My whole life I have been known as the quiet girl. I don’t remember a single day where someone hasn’t made a comment about how quiet I am. The strange part about it was that I could tell that they almost thought my quietness was a bad thing. Given, from the time of birth to about 5 or 6 years old, my quietness was somewhat troublesome (I wouldn’t even talk to my brothers) but, for some reason I couldn’t figure out how to shake that from my repertoire of personality traits.
I have vivid memories of people making comments about my quietness all throughout life. Even comments along the lines of, “If you had been my child, I would have been so mad at you when you didn’t talk.” I was getting shamed for my past self and then automatically put back into the “quiet/shy girl” category after trying to be vulnerable. Even if I had grown, people blocked that and continued to view me as the “quiet/shy girl.” As I got older if I had a quiet moment and someone I didn’t know made a comment about it, I was very quick to explain my child self and give them the permission to treat me like I was still that person. So, I am a fault for some of this, but that still doesn’t make up for the fact that I can count on one hand the people who have told me they appreciate and value my quietness. When did quietness become such a bad and wrong thing to be?
The past couple of months I have been struggling with the idea that maybe I’m not actually quiet but, it has been spoken over me my whole life that I just formed into that person. So, starting The World Race sounded like the perfect time to figure that out and I was preparing myself for some long, thought-out, deep discovery spanning most The World Race, but I guess God has some other things for me to work out because I was given the answer at the end of month one.
The last few days have been spent debriefing the last month and figuring out any heart issues that may have occurred. The very first day our squad leader, Allison gave a devotional right after breakfast. Allison talked about the story of Martha and Mary. The story is Luke 10:38-42 if you haven’t heard it, but basically Mary sits at the Lord’s feet listening to his teaching and Martha distracts herself with a lot serving. Eventually Martha gets angry with her sister Mary for not helping her and asks the Lord to please tell her sister that she should be helping her. Allison shared this story in the lens of spiritual gifts. Maybe Mary is a person that is very good at making people feel heard and listened to, and people become comfortable to share with her. And maybe Martha is a person who is very good at serving people and hosting gatherings. Both are necessary for Kingdom work and valued in the Lord’s eyes. It is also necessary for us to become comfortable and okay with other people’s gifts or personality traits even if we don’t see the value in them right away. It is not our job to tell someone that something about them is wrong and that they need and should change. This doesn’t mean that if someone is being negative that you can’t speak life into them, but it also doesn’t help if its phrased in a way that is shaming and makes them feel bad about themselves.
With all that being said, I would like to proclaim to the world that yes, I am quiet. My quietness isn’t wrong. My quietness brings many people peace and comfortability. Just even my presence is calming and it is easy for people to share and be vulnerable with me. So please, please, please never tell me that I am quiet and act like it is a bad thing again! Because being quiet is so, so good.
Love,
Hannah
