Every day I ask myself this question. Maybe even every hour.
Can I really do this?
Can I leave everything I’ve known for an entire year, live out of a backpack and a tent, serve in ministry every week, challenge myself, step out of my comfort zone, and be spiritually, physically, and emotionally stretched for 11 months straight?
Many things come up in the day that make me believe I can’t. That word should probably not be in my vocabulary anymore, but somehow it is. I am struggling to believe I can.
Let me just vent it all out right here for a second:
- I haven’t been away from home for longer than 3 months- how am I going to handle an entire year?
- I haven’t worked with kids in over 2 years and don’t know how to handle them anymore- how am I going to work with kids in different countries?
- I don’t know if I can afford the rest of the gear I need to go.
- I don’t know if I can take the toll this trip will physically take on me.
- I have frustrations with the church, how am I supposed to serve in it?
- I’ve seen bad ministry on the mission field- what if I don’t agree with what they are doing?
- There are cultures where women are treated and thought of horribly- what if I can’t handle that?
- I’ve been battling depression and anxiety- what if I’m not better by the time I go? How do I deal with that on the race?
- I will be missing out on a lot back at home and pushing back my career- is it worth it?
- I have my own struggles of faith and doubt- how do I teach and preach and serve when I might now know if I believe it?
- I don’t want to keep going… this is defeating.
I’m sure this is where you are going to scroll down to the bottom and comment some relevant Bible verses… “If God is for us, who can be against us?” or “With God, all things are possible.” Thanks for your encouragement and direction to God’s word, but I need a little more than that.
I sit amazed at the amount of people that believe that I can. I am almost fully funded. Can we just repeat that phrase again?
I am almost fully funded. Sheesh. It hasn’t even been 3 months of me fundraising and I. am. almost. fully. funded. In the past, I’ve fundraised $3,000 for 6 months before and didn’t reach my deadline at all. I am now sitting on $15,000 in less than 3 months. Holy crap.
You have given so generously because you all believe that I CAN do it. Sometimes I look at that number (to be quite honest I feel like I’ve done absolutely nothing to raise it) and I think “I don’t deserve this.” This money could be used for so many other things. Am I really going to steward this money well while on the race? I really hope I do you guys proud.
Okay so if you have read this far, you are probably thinking “Shoot, this is the most depressing blog post I have ever read!” Well, coming from someone in a depression, that sounds about right. But, hold on, don’t give up yet.
Here’s one thing I know:
I’m a fighter.
I am not a quitter when it comes to hard times or difficult questions- I always, and I mean always push through. This is not something that I know from seeing it in myself, it’s from family and friends around me that have affirmed this attribute in me over years and years of different hardships. It is something that I have heard over and over again when I pour out my heart during a difficult time. I do not give up when things get hard and I keep hope, even if it’s the smallest little bit. I KNOW that hard times refine me into a better human being and follower of Christ. I KNOW that even though I don’t hear Him, or feel Him, or see Him working in any good way in my life right NOW, I KNOW He still is working. I know from looking at my past, looking at the stories of the Bible, and learning from people before me. He is still there. There have been plenty of moments where I didn’t believe He was, but when push came to shove, I knew I knew it. He was ALWAYS there. In the end, I can be thankful for the hard times I go through because it changed me in a better way.
I think God is changing me now.
And for SURE on the World Race.
So when I ask the question “Can I really do this?” My answer is: I KNOW I can’t do it. But I also KNOW that God walks me through everything, every day, in every country, in every ministry, with every dollar, and with THAT, I walk forward saying I CAN.
I think God tells me that through you guys, through 3 months of fundraising and almost fully funded (shaking my head in disbelief).
God has basically handed me the money, with a smirk on His face saying “you can.”
And I nod.
