone should be magnified in that.
My friends, I thank God for His faithfulness to me, to us, in our weakness. I thank Him for His grace, which is sufficient for us in those places. I am so thankful that this journey of transformation is life-long and never-ceasing. I am working towards an attitude of feeling the bumpy parts of the road and not trying to take the wheel from God, but throwing my hands up, letting out a jubilant shout, and finding joy in the ride God is controlling.
To Him be the glory forever and ever. Amen.
