Sitting on the school bus coming back to the compound from doing house visits in the village of Bercy to eat lunch.
I was trying to cry silently facing the window so no one notices and asks me about it. I was so hurt. So angry. So many emotions that are not of God.
I was clinging to my bible because I knew I needed it or else I might actually explode. In my other hand I was tightly clinging to my key.
[on the key. Long story short a man from the organization prayed over every individual gap year participant and God gave him a word for all of us. He put that word he was given on a key for everyone. So the purpose of the key is to bring it to the Lord ourselves, ask Him what it means and how He wants us to dive into the meaning of it. And once we have fully understood what it means in our lives and have completely grown in the truth we ask God to reveal to us the person He wants to work that same transforming power of that truth in their life and we give them the key and explain what I just did. And hopefully that cycle continues]
The funny thing about that is my squad mentor Kate emailed me telling me about a vision she keeps having of me. It’s that I am holding my key, not looking, not trying to engage with it but just holding it tight.
My Daddy put into my mind the story of the woman who touched Jesus’ robe so she will finally be healed.
Mark 5.
34 He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.”
Your faith has healed you.
Not your faith is going to heal you
Not you faith will heal you
My faith that God Himself had GIVEN me HAS ALREADY healed me.
Oh by the way fun fact my key says healed.
The past two weeks Jesus has been telling me to accept the facts:
Accept the fact that I am already redeemed from my savior who when He died barring my sins on Him and said “it is finished”, that He meant it. (John 19:30)
Accept the fact that I have already been cleaned as white as snow by the blood of Jesus. (Isaiah 1:18)
Accept the fact that I am already whole. I lack nothing when I am connected to my Creator. (Psalm 23:1)
Accept the fact that I am already Holy because once I died to my self my life became hidden with Christ in God (Colossians 3:3)
Accept the fact that I am already healed from the only One who can heal.
What I think is so wild is that in this moment when I was crying out to God to take away these things I am feeling that are not of Him that what felt like were physically weighing me down, He says go in peace. I needed His peace and I didn’t even know. But He knew I needed to.
“Be freed from your suffering“. He has given me the freedom but He has also given me the choice to choose that freedom or to be complacent in my suffering.
I want to choose be free.
I want to choose light.
I want to always know that I can not choose these beautiful gifts with my own will power. Because I know for a fact (even though I always do) when I do choose these things with my own strength, I always with out fail fall back into my bondage.
Every freaking time.
I always see insta moms posting inspirational word photos saying things like
“Your best teacher is your last mistake”
“All we have is now”
“Do what you like, like what you do”
But the one that came to mind is:
I’ve never agreed with an insta mom post so much.
That is where I am right here right now.
Choosing to be utterly dependent and desperate for God’s help in choosing light, choosing freedom, choosing Him.
All I can say is that it’s really cool for a lack of a better word that God used that painful and frustrating moment to show me His truth that He has shared with me.
I finally know what my key means.
Thank God.
Love, grace
Also I have some prayer requests if you don’t mind. I desperately need prayer for humbleness and a confidence that I can not do anything apart from God. 🙂 thanks
