This blog goes out to everyone that surrounded me in my grief. To those who are walking with others through their grief. To everyone with good intentions. To people that don’t know how to deal with someone that’s walking through deep grief. This isn’t to condemn you. This is just to encourage you as you continue to walk with people who deal with grief. It’s to bring awareness of how much weight your words carry and the effects that they can have.
Please don’t tell me to “stay strong”.
Not when I’m in the deepest grief I’ve ever experienced. I’m not strong. I’m so so weak. I don’t need to be strong for those around me. It’s okay to be weak. The Lord placed people in my life in order to carry me in moments like this. The Lord is the only one that’s required to be strong in this situation. I’m super weak but the Lord is strong enough to carry all of my weak.
Please don’t tell me that it will be okay.
It really doesn’t feel that way. It’s not encouraging. It doesn’t give me hope that your words are valid. Listen to me in this time that I’m really not okay.
Please don’t send sweet texts in the beginning if you’re not planning on staying around.
I don’t need someone else to leave me. I don’t need another false thing to place my hope in. If you’re not planning on staying for the ugly when everyone leaves, don’t pretend to be there for the easy part in the beginning.
Please don’t sympathize with me.
Don’t tell me you know how I feel. Don’t just shout encouragements at me. Sympathy drives disconnection. Don’t tell me that you know how I’m feeling when you don’t.
Please don’t say you’re praying for me if you’re not.
It’s lying. It’s not actually helpful. If you tell me you’re praying about issues and I don’t see answers, it makes me question who this God is and if He actually cares.
Instead:
Please DO continually ask me how I’m doing.
Not just after the initial shock of grief, but during the weeks and months following. On anniversaries and birthdays. When you notice a difference in behavior. When everyone else has moved past and forgotten about my grief, please do keep asking me how I’m doing. I haven’t forgotten.
Please DO listen to me without trying to fix me.
I don’t need you to tell me it’s going to be okay. I don’t need you to tell me that he’s in a better place. I don’t need you to tell me that I should be strong and find the joy in all situations. Sometimes things just hurt and that’s okay. Allow me to be in my hurt. Listen to why it’s painful without feeling the need to fix me.
Please DO treat me like a human with real feelings.
I’m not someone that needs to be avoided. I’m not someone that’s too fragile to talk about things that are happening inside my head. I have feelings. You do too. They don’t need to be avoided. They just need to be acknowledged and treated like things that are worth being felt.
Please DO empathize with me.
If sympathy drives disconnection, empathy fuels connection. I don’t need you to tell me that you know how I’m feeling, but try to step into the hurt with me. Try and understand what I’m feeling and why I’m feeling that way. If you want to be a part of my process, you need to actually step into the depths with me and take on those emotions as best as you know how.
Please DO actually pray for me. And tell me when you do it!
If you’re being honest about it, it’s an incredibly sweet gesture. Bringing my grief and hurt to the only person that’s truly able to heal it. Taking this situation out of your own hands and placing it in the hands of the only person that’s actually able to fix anything. Letting me know that you’re thinking of me and praying for me at random times during your week means more than you can imagine. Also, more often than not, if you’re feeling prompted to pray for someone it is the Holy Spirit coming with the knowledge of exactly the kind of encouragement that a person needs.
Again, this isn’t supposed to condemn you. I’m not blaming you for anything you’ve ever said to me. Honestly, I don’t remember 99% of it. I want to bring awareness so that you’re able to love on your friends and family better. So that when others are going through hard times, you know how to comfort them in a loving, healthy way.
If you’re reading this and you surrounded me while I was grieving, thank you. Thank you for your words and your encouragements and your hugs.
If you’re reading this and you weren’t with me during my grief, thank you. Thanks for being with me now. Thanks for continuing to uplift and encourage me. Thank you for continuing to love on me and listen to me. Thanks for allowing me the space to find the joy in the sadness. Thanks for listening to my stories and encouraging me to open up about my life. Thank you for reading my blogs and leaving all of your sweet comments!
Each person is different and everyone needs to be loved in a different way, but I would encourage you to continue to think about your words before you say them. And when you don’t have any words, bring it to the Lord. Submit it to Him in prayer and continue to be present.
I love y’all and thanks for reading!!!
