What I am about to share with you is something I truly thought I could prevent from ever happening. Its something I have fought for a very long time, and honestly I am too tired to continue. Don’t get me wrong, I am SO thankful that God has led me to this point and I am excited to share. What is it that I have tried to keep secret, smother, forget about, and deny? The calling God has placed on my life.
In hindsight, I have always felt a “strange” connection to God every since I can remember. I never had a difficult time understanding mankind’s need for Jesus, and I knew I needed Jesus at a very young age. I was 12 the first time I felt a call on my life, and “it” was confirmed by many different people including my grandfather and grandmother (Big Daddy and Nana). I realized for myself that God’s people were my heart when I was 16. I didn’t really know how to approach this feeling, so I tried to forget about “it” and put all of my focus in to college and finding a career. I ended up changing my major 5 times before I was a junior and all the while the thought of what I knew I was suppose to do crossed my mind time and time again. Every time “it” crossed my mind, I would focus even more in school in the attempt to smother “it”. When I graduated, I realized that the pursuit for a career and success were leaving me empty still. I knew my heart’s desire and I tried to deny “it”. Although I was in denial, I was in pursuit of Christ and finding fulfillment in Him. During my search for the “something more” is when I found The World Race. I didn’t necessarily feel the call to be a missionary, but I knew I was being called in to missions during this season of my life.
So here I am sitting in Month 3 of my Race trying wrap my head around the fact that I am actually half way across the world from the home I have always known and trying to put into words what God has done in my life. During Month 2, “it” was spoken over me 9 times… My initial thought: “Thank God I am in eastern Europe right now and I can just keep “it” secret. I prayed about “it” and a few days later found enough courage to share “it” with a select few of my friends that I felt safe telling.
I am done with that. I am tired of telling God no. I am tired of trying to create my own life. I am tired of selling myself short of what God has for me. I am tired of not living completely in His will.
It was not an easy decision to publicly voice “it” for many reasons. The main reasons being that I may not have what it takes or that people may not believe in me. At times, I don’t even know if I believed in myself. Basically I was living in pure fear of being unqualified to do what God had called me to do. Overall, these lies have been the source of this ongoing battle.
Being able to face this obstacle head on, I now have a completely new lens. I realize that I have only been called to do one thing: be obedient. I don’t have to have what it takes, I just need the One who has called me. This call is not about me; Its about what Jesus can do through me.
Galatians 2:20 says: “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” He has taken this life that was completely broken and has made it new through His power. His Spirit is at work in me and has given me a testimony of redemption and an opportunity to show the world the power of what God has done in me.
Through Him and only Him, I now have a purpose in this life. Which leads me to 1 Corinthians 12:12: “ The body is a unit, though it is made up of many parts; and though all its parts are many, they form one body. So it is with Christ.” What God calls us to do is not just powerful, but specific. We all have a specific part to play.
This is all to say that I have accepted (as if I had a choice) the call God has placed on my life and I will confidently pursue all that God has for me. I do not say this with a light heart, but with one that is full: I have been called to pastoral leadership.
I do not know exactly what it looks like or where this journey will take me, but I do know that I will show up. I am ready to step in to all that God has created me to be.
“I will build my life on the mystery of where You call me, and I will go into the unknown.” -lyrics from Unkown by Mosaic MSC
