Yup. I got inked, Mom. Sorry.
And I know it’s not in a place that you would like me to have a tattoo because its “visible on my wedding day” or something like that. But I always say that if you are not willing for a tattoo to be seen on your wedding day, then you shouldn’t get it at all. It should be something you are proud of and will gladly show, even on the most important days.
I will proudly show this tattoo on that day. Well, because it means the most.
But there’s a story to this work of art that now resides on my back. It’s not a clique, it’s not just a pretty, feminine, colorful insect that I got just cause it looks cool. No, every single one of my tattoos has a story, a meaning, and a way to tell anyone who asks about my Jesus.
This story starts 7 years ago when I was 17. I was just about to graduate high school and completely smitten and taken by a boy. I was pretty positive not only from myself but from others and the boy himself, that he liked me back and was planning on asking me out. I heard it from many sources and I could tell that when we interacted that we had a mutual “thing” going on as a millennial would say. However, when it came time to ask me out and pursue this “thing,” he asked out another girl.
As any 17 year old would be, I was heart broken and confused. I spent that summer with my heart in a little bit of turmoil. I went on a house boating trip and one afternoon I was lying in a hammock during Bible study with a group of girls- I was distracted, distraught, not paying attention, and trying not to focus on my broken heart when suddenly a beautiful butterfly came and flew right across my face. This butterfly was ENORMOUS compared to any normal size. I could feel WIND that came from the flap of it’s wings! I sat up in awe and wonder as it flew around the group and flew away. As I exclaimed with excitement about the creature, everyone in my Bible study looked at me absolutely confused, stating that they didn’t see any butterfly. Y’all, this thing was HUGE and impossible to miss and flew right in front of THEIR faces.
I sat back amazed and suddenly knew that was God, an angel, the Holy Spirit, SOMETHING manifested in a butterfly- I DON’T KNOW. But I was the only one to see it and it brought me hope and joy and comfort and I could feel His love. The next day butterflies were everywhere and suddenly my little heartbreak with a boy was nothing to the love I felt of God. That night God stirred in the heart of the girl that was asked out by this boy to pray for me, and when she put her hand on my knee to pray, I saw someone had drawn a butterfly on her hand and I felt the overwhelming LOVE of my Jesus. To a 17 year old, a boy breaking your heart is the end of the world, but I felt Jesus say “I have something much greater for you, child. I love you.”
Every day that summer I saw a butterfly. In the parking lot, my walk to work, my own backyard, everywhere was the reminder of God’s love. Then I started to notice that God was using these butterflies to speak to me. I remember one evening in the Fall, sitting on my porch and completely burnt out emotionally, spiritually, and physically and a butterfly flew by and somehow God filled up my cup to keep going. When I went to community college, a butterfly would fly close or around someone sitting by themselves and I knew God was compelling me to talk to that person. Even one time when I was lost on a hike I asked God where I was supposed to go and followed a butterfly back to my car. I know, sounds crazy, but it’s true. God was constantly working through these beautiful creatures. Now every time I see a butterfly I see God. Whether it’s a reminder of His love, a reminder that He is there, or a prompting to a specific action.
Now for YEARS this is what butterflies have meant to me, but that suddenly changed when I came on the World Race. I shared with a lot of my teammates and squad mates that I see God in butterflies and that He uses them to communicate with me. Every time we were out and saw butterflies, my teammates would point them out to me and we would all be comforted by their presence and smile. I wrote a blog in Haiti about God using butterflies to teach me a lesson. You can read it here: https://jamilyncumming.theworldrace.org/post/carl-jr-in-haiti
We had our first debrief in the Dominican Republic where the whole squad gets together and reflects on the past month. The first month I struggled and wrestled with God about where I was spiritually with Him. I was walking in shame from my past sins and did not feel His love for me at the time, I was frustrated that I wasn’t where I wanted to be, and I was angry that He was giving spiritual gifts to everyone else but me. I was STRIVING to be a better Christian, World Racer, and I had stepped into a works based faith mentality. One evening, everything changed.
I sat in confusion, anguish and denial of God’s love for me. He brought my friend Megan to say “God wants me to tell you that He is simply proud of you” and I did not believe it. I was angry and frustrated that I felt lacking in the Holy Spirit and His gifts. My squad mentor spoke that evening about spiritual gifts and I laughed and rolled my eyes, expectant that I would just sit in comparison and anger at God. The message was for me, straight from God. I put my head in my hands and wept for Jesus to come quickly to my side and speak to me. I turned to my squad coach and explained my lack of clarity and the shame and doubt I was walking in and he spoke straight from the Holy Spirit. He grabbed me by the shoulders, looked deep into my eyes and it was as if Jesus was standing right next to him whispering exactly what I needed to hear from God.
