You see, there’s this view…
It was unlike anything I had ever seen before. I’m not gunna say the cliche “it took my breath away” cause it did more than that. I thought I had seen the best views in the world. I’ve been to 27 countries, climbed dozens of mountains, always found a way to get up high in any new place so I could get a view.
But this view… man…
It was my first day in my new home. I had just packed my bags last minute and moved to Mijas, Spain on a whim following a call from a Voice that I had learned to love and follow so intimately in the last year. He told me to go, I didn’t want to go, but I love Him, so I went.
I brought a LOT of baggage. Both literally and figuratively. And I could feel it. As I unpacked my new, bright, blue, roller suitcases into my little room, I could feel the Lord start to unpack all of my emotions, my scars, my walls, my wounds, my pain, and my shame.
“I didn’t know I had all this.” My roommate probably thought I was referring to the mound of clothes she watched me unpack, but I wasn’t.
It’s heavy.
It’s feelings of unworthiness, inadequacy, and insecurity. I’m not a fan of myself, I don’t think God is a fan of myself, and I don’t want to be here.
“God, why am I here?”
NOTHING. I can’t hear him. There’s too much shame.
“God, what do I have to DO to hear you again?”
Normally when I want to get to a view in a new city or country, I have to hike a few hours, walk a few miles around the city, hall my butt up dozens of flights of stairs, or pay a boat load of foreign currency to take transportation to the very top of whatever mountain or skyscraper there is. I have to work for it.
But this view… It was His answer.
I didn’t have to do anything. No hiking, no spending, no sweating, nothing. It’s just THERE for me. Every single day. A few steps up from where I will rest my head and call home.
I took the small stairs up, around the corner, and I didn’t understand why I would get such a view right at my fingertips. It is the MOST beautiful view I have EVER seen. The rolling green hills, the light fighting it’s way through the clouds, the reflection of the beautiful white architecture and churches, and the SEA, the Mediterranean Sea, right there for my blue eyes to drink in.
I don’t understand what I did to deserve this.
I don’t understand why dozens of people would again give their finances to me.
I don’t understand why I would get to live in such a beautiful place.
I don’t understand why I am given the BEST people to live with in a house.
I don’t understand why there is a group of couples and individuals who are dedicated to walk me through this season.
I DON’T GET IT.
And this view, these people, these classes already are giving me the answer from God I’ve been striving for.
“Because I love you.”
I look at this view with tears dropping behind my bright blue eyes that He created, that He LOVES. He loves those blue eyes of mine. His love, ever so slowly is taking over, seeping its way into the walls that I’ve built up and the wounds that I’ve let rule my life.
He is showing me His love every moment.
I was mourning not being near my brothers again and He gives me three HILARIOUS men to live with and do life with. He blesses me with the sweetest roommate, with guitars in the house to play, with people in my classes that have similar stories and passions, with a senior class to love and encourage me, and with half a dozen people coming up to me and saying “I see you.” I’ve never been hugged more in my life! Even just now as I was writing, my new brothers in Christ expressed their dedication to create food without my allergies and then with a cherry on top, said they are making tacos for dinner tonight that sent tears to my eyes.
I’m going to be alright. He loves me.
It’s a journey, though. I’m aware of my walls I still have up, the pain that I carry, and the ache in my soul. I sit in the back of the class with my arms folded and the staff and teachers can see the battles I’m fighting, but they are fighting alongside me as well.
I’m choosing in though. I’m completely open with my whole class- told my testimony in front of 30 strangers today and was brutally honest about where I’m at. I’ve deleted social media for the time being to stay present, I’ve sought out counsel and discipleship, and I’m doing my best to rest in His arms and have an open heart to what God has for me here.
Pray for walls to come down, breakthrough to happen, control to be released, and truth to be heard.
More to come,
All my love,
Jamilyn Joy
