Many of you know that I struggle with anxiety. It’s something I’ve dealt with for quite some time actually, but only really “figured it out” a few years ago.
I’ve even been on medication for the past couple of years to ease the most severe side effects and maintain a normal day to day life.
However, my senior year of college seemed to be the worst case of it yet. At the time I didn’t really understand why, but now it makes sense that the devil was trying to attack me so I wouldn’t seem strong enough to go on this journey.
I upped my medication and I started seeing a counselor on a regular basis. I had a steady schedule and the rest of the school year carried on that way.
When I upped my medication, my doctor made a comment along the lines of, “Now you won’t have to be on this forever, it’s just a stage of life you’re in.” And that thought has stuck with me ever since.
Since I started The World Race I have really considered stopping my medication. I’m surrounded by a constant supportive community who would speak truth to me if I was ever doubting so it seemed like the best possible time. It also could be the worst possible time because spiritual warfare is intense outside of the United States and I could “break” very easily.
All of these thoughts have been running through my head the past 6 months constantly. I think it’s so important to note that I do feel confident in my relationship with the Lord and I believe that I could rely on Him if something were to happen. These past 6 months have helped me posture my heart in new ways and discern for myself what I am emotionally capable of. But this World Race thing is a big deal and my anxiety medicine isn’t hurting me, so why take a risk like that when I am trying to be obedient to the Lord and give the devil a little more potential to step in and cause damage?
Fortunately, many of my squad mates are nurses so they know the effects of medicine and I am able to ask them any and all of my questions. My anxiety medicine isn’t the only medicine I am on, but it is the one that has the strongest ability to change me. The other medicines are not meant to effect my mood or emotions, but they still have the chance that they could. So, I have decided that the last 2-3 months of The World Race I will stop taking the other medicines and give my body a chance to recoup the things that the medicine has been taking away or changing.
I also foresee that coming home has the potential to be quite a challenge and I want to be fully armored up if the devil tries to attack my thoughts and my actions once I step foot on United States soil.
And none of this has to make any sense to you and you could completely disagree, but it is the decision I have made.
The crazy thing though, once I committed to this decision, I started to doubt it. I started to have anxiety more powerful than it has ever been since I stepped foot on the mission field in August. Ghana was so good for my team and it allowed us to fight for each other, but emotionally, I was struggling. Bad.
Now isn’t that a coincidence? I make decisions that are good and then the devil attacks and makes it feel like they are bad. I started to really question my decision and wonder if I really was capable of going about life without the help of my daily 50mg of Zoloft. But once I spoke this out to my team they took the time to speak truth in my soul and make me realize that this wasn’t from the Lord.
This biggest thing this has taught me is that there will be periods of really high highs and periods of really low lows and that’s okay. I don’t have to be 100% all the time and Jesus will still love me. I’m allowed to have bouts of anxiety and I can still be classified as someone who is faithfully following the Lord. My God desires nothing but good for me, but sometimes the devil attacks and God takes those moments to teach us and grow us.
Love,
Banana
