True: in accordance with fact or reality. A true story, loyal or faithful.
Truth is something I have been working on. It’s not that I lie, although I do have Irish roots; which means stories tend to be exaggerated over time.
Say I went fishing and caught a 4-inch bluegill, by the time I’ve told the story four times that same bluegill will be at least a foot long.
The truth I am talking about is personal truth, the truth about myself, about my past and my actions. The Race has caused me to take a deep look at who I was, and frankly, I didn’t like what I saw. God was bringing up memories and things I had hidden in the deepest part of my being. Instances that I never wanted to go back to, instances that I was perfectly content with taking to the grave.
But God was saying no. He knew that I needed to lift the bowling ball of weight off my chest, to allow me to breathe. El Salvador brought to my attention some of the things I found annoying and frustrating in my life. Things that are so small, yet we’re magnified to consume my whole being.
Truth.
So here goes, there was one day that month, that I couldn’t be by anyone on my team because I thought I was going to snap, to scream and hit someone. It was the little things and the big, that made me get angrier. It took me a moment like this to realize where my anger and annoyances were coming from.
Everything seemed to stem from one place, one person.
Ryan. My brother.
The person I am supposed to be closest to. The person I am supposed to protect because that is the job of a big sister.
The truth is: That is exactly the opposite of what I had done. I was close to my brother when it was convenient when I could get something out of the relationship. I protected my brother when I felt threatened.
Everything no matter what was about me.
I had been living my life mostly correcting what he did ‘wrong’ so that he could be more like me. In my mind, I was the perfect person and who he should aim to emulate. Now that I think about how I treated him, I am so embarrassed and ashamed. I’m appalled at who I was.
How messed up was my viewpoint?
What gave me the right to label myself perfect and make others emulate me?
As long as I was getting my way and I was happy, I felt my words and actions were justified.
I was fine with:
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Talking down to him.
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Using my size as intimidation.
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Physically restraining him to get my way.
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Using fear tactics.
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Being a bully.
I was a bully.
I was what my teachers warned me about, what I warned my own students about. Here I was not even realizing I was exactly what I was trying to prevent.
I was a bully until September of 2017, almost 22 years of my life. It took me this long to see past my own wants to realize what I do and say can affect others.
We learn to trust the Lord through suffering.
The suffering is preparing us for the best outcome.
God. He alone is what is best for us. He continues to love me despite my past, and despite how long it took me to realize my mistakes.
In El Salvador, the word dandelion was spoken over me.
It goes beyond being a weed, it is:
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Healing for emotional pain and physical injury.
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Intelligence, especially in an emotional and spiritual sense.
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Warmth and power of a rising sun.
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Surviving through all challenges and difficulties.
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Long lasting happiness and youthful joy.
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Getting your wish fulfilled.
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Ability to rise above life’s challenges.
At the time I thought I had dug myself out of the valley for the rest of the year, and yet I found myself deep in the pit time after time.
In Nepal, I hit another low. I learned I didn’t really have control over my emotions, I allowed my emotions to control me. My emotions were dictating my reactions and influencing my thought process. It was terrible, sitting in pain I didn’t understand but not sure how to get rid of it. But without going through this month and learning about my lack of control; I would never have begun the journey with God to gain full control, he helped me gain emotional and spiritual intelligence.
I’m an emotional person, I cry because I don’t know what I’m feeling. I’m overwhelmed unless I take things directly to the Lord. If I see an injured animal, I’m a goner. Completely wrecked by others pain and suffering. I want everyone to be happy and healthy so much that I take on others pain.
For a few months during the race, I would say I was depressed. I was stuck in myself and my “problems” choosing to sit in the victim circle without acknowledging my areas of ownership. Then in Malaysia that all changed. I was able to pull myself out of my depressed state through prayer and unwavering support from my teammates. They taught me how to laugh again, to feel so much joy in my whole body, that I was constantly on the verge of peeing my pants. I was a whole new Emma. The joyful happy Emma had been lost after basketball ended, I was no longer on the team but I hadn’t found a new community to help me grow.
Now I laugh all the time, I make jokes and have a lightness about me; something my teammates say brings more joy to them. They reminded me how to be full of joy, how to be happy.
The past 11 months have been some of the hardest months of my life. I didn’t have basketball, school or work to hide behind when things got hard. God allowed everything to hit me like a wave in the chest. My lessons had me staggering back looking for something to hold on to and I came up empty repeatedly getting pummeled by the waves, that only grew in size. And just like the waves of the ocean, they continued to roll in, bringing water higher up the shore, smoothing out the sand as it moved. The ripples in the sand were me, areas of my character that needed work. In some places where sand castles had been built there were deep holes to fill, and other times the waves covered up a small footprint making the sand unblemished. This whole time God has been trying to build up my character making me into a Proverbs 31 woman, making me more like Him. He was teaching me how to not only survive life’s challenges and difficulties but teaching me how to rise up and conquer them.
Lord, like a mother who carries her baby, guide me into the life and purpose you have for me. Raise me to be strong, to walk into the waves with eagerness because I know you will provide the hand when I reach for balance.
Over time a dandelion changes.
It starts as a small seed in the ground; it is covered by dirt and water and eventually grows. By the time dandelions are fully mature, they are able to spread dozens of seeds so more can grow. It’s a fast process before you know it dandelions have taken over the whole yard. Similarly, that is what God had happen for me this year. As soon as I had “gotten through” a tough time, I immediately went into another. Maybe it was the best timing for God or maybe He just wanted to see how much he could flip my world upside down. This has been a year of constant processing, going from one topic to the next.
I signed up for the race thinking I was just going to be a missionary, I didn’t see anything in my past that I needed the Lord to help me with. I wasn’t living a life of visible sin so there was no need to fix something that wasn’t broken. Here is where I was wrong, no sin is greater than another. They are all equal in God’s eye and they all require repentance and prayer.
Once I realized I had been a bully to my brother, I started looking at the rest of my life, looking for other areas I could ask for forgiveness. Each time I discover an area of growth I hand it over to the Lord and together we slowly process it.
He is patient with me, kind, helpful, and full of grace.
He only wants me to succeed.
Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin.
For I know my transgressions and my son is always before me.
Psalm 51:2-3
I have seen my life from the perspective of the Lord, I have seen my sins and asked for repentance.
Repent: To feel or express great regret or remorse about one’s wrongdoing or sin.
Coffee is one of my favorite drinks, I have tasted fresh roast coffee from around the world. I have assisted in the process of making a cup, leading me to find Christ in every sip.
C.O.F.F.E.E.
Christ
Offers
Forgiveness
For
Everyone
Everywhere
As the waves roll in I stand expectant, ready, strong.
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