This past week has proved to be one of the most trying weeks of my life. After Hurricane Irma delaying my squad’s travel plans to Colombia, a 16 hour bus ride, minimal sleep, a new country and city to call my home, and being so far away from my family when they needed me the most has left me broken.
One Thursday, September 14th, my mom had her mastectomy. I was 2,072 miles away while my mom was undergoing major surgery. Realistically, I knew I could physically be of no help as she was now in her surgeons’, and most importantly, God’s hands, but not being there to uplift and comfort her broke my heart. On Thursday, all I wanted to do was to be with her and my family, yet I was 2,072 miles away.
This fact of me being so far away and unable to be of any assistance aside from prayer, made me feel waves of guilt for not fully being here with my team, my squad, and to those I have been called to minister to. I began questioning my place on the squad and if I was truly a contributing and useful member to my newfound community.
On top of this pain and confusion, being on a squad with primarily girls and apart of an all girls team, I have been noticing that my mindset has been reverting back to that of when I was a competitive gymnast and in the gym 7 hours a day, 6 days a week with primarily girls. Now don’t get me wrong, I still love my former gymnastics teammates to death, and I am so in love with my WR squad and team, but there’s a reason why I quit gymnastics and got as far away from that environment as humanly possible.
For the longest time when people asked me why I quit gymnastics I would blame it on the continual seasons of injuries, but that is definitely not the entire truth. The main reason I chose to give up the sport that was once the focus of my life was because the environment became so overwhelmingly toxic and detrimental to my mental and physical health.
At 10 years old, I had a coach that would weigh me every Monday. Even though I was only around 65 lbs at this age, she still encouraged and pressured me into losing more and more weight just so that I would look like some of the other younger, smaller, and leaner girls on the team. This continued for years until I switched gyms, but it was too late. Comparing my body, my intelligence, my talents and abilities to anything and everything that walked became my new normal. Hating myself, having no confidence in my gifts and praying every night that I would wake up as someone “better” became my new normal. Like I said earlier, having this type of mindset day in and day out for 7 years eventually became too much to handle, so I chose to quit, but without completely dealing with this issue. And now, being in an environment with so many girls is making these thoughts come flooding back. Feelings of unworthiness and uncertainty in myself this past week have left me broken.
However, this time is a little different. My newfound intimate relationship with the Lord is going to make truly overcoming these thoughts and feeling so much more easier. A couple nights ago, the squad was having listening prayer time, where we have time to just sit and have a conversation with our creator. Conveniently, our focus question that night regarded spiritual gifts and what He wants our focus to be over these next 9 months. After a while of not hearing anything profound, I heard Him say clear as day “light makes light”. All week, people have been telling me how I walk in joy and exhort this to those I come in contact with, but because I have been having so much internal conflict, I didn’t believe them. How could I be someone who walks in joy when the only thing I did on my mom’s surgery day was cry? And how could I have the gift of exhortation when still to this day I sometimes go to sleep at night wishing to wake up as someone else?
This is where free will comes in. I realized that I could either choose to dwell in the past and in the pain, or choose have faith that our God is greater than my mom’s cancer, my worries and my pain. Thus, choosing to walk in joy in the midst of trials.
Because even if I think I’m broken, the Lord still sees me as a child of light. So, I’m choosing to create more light.
“For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light.” – Ephesians 5:8
