As I sit in my bed tending to all the wounds I received over the last 10 days (physically and emotionally) I can’t help but smile and and think about all that myself and my teammates just learned about God while we were at training camp. I have never experienced so many emotions in such a short amount of time and it was incredible.
Right off the bat my ears were flooded with details about just how different my life is going to look this next year. For instance, I will no longer even have the option to become apart of a conventional church community. I will be picking up and relocating every 4 weeks. BUT having a church doesn’t mean that I have to attend a building with 4 walls, a roof, and a steeple…
- the church is growing in intimacy with God
- the church is building each other up in community
- the church is the mission that God gave to us
We don’t have to have a building to be the church. Church is found in the ways we are living with each other and how we are choosing to live out our lives. The body of a church is equipped with so many important and incredible gifts, a building doesn’t need to be present in order for us to find and use them. We have an obligation and a responsibility to use the gifts that God has given us.
While we’re on the topic of “gifts.” Gifts are often compared and some are even viewed as better or more valuable than others, but to compare is to not appreciate what God has given us (yes, I also felt like I got slapped in the face when i heard that).
The community I was given in my squad is incredible. I have never bonded with people the way I did with them in just 10 days. Our team was perfectly orchestrated by God and I love each of them so much. I am so grateful for the church I will get to experience with them this next year of my life.
Now onto forgiveness…
if any of you know me, you know that I am very passive, don’t hold grudges, and probably give way too many chances. At training camp my personality was described as one who gets “steamrolled” (that hit the nail on the coffin). I didn’t really think I had anyone one in my life that I needed to spend time and consciously forgive them, but boy was I wrong. We were given a short script of an example of what to say with a fill in the blank for the name and those names just kept coming one after another after another. Forgiveness is one of the most powerful things in the world. Walking in unforgiveness is giving the devil a foothold to ruin your life and infect your soul. Living this way will only turn into hatred. So, on this night, when the names kept flowing, I prayed that forgiveness would fully sink into my soul, that I would forgive fully to the extent of the problem, and that the Lord would bless the people that hurt me. This night and the next few days after were huge for me. I experienced so much healing in my soul that I didn’t even realize was broken. I cried a lot, encouraging words were constantly being spoken over me, and I FINALLY started to understand that my God really does love me despite the shame and guilt I have felt. (I had A LOT of shame, but not anymore. Thanks, JC).
Lets talk about emotions…
Geez do I have a lot of emotions. I remember crying on my kitchen counter to my parents in middle school that I just needed one thing different in my life and I would be allll good (thank you hormones). Like full on weeping and I could never tell my parents what that one thing needed to be. Fortunately, I’ve gotten this under a little bit more control. It is so important to slow down and figure out where emotions are coming from. And when you figure it out, let the Lord heal you, not others. This is so important. Also, healing comes in levels. You may think you have forgiven someone or gotten over something that happened to you, but our hearts and our minds will only allow us to go so deep right of the bat. Don’t be discouraged when something you thought you were done with pops back up again. It’s normal. Compartmentalizing our emotions is a false sense of control and acknowledging our emotions leads us to places that need to be dealt with.
Now for some tidbits on shame (this was a VERY hard day)
- Shame is the thing that walks us out of relationship.
- Shame will never lead you into truth or a relationship.
- Shame just leads to more shame.
- I am good enough and sometimes I do things out of character.
- You can’t judge your own shame… Jesus gets to.
- You don’t get to judge other people… Jesus gets to.
- Grace is something that we don’t deserve yet still receive.
- You don’t get to judge yourself and not receive grace. That is pride.
On this day we did an exercise to try and locate where our shame came from and how it developed. This lead me to realize that from a very age and then recurring events that caused certain emotions throughout my life, that I did not believe that I was good enough. On this day I completely broke down and finally let go of my shame and experienced so much freedom within myself. I felt like I had finally given full control of my life to Jesus Christ. I realized that I am good enough.
My team: Vessel of Peace
Though I am on a squad on 26, we get split up into 4 different teams and serve at 4 different missions while in country. Teams will change throughout the year, but these are the women that I get to serve with for the next few months. When we learned that we were on a team together, we all felt an overwhelming sense of peace with it and each other (hence the idea behind our team name). One of our squad leaders, Wayne Mask also saw this within our team and spoke the verse Proverbs 16:7 over us…
“When a man’s ways please the Lord, he makes even his enemies to be at peace with him.”
As a team, we decided that this verse was what we wanted to arm ourselves with as we begin to do Kingdom with one another. I am so excited to grow with these women and to see how the Lord is going to use us while we are serving.
#Wayneingcamp
This next step in my life is coming so so fast and I am beyond excited. My next fundraising goal deadline of $10,000 is July 21st. So, please prayerfully considering supporting me this next year whether it be through prayer or money. I am extremely grateful for all of the support I have already received and I can’t wait to see how you all continue to bless me as I embark on this journey.
In Christ,
Hannah
