Yesterday was day 134. 134 days since I got on a bus. And then a plane. And shipped out to Colombia. Country number 1. Yesterday was our halfway point of the race. Mind-blowing.
I have lived in 4 countries. I have called 6 cities home. I have lived indoors with AC. I have had a bed. And a real shower with hot water. I have slept outside. In a bamboo hut. Showered in a river. Used a bucket shower. Gone a month without seeing myself in a mirror. Dressed up. and gone a week without changing clothes #traveldays.
So, as you can imagine, Life as a racer keeps you on your toes. It’s a beautiful life. A dirty exhausting one. But my cup is always half full.
With that being said- There are hardships that come with being a international missionary for 9 months. Some of the big, some of them small.
This one falls somewhere in the middle- but its something that has been on my heart so hard for the past few weeks. And i truly believe that if spoken out- His goodness will shine through.
Simply put- When you live like we do. As women. With minimal clothing to our name that we’ve been wearing on rotation for the past 5 months of our lives. Going days without showering and for me (ha) weeks without brushing your hair.
It is hard to feel beautiful.
To wake up and feel clean and refreshed. And put on clothes that make us feel good.
Its rare.
Extremely.
In the past few weeks I have had multiple conversations with my girls about how we are living in this daily cycle of feeling less.
Craving just one day of feeling good. Beautiful. Familiar.
Feeling like US.
Truthfully, I have had dreams- real dreams about being at home and taking a long shower. And being able to walk into my closet and choose from clothes that I haven’t worn a zillion times before. It might sound silly but it is real. The desire to have a shred of normality. The small things that we use to be able to do to feel like us. Girls. Beautiful. Put-together.
But after hitting a low spot and pretty much giving up on my appearance as a whole because I felt like feeling beautiful was a hopeless case out here on the field- I cried to Jesus about it.
And here is what He said—
“You ARE beautiful. I am just redefining beauty for you. It is expressing yourself through what you choose to wear. It is feeling clean. But it is so much more than that. Your sleepy smile when you wake up on a Sunday excited for church is beautiful. The fact that you give up all those comforts to pursue me and my people is beautiful. The little giggle that escapes between you and your teammate after you look at the craziness that is your “only clothes i have left clean” outfit is beautiful. Your weight gain because you chose to live in Asia for 4 months is beautiful. Your dreaded messy bun hair is beautiful. The way your heart is hungry for miracles is beautiful. Your faithfulness that I am sovereign and good is beautiful. Through and through you are beautiful. I see you. I love you.”
He truly is opening my eyes to real and raw beauty. Its unconventional but isn’t that how it usually goes when you choose a life with Jesus???
It is the small moments. The ones you’ll over look if you don’t pay real good attention that hold so much beauty.
While the human part of my still deeply desires all of the things I listed above- I am learning daily to love more the things that the Father deems beautiful.
And that is me— In my realest, rawest, dirtiest, happiest form. Which is right now. Living this life He has called me to.
And If that wasn’t sweet enough. In my moment of desperation, I asked Jesus for a little bit of encouragement. Something. Someone. Anything.
This morning— first thing when I woke up. Bree Rubel came and sat down next to my sleeping pad. Looked me in the eyes. And said “wow. you are so beautiful”.
He hears us. He loves us. He calls us beautiful.
I am thankful for for a Father who cares about my heart and for sister friends who call me back into who I am.
This life is tough, but it sure is beautiful.
