For those of you who know me, you know that I lack boundaries along with the inability to say no. No boundaries + inability to say no = DANGER. This wonderful personality trait has managed to fill my heart with anxiety, stress, worry, and anger (just to name a few). There are three different type of people who lack boundaries; doormats, enablers, and pleasers. Someone I’ve managed to embody all three at the exact same time. I let people take advantage of me, I protect my people from every problem and emotion possible, and I try to please everyone so that I don’t have to deal with conflict.
So why do we need boundaries?
- Boundaries help to create healthy relationships. This is you, and this is me. We are separate. My issues are mine and your issues are yours.
- Boundaries are important to help protect and care for oneself. If you are not getting the respect that you deserve, take a look at your boundaries.
- Boundaries help you to define yourself. Without boundaries, you won’t know who you are, what you want, or how you feel.
- Boundaries help to minimize stress and conflict in a relationship. With clear boundaries, there’s nothing to argue about.
Being the youngest in my family, I was always looking for guidance from my parents and siblings. I got used to always being told what to do, what was best for me, and to act/do the same things that my siblings did. It didn’t help that I was painfully shy so i never spoke up or asked questions. As I’ve gotten older, I still struggle with this. I lack creativity and its hard for me to make decisions because I want everyone to be proud of me and happy about the decision I made. I want people to tell me what to do or to tell me what they want to do and then I’ll just follow along. For some reason, this past year (school year), this struggle has completely taken over me. I’ve had more anxiety attacks than ever before. I quit a decent paying job, I let a friend blame me for a fight that I wasn’t even involved in, I ran home for two weeks so that I didn’t have to see people that I thought were disappointed in me, I pursued many draining relationships, and I probably said “yes” to many, many things that I am not okay with.
BUT
I finally stood up for myself in a friendship that was nothing but life-taking, I stayed home on a Wednesday night when all my friends went out because I just didn’t feel like it, I have told a few people “no” when I wasn’t okay with something, I’ve started trying to figure out the things that I genuinely like, and I’ve started trying to make decisions for myself and find wisdom within my own self-discovery of the Lord and not from everyone else.
I still have a long way to go and I have some breathing techniques to practice, but I am starting to build up some boundaries for myself.
I just started reading a book called, “Changes That Heal” and this quote was on the first page:
“Those who worshipped Grace had only one problem: they heard little truth spoken. As a result, they continued to fall into bad situations that required more and more grace. It is not that the goddess Grace minded giving more. Grace’s grace had no limit. However, Grace’s followers needed direction to keep them from falling into the same old patterns over and over again. They needed guidance to steer them away from trouble.”
The book continues to go on and reveals that what Grace’s followers needed was Truth. They needed to be told when and why they were wrong so they did not continue to need grace for the same situations.
I believe that I am going through this battle within myself. I have made “grace” the foundation of my being, but I need “truth” to step in tell me when to say “no” and to not do something that I don’t want to and to stick up for myself. Grace and truth can’t exist without each other. On their own, they have established themselves as false gods. They are symbols of the human condition after the fall, when sin ripped grace and truth apart. But, together they create our God.
“Just as grace is the relational aspect of God’s character, truth is the structural aspect of his character.”
I need grace and truth to exist within me equally. I need to have a grace-filled and truthful relationship with God, not one or the other. So, lets encourage our people to make decisions for themselves! It’s okay to offer advice, but not okay to steer someone in a direction they are not okay with. It’s okay to express concern and worry about a situation, but not okay to manipulate someone into feeling bad about what they’ve done. Support your people no matter what choice they make. Having healthy boundaries with people will teach them to treat you with respect and acceptance. True love is not giving up yourself to make others happy.
P.S. Do’t get angry at me if I tell you “no.” Creating boundaries also comes with being assertive and I’m still trying to figure how to do it all. A lifetime of a certain mindset doesn’t change over night…
Love,
Hannah
