Grace
A name I would love to name a daughter one day.
A beautiful word, that means a free, unmerited favor from God.
A word that I don’t give to myself.
I want that. I want the free unmerited favor from God. I want to live a life of grace.
God died on the cross for me; He chose to take all my sins before I even committed them, yet I haven’t been doing my part of grace and forgiveness. Why if Jesus can love every one of us, sins and all, can I not forgive myself?
I don’t know if I’ve ever fully forgiven myself. I always strive to be my very best, often expecting perfection. And when that doesn’t happen I don’t give myself grace, I beat myself up harder because I wasn’t as good as I wanted.
I have memories floating around my mind from when I was 7 and made a mistake and memories from yesterday when I wasn’t obedient to God when he told me to stop and talk. When I was the only one to fail a spelling test in 5th grade, I learned I couldn’t spell. 10 words and I got less than 6 correct.
A few weeks ago I borrowed a teammates camera during Awakening. At the end of the day I thought I gave it back at the hotel, only to realized later that night I didn’t have it. They didn’t have it. I tore through my few items hoping to find it, but I never did. I felt awful, and because I felt awful, my self-talk turned negative and I was feeding myself lies of the devil. The next morning I couldn’t find my key to our room, I don’t lose anything; I always know where things are because then I can find everything! When I get stressed I lose things and become unfocused. I found the camera, right where I left it. I apologized profusely and was forgiven and graciously given the opportunity to keep it in my bag all day.
I was forgiven but I still hold it against myself. I don’t know why but whenever I lose an item, every time I have ever lost/misplaced something comes front and center in my head. I don’t forget my mistakes. I was forgiven, but I haven’t been able to forgive myself; because to a person who doesn’t lose things, losing a camera could have been a catastrophic mess up.
The past two months have been all about grace and forgiveness. I have been studying it in the bible and through sermons. I have been practicing giving it to other people with an end goal of giving grace to others and learning how to give grace to myself.
Every day I forgive myself. I write it down saying, Lord, you’ve forgiven me and today I am choosing to forgive myself. I cannot change the past but I don’t have to allow the past to have any effect on me currently. I completely, wholeheartedly forgive myself.
I am going to be honest, I don’t like the topic of grace and forgiveness. It’s hard. It hurts. And I don’t have to deal with it. I just don’t, I can make the choice to stay exactly where I am right now because in many ways that would be the easier option. I don’t like bringing up everything from my past that deserves forgiveness. Right now, I only have to deal with the things I don’t like when I reach a trigger point. Which sometimes is every day and other times every few months or years. It’s bearable, I can live with it but God isn’t calling me to just live with it. He’s calling me to overcome this mountain in my life. He wants me to be free of mistakes and to live in peace with Him.
In worship one morning last month, we sang Oh Come To The Altar by Elevation Worship. Never has it meant so much to me than in that moment. The blood of Jesus Christ that was spilled was all that my sins would ever cost. He paid for it all, I will never be given a bill by God or asked for more because it’s already done! Praise the Lord, I am forgiven!! And he calls me home every day because he chooses to love me through it all.
“Oh come to the altar, the Father’s arms are open wide. Forgiveness was bought with the precious blood of Jesus Christ.”
I Emma Donahue, am forgiven. I am forgiven for all the sins of my past and the sins of my future. I am free to live my life without the guilt of what I’ve done. I will no longer define myself by my past nor will I expect future mistakes.
I am forgiven.
I am forgiven.
Langkawi, Malaysia
