At training camp, our squad mentor, Kacie Tillman, got an image from the Lord about each of us being gardens. He spoke to her about the beautiful things that each person on our squad will grow individually. He spoke about how we’re chasing growth, not perfection. He told her that this year would be a year of growth for everyone and, by the end, we would each have soil that’s fertile and ready to be tilled. We would be ready to go out into the world and actually be able to share all of the amazing things that the Lord has done for us.
I heard her talking about this image, thought it was cool, but pushed it to the back of my mind. At the Awakening, I asked the Lord what He had to say about India. He gave me my own very unique image of a garden.
He told me that India would be like the two of us walking through a garden together. As we walked, the Lord would be pointing out all of the beautiful flowers. He would romance me with the uniqueness of each of the flowers. As we walked, He would also point out the thorns. He would point out the places that hurt, ask me to prick my finger on them, and feel the hurt. After a while, I would be able to point out the flowers and thorns for myself. I wouldn’t need Him to be pointing them out for me anymore. He said that it would be a beautiful time of truly exploring my garden and knowing the fullness of it.
As He continued to grow this image throughout the month, He showed me that I couldn’t fully experience the flowers if I didn’t feel the fullness of the thorns. I couldn’t try and push the thorns to the corner and expect to not lose the roses that came with them. I needed to appreciate the fullness of the rose, thorns and all, in order to fully see it’s beauty.
The Lord obviously knew what He was talking about because WOW India has been exactly what He promised it would be. He’s shown me the hurts in my current life and in my past. He’s allowed me the space to process them and feel the fullness of them. He’s given me the vulnerability to talk about what it feels like to truly feel these hurts.
It’s been painful but it’s been so, so good. Instead of numbing these things, I’ve actually been able to feel them fully. In turn, I’ve been able to feel the fullness of all the joy that the Lord has given me. Our brains don’t allow us to selectively numb emotions. As we choose into our hard emotions, we’re also choosing into fuller, more genuine joyful feelings.
The Lord (and Brene Brown?) has shown me what it looks like to own my story and love myself through it. It brings hurt, vulnerability, trust, fear, and joy.
SO, so much joy.
Our squad is getting ready to head in to the hills of India. We’ll be splitting into our teams and diving into the rural, remote areas of India to really spread the gospel and make a difference. Please keep us in your prayers as we make this transition!!
