right now, i’m living life.
i feel like sometimes it’s easy to forget that life is continually going on although I am across the world in Botswana, Africa. Butttttt – it is.
Hard things are happening back home. Leaving the country the probability that life stagnates and everything stands still while im gone is a completely oblivious way of thinming. Life goes on, even when i’m not home to experience it, at home. Good things, bad things, all things.
I got news the other day that broke my heart into tiny bits and pieces. My mom called me to tell me that one of my best friends had days to live because of the aggressive cancer that was overtaking her body. Hard things happening. December 5th, 2017 I lost one of my best friends due to stage four, round cell sarcoma, a rare and aggressive form of cancer. Bella was 18 years old, just graduated high school, entire life ahead of her. She passed away 10 days ago today and it’s something i’m having to sift through overseas. Far from my family and also hers. Being far from home and hearing news like this is hard.
Feeling impotent anxious, and confused are some things i’m struggling with. During this time, my world is weird. I’m in Africa. With 12 women i admire. Ministering to the women we live with, and the children of our village. Alongside women that have shown me incredible compassion and love in the darkest parts of the night. All of them have been incredible to me in ways of variation but right now I want to tell you a little bit about what one of my ladies, Lillabea Cochran. (www.lillabeacochran.theworldrace.org) I’m sure you’ve heard about her briefly in previous blogs, she’s pretty amazing in more ways than one, but if you haven’t – she’s been teaching me a ton about what it looks like to live in a celestial sanguine. What. A. Woman.
When we were in the Dominican Republic two months ago, Lillabea spoke these words aloud as some that she wrote down in her journal and wanted to share with us for our little room of four to hear. She expanded on what celestial sanguine meant to her which i don’t remember word for word, so i won’t try and do her words justice because i physically can’t – but i do remember the words resonated deeply with my soul and mind.
celestial meaning – belonging or relating to heaven. heavenly.
sanguine meaning- optimistic or positive in an apparently bad or difficult situation.
The words together to me, sound reassuring, words of hope and encouragement. And they’ve been words that haven’t left my brain since the second I heard them. Always at the back of my mind, I never would’ve thought I needed to find application in those words. Lillabeas been incredibly encouraging in more ways than one, pushing me to take my big questions to the feet of Jesus all while remaining optimistically positive. but not only and optimistic positive, a heavenly optimism. Relying on the Lord to take my confusion and pain and carry the weight of it all. I’ve been writing “celestial sanguine” on the inside of my feet everyday as a reminder to physically walk in these words, despite my circumstances. Something I’m learning about and finding great application in right now. A phrase she taught me, that’s giving me hope. hope to cling onto with white knuckles and sweaty palms. changing my perspective. changing my life. Life right now, is hard. Circumstances, are hard. But i’m learning a lot about what it looks like to be utterly dependent on the lord even in the depths of dispair. God never promised us growing would be easy. Growing pains are inevitable. right now, I’m just growing.
I wrote these words in my journal & i wanted to share them with whoever you are wherever in the world you may be, reading this: “to live in a celestial sanguine won’t be easy. it’ll come with great challenge, but the Lord, OUR God, is my refuge. He’s my strength in the darkest valleys, in the driest deserts. He will breathe peace and love back into my burning lungs as I exhale the pain and impotence I’m feeling with each breath. He is Dad. He is provider. He is our source of life abounding. and I will praise him even when things hurt, like hell. God, thank you for who you are. For picking me out of the utter darkness and calling me home to you. For being my protection and love in tomes like these. I thank you for Lillabea. For her words, for using her to restore hope in a painful situation. For giving her eyes to see me and a heart to empathize with mine. For giving her the ability to rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn. Thank you for using her as a vessel to not only the people all around the world, but also as someone in my own world. I am thankful, thankful always.”
I’m hurting right now, but i’m also extremely grateful to be here. And I want to stay here,
i’m
growing in ways unfathomable that I wouldn’t be able to do anywhere else. I have $2,426 dollars left to raise in order to remain here on the field. I’m thankful to be here and I honestly couldn’t see myself anywhere else alongside anyone else. Please, prayerfully consider donating to keeping me on the field to further the kingdom. People of the world, hurt. They experience pain, and loss, and brokenness. In every place i’ve been, i’ve seen it with my own eyes. And right now i have the opportunity to share with them the God that I know remains faithful and Holy. I still have 2 months to go in South Africa and 3 months in the Philippines. I believe that God called me into this season of life spent abroad and i can’t imagine leaving early. I’d appreciate any continuation you have to generiously give. Whether it be partnering with me in prayer, or financial support. Both crucial in my journey. Donating is super easy – just go to www.dasiaolivares.theworldrace.org and click on the little button that says donate & enter the amount. I appreciate you for reading this. I mean it. my gratitude runs deep.