Now me and God have this butterfly thing, but we also have this field that we go to and meet at. When I close my eyes to talk and pray with Him, it’s me and Jesus in a field. I had been striving to earn His love, working to be better, walking in shame, and so much more that I had not “visited” Him in this field in a while. My squad coach looks me in the eye and says (from the perspective of Jesus) “Meet me in the field, my daughter, come back to Me.” And I almost collapsed in tears.
He prayed for me, I sat back in my chair, and I went to the field. It was just me and Jesus and He just expressed how much He loves me, how proud He is of me, and how I don’t need to DO anything, He just wants to hang out with me! So we hung out! We danced, we talked, He gave me a piggy back ride and it was simple; just Father and daughter, just BEING.
Then my teammate Meredith came to sit next to me and pray for me. I never told her about the field and she was speaking it over me, I never told her how I was feeling, yet the Holy Spirit was working through her to comfort me with the perfect words. She was rubbing my back, and she slowly and gently started tracing an infinity sign on my back.
I chuckled to myself and said “Ha, it’s kind of like butterfly wings.” And I could hear Jesus grinning from ear to ear.
I shoot up and SCREAM. I startled Meredith and start freaking out. “OH MY GOSH. Butterfly wings!! Holy crap! What!! You just… God just… He said… my back… AHHHH!!!”
“J.J. WHAT are you saying?! What is going on?!”
“I’M THE BUTTERFLY!! I’m the butterfly!! OH my gosh I never realized it before. Mere, I AM THE BUTTERFLY.”
YOU GUYS! For YEARS when I have looked at butterflies I saw God, I heard God, and it was God working through the butterfly. When I saw it, I saw the Holy Spirit flying around the world and bringing truth, love, hope, and joy. Y’ALL. That is ME! THAT is how He sees me. I am the one that brings truth, I am the one who flies around the world so that people can see God, the one that God sends so that others can hear His voice, the one that brings love and hope and joy to the world, and the one that brings the Holy Spirit because the Holy Spirit lives in ME! That’s me.
He said “Yes, my darling. My beloved daughter. My beautiful butterfly.”
Now I walk with my head held high, beaming with adoration for my Jesus for He delights in me. Ever since that moment, I knew I wanted to get it as tattoo. I have wanted a butterfly tattoo since I was 17, but have always held back because they carry a stereotype of a cliche and a tramp stamp. I didn’t want people seeing it and assuming I was a part of that stereotype. Now? My goodness I could not care less! This butterfly is a reminder of God’s love for me, our intimate relationship as Father and daughter, the freedom I walk in through Christ, the confidence I have as a child of God, and the calling God has given me to go into the world and bring Holy Spirit and Kingdom.
I knew I wanted this tattoo to be on my back, right where Mere was tracing as a reminder that I have those wings- He puts those wings on me. But I was lost as to what color to get.
When we were in India, we went village hopping, preaching at different churches and putting on services. Right before one of our first ones I was hanging out with a group of little girls who didn’t know much English but I could ask them simple questions. “What’s your name? Where do you live? What is your favorite food, song, or thing to do?” I asked them what their favorite color is and they all went around in a circle and then asked the question back to me.
“What is YOUR favorite color?”
“Blue!” I exclaim. And they laugh. “Why are you laughing?!” I ask and they then proceed to point out all the blue I was wearing. A blue headband, blue scarf, blue pants, blue kurta, blue nail polish, and even my blue eyes. I join them in laughing and I hear laughter from the Lord too.
“My beautiful blue butterfly.” And my cheeks hurt from smiling at the end of that day.
For the past few months God continues to give me visions of butterflies. When I prayed for a teammate and their struggles, He gave me a vision of that person being attacked by dark spirits and Him sending a blue butterfly around the person to cast them away. He gave me a vision of a city I feel He is calling me to live in when I return home to the States and Him blowing handfuls of blue butterflies all around the city, bringing light to it’s dark corners.
I bear this tattoo proudly, thrilled of the dozens of times I get to tell this story in the future. Thanks for reading this story, God’s story, about His role for me in this world.
I hope that whenever you see a butterfly, you are reminded that God calls YOU His child, and He sends YOU to the world to be His hands and feet.
Praying for all of you readers today. Thanks for following my journey.
All my love,
JJ
