Written in the Philippines:
My first month of the race was tough I had to give my sister and her new baby to God and even though I really didn’t have a choice because I was so far away. My heart refused at first. It was a battle that I had to choose to change. He softened my heart and showed me His mercy and His unfailing love as my sister delivered a healthy baby and she also was safe.
Now I am in the Philippines and the Lord is showing me he wants more of my time and that I can’t pursue Him with my whole heart if I am holding on to my family and friends back home. We have an all squad month (meaning instead of my Abba’s Lil Nugs team of 5, we are living all together with our 35-person squad). That is intimidating to me. I feel awkward in large groups, I don’t know what to say, small talk isn’t easy for me, I feel lost in the background. But God is speaking truths over me this month, He’s showing me I am worthy of saying things or being heard, or interesting enough to be in a large group. And He is pursuing depths of my heart I have never known how to let Him have. I feel joy and I feel comfort in that. There is a lot of effort and intentionality in pursuing this relationship but I know it will be worth it.
There are hard days when all I want to do is call home. But not calling home has started me on a path of learning how to engage in community in a healthy way. To let them in and support me but not fix me. I am able to be in the here and now in the Philippines, growing with Him.
Almost immediately when I got to our ministry in the Philippines I started having this overwhelming fear. Terrifying fear where my heart was pounding and honestly, I just wanted to escape. I felt like I would be put on the spot and my mind would blank and I would look ridiculous.
For some reason, I wasn’t connecting with the ministry. I was frustrated and confused because this ministry’s focus is kids and that is my passion. That is something that is so easy for me to get into and passionate about. I was asking God why, why is this so hard for me.
This is usually my thing so…what is going on, where is the fear coming from, why aren’t you answering me, why do I feel so alone here when there are 35 people surrounding me?
Why can’t I go to the pregnancy clinic and only be jealous I am not at home playing with my sister’s baby or get to be there when my bestie, since I was in elementary, is having her second baby. What about just a big hug from my mom or the ability to just ask how she is doing? I found myself aching for home. Aching to just go grab a bite to eat with my dad and step-mom. Or hear my nephews and nieces just say Jenny and give me a big hug. Or have a deep conversation with my sis. I am dreaming about snow cone dates with the Days. I could really go for a Minnesota trip to see my cousin’s right about now.
I miss the automatic reliance I had on people at home when I started to feel at the end of my rope, when I was hurting and I didn’t know what else to do. How my family and my friends would always be there to help. But then God would gently nudge me with the reminder of the obedience I would be breaking with God if I gave up the first time it got rough and ran to the people I know could fix it immediately. What I would be really missing out on if I just found people to take care of me and didn’t learn how to let God take care of me. I was feeling pretty alone and even though I reached out to people here I still felt empty and lost and alone. Learning to hear from God and count on Him more than anything doesn’t always happen right away and on your terms. Time wont heal it either. What will is intentionally leaning into God again and again rewriting the wrong habits you have used to cope all your life. It is a process.
But my God is faithful and He is there even when I feel alone. I’m on the brink of something so good. Something worth it. I know the beauty of it even though I can’t always feel it. Every time I put more faith in Him, He never fails me. He got me past the odds stacked against me on the training camp hike. He took care of my sister and her little Penelope. He shows up when I trust Him. I know He is going to get me past all of this.
This is where I am growing and where God has been gently pushing me to expand my faith even before I left for the Race. As I have been writing these blogs for yall God has been processing with me and it has been a much-needed growth of intimacy with the Father.
I love and miss you all!! Thanks for following along with this four-part series.
UPDATE: Now in real time incase yall haven’t heard- I am in Thailand and it is amazing! We are safe. The hosts here are amazing and I can outright see God’s hand in placing Abba’s Lil Nugs here in Thailand with these hosts. I cannot wait to tell yall more. Our team is so incredibly pumped for the ways we will get to serve. The food has been DELICIOUS. YAY YAY YAY!!!
Next up is a Philippines overview blog and then stories about Thailand will unravel! Get pumped!!
TTFN,
Jenny
