3 Years Ago:
August 2014, I was a sophomore in college and still pretty new at really digging deep into a relationship with the Lord. I knew the joy and love of knowing Christ and thought I was on the right path of “having it all together.”
2 Years Ago:
August 2015, I began junior year with my new major of Math Education and the dream of teaching missionary kids overseas in the future. I had an amazing job and great friends. I was involved in a local church where I helped with the children’s ministry. Definitely getting closer to completely “having it all together.”
1 Year Ago:
August 2016, finally. Senior year. My plan of “having it all together” started going south when I decided to change my major to just math and picking up an economics minor. What am I supposed to do with that?! People say there are a lot of jobs available for me, and the options were endless, but none of them really shouted my name, ya know. But I loved the classes, so God would use that for His glory… so I was still on the right path of “having it all together.”
6 Months Ago:
February 2017 is when I received a phone call to inform me I was accepted to the World Race. The excitement and anticipation was very high. It was so hard to concentrate on school, because what’s the point of good grades if you’re gonna do missions, right?! I was right at the edge of “having it all together.”
3 Months Ago:
May 2017, I just graduated college and was ready to share the Gospel on a crazy mission trip. Fundraising was in full swing and the goodbyes had begun. Definitely “had it all together.” I was completely trusting that God would provide funds and lead me where He wanted me to go! I was ready to serve Him with everything I had. I was fully equipped and nothing was gonna hold me back.
3 Weeks Ago:
August 3, 2017. Off to World Race Launch for me! There were some tears for sure, but that’s to be expected when leaving family for a year right?? I was still strong. “No weakness here,” I would remind myself. Struggling a little emotionally, but I was about to leave on a mission trip… don’t worry, I still “had it all together.”
The Past Few Weeks:
To be completely honest, all the days are running together, so I don’t have an exact moment to point out when everything I thought I had together came tumbling down.
I just know that I was feeling guilty. I felt like a fraud. I want to be an encouragement to those who come across my blog, and while I am being completely honest and real when writing those, I’m only telling the successes. I’ve been sharing the bad times, BUT only after I’ve already figured it out.
I’m making sure y’all think “I have it all together.”
Why should I share the ugly stuff? Why do others need to know my struggles?
I’ll be sure to let everyone know, after me and God figure it out…that sounds like a good plan; no vulnerability there… PERFECT.
But that apparently is not what God had in mind for me on the Race.
I flew across the Atlantic Ocean ready to help others, grow closer to God, and see where He would use me.
Little did I know that God planned on taking a wall down that, quite frankly, I either have forgotten about or didn’t know was there.
God placed me on a very patient and loving team and provided us with a passionate and gracious squad leader that are calling out lies and doubts that I [apparently] believe about myself and that are affecting my relationship with others and even with Christ.
I wish I could share more, but at this moment, I’m still trying to figure them out myself.
I hesitated to write this blog, because I hate being pitied or seen as weak, so being open and letting others in is not something I’m very experienced in.
But, I believe a new chapter in my story has begun, and I want to be real with y’all…
…I’ll start by admitting, I don’t have it all together.
