Mud filled every crevice of my once clean chacos. As I took them off, the red mud coated the bottom of my already dirty feet. After stepping on the fluffy blue mat filled with hair, I felt the dried mud cracking with every footstep. Freshly mopped white floors turned into the burnt orange tile of the narrow steps leading to the rooftop. With sore thighs from eight flights of stairs, I crossed through the white door. Immediately, an inexpressible peace filled me, and I knew the Holy Spirit was there. I walked under the lights strung over me to the edge of the roof and quieted my soul. The darkness of night was penetrated by the bright moon and stars which shone over us. I felt safe.
Abandoning life in America to live in Cambodia with 45 strangers has been a growing experience to say the least. Before coming on the Race, I prayed that God would strip me of my natural inclination to depend on people over Him. I prayed that as I drew near to Him, He would draw near to me and be everything I needed. I prayed that my joy wouldn’t be based on relationships with people or even spiritually mature conversations about the Lord, but that it I would be filled by God, and God alone. That way, if all that came true, people couldn’t hurt me. And I couldn’t hurt people.
While I truly did want a deeper relationship with the Lord, I prayed these things out of a place of fear. Fear of trusting people. Fear of allowing new people into my life. Fear of hurting someone. Fear of someone hurting me. I didn’t want to build deep relationships with people or let them know me, because I knew I wasn’t good at setting emotional boundaries for myself.
In the midst of my fear, the Lord called my name. “Trust me,” He said. Before the Race, I heard people say to my parents, “There is no place safer than for Hannah to be in God’s will.” I thought that was just for my parents to hear so they would be at peace with me being in third-world countries for 9 months, but I am realizing I needed to hear that just as much as they did. I truly am safe here in the arms of my Father. And my Father calls me to trust Him. Trust Him with relationships. Trust Him with situations. Trust Him with conversations. Trust Him with everything.
God wants us to have life, and have it abundantly. I started the Race closing myself off to all that He had to teach and show me with relationships. I only wanted community with God and little Cambodian children, not with people from my squad, because I was scared of messing up or getting hurt. It was when my fear became a burden that the Lord showed me He was answering my prayers. As I sought after the Lord for peace and wisdom, I was depending on Him, not people. I came to Him excepting Him to be everything, not half-hoping, and He has been faithful to be just that. As I began opening up to my team, I started genuinely loving them. Then, I began letting them love me. The Lord is teaching me to trust Him more, and as I continue this journey with Him, I truly am finding joy in Him. But I am also finding joy in Him through other people. And that has been a beautiful process.
Guitar strings softly played as our voices came together to praise the Lord on that roof in Siem Reap, Cambodia. It is well with my soul, we kept singing. A smile erupted from my lips as I truly knew in my heart that it was well with my soul. I am safe in my Father’s arms. I have experienced the peace which transcends all understanding. Despite trials, shortcomings, shame, sorrow, and above all, fear, it truly is well with my soul. Not because of anything I have done, but because what Christ has done for me.
