last blog ever.
wow never thought i’d be saying that haha
i’ve been home for 2 weeks now and it’s wild
not sure why i have had this idea for my last blog but it kinda all makes sense, so let me take you back to October 2017 in Haiti, month 2 of my race.
house visits everyday, sometimes 2-4 houses in a day. too many stories to count but i remember just about all of them because it cut straight into my heart.
everyone has a unique story but one bothersome detail was constant. when we asked if they go to church (this question is a super great segway into conversation about God and their beliefs) the part where they said they didn’t go did not at all bother me. what actually kept me up at night in steamy tears and anger is when they tell me why they don’t go to church.
person after sweet, sweet person say that they don’t have church clothes.
what the hell are church clothes ?!
the longer i was there the more i saw the repetition and more behind it. their usual explanation was that it was simply the culture, “that’s just how it is here”.
you “need” nice clothes to go to church
a woman who i met there had told me that she went to church once with the best clothes she had and she was so overcome with the judgment of the regular church attendees.
i could go on and on about how i firmly believe “christians” are the most judgmental people in the world because they think that they are less sinful than everyone else but that’s not why i wrote this.
i am writing this because the race is over. and at the very least i want to be able to live this one thing out for the rest of my life.
i want to live out my convictions.
Conviction refers to the state of being convinced and confident that something is true; it means a strong persuasion or belief. In other words, conviction stands opposed to doubt and skepticism. When we think of a woman of conviction, we also think in terms of action and direction. We think of a person whose convictions have a definite impact on how she lives, on what she does, says, and where she goes. By a woman of biblical convictions we mean a woman whose convictions are derived from Scripture and whose convictions affect her scripturally.
i felt a dart into my heart to tell those people what i believe is true; we should be able to come to the church as we are.
also that we are the church
and when Jesus is actually in us, unsuppressed, we don’t dare to settle to be white washed tombs as the pharisees did.
these past 2 weeks i’ve become aware of the hurting reality that i can’t just give my convictions to others. that’s just not how it works, i’ve been expecting for those around me to act in mind of the worlds realities that i’ve looked in the eyes.
hungry children
destitute(-destitute meaning: without money, possessions, or any of the things needed to live) women men and children, separately and together
those content with only the necessities
intensely grateful teenagers for free toothpaste, toothbrush, soap and a towel
those who have the right to complain yet never do
honestly i’ve had several breakdowns because it hurts so much to be here. frustrated because i don’t deserve any of these THINGS and i want to give everything to those eyes i’ve seen all around the world.
but be the change am i right
it’s hard and i know the easy way is to forget and suppress so i can stop swimming against the raging stream.
anyway yes i want to walk so freaking firm in my convictions to be a different breed of Christian that actually walks like Jesus, not just to have the words that are easy on the ears.
i want to end it with this quote i’m so deeply inspired by ” it’s never too late or too soon. it’s when it’s suppose to be.” do i know where it’s from? no, found it on someone’s insta caption talking about something that actually matters for a change ahaha
i want to hold on to this closely to my heart because over and over in my life i drift away from good things or the exact opposite; i have this habit or way of who i am and i feel as though it’s been me for so long because everyone is use to it, that i don’t believe i can change now.
but it reminds me that right now, i’ll say that again, right now is the time to change.
no ‘preparing to change on tuesday’
no more ‘i tried to be the new me but people are treating me like the old me and i slipped into it again so i should give up because it’ll never happen’
no ‘i’ve been this way for forever, it’ll be weird if i completely change now’
it’s not too late.
it’s not too soon.
NOW it’s when it’s suppose to be.
let’s be a people who don’t talk about it but simply are about it
or not
either way i’ll be trying
love-
g
please FEEL FREE to email me with anything you want to talk about, thoughts on this blog or any other of my blogs, questions about the race or me:), prayer requests, jokes ANYTHING @ crespo.gracee@gmail.com
