Ok guys, so I have been struggling with anxiety and fear for about 2 weeks. They have been lying to me and causing me to ask all kinds of ‘What if‘ questions.
What if I don’t like my new team? What if they don’t like me? When are we going to Thailand? Where are we going? What am I doing after the World Race? What if I get married again? What if I get divorced again? What if God calls me to move to another country? What is my calling? What is my purpose? When will God tell me something about that? Why am I afraid? Why am I so weak? Why can’t I shake off this constant anxiety?
I haven’t felt like this since right after my divorce when I was unsure of my future and unsure of what God had planned for me. I talked to my team mates about this and they prayed for me and I felt a little better but it came back.
When we arrived here in Siem Reap, Cambodia, I tried to be ok with all the changes coming up. I tried to trust God. I prayed and prayed. But I still had that feeling in my gut; that anxiety.
So after the conference we had, The Awakening, we had to move out of the guest house we were staying at. They pretty much told us to find a place to stay on the floor with other team mates who already had a room in another guest house since there were 3 other squads moving out sporadically from rooms and it was a very complicated and intricate and difficult to explain switcharoo going on.
I was sitting in my plastic lawn chair on the roof of the building listening to the words, “talk to the people who currently have a room and see if they have any room on the floor for your sleeping pad”, and for the first time in my life I suddenly understood Joseph and Mary traveling to Jerusalem.
”There’s no room for you here,” echoed in my heart. WOW! What an awful feeling.
I tried to find a place to stay and couldn’t. Since I don’t like to push things, I just kinda withdrew and my anxiety level went even higher than it already was. And it was really high at this point already.
I talked with one of my teammates and she reminded me, “Cristina, you’re the resolver. You can resolve this!”
The Lord used her to remind and encourage me. Immediately I started to pray and the Lord helped me find a place to lay my head. But wow, what a feeling. No place for you in the Inn.
I believe God worked it out this way because He had some plans for me and had some work He wanted to do in me. It was perfect! Of course it was. God’s timing is perfect.
So here begins my journey of getting rid of fear and anxiety. My issue was that I knew all the right things to do and all the right things to pray but it was still external. It wasn’t going inside me so that I felt peace in my heart and soul like I had before. I talked to my teammate about this and I was telling her all the verses I’ve been meditating on and just processing out loud with her. Then she had to go so she prayed for me. As she was praying, the Holy Spirit’s Presence became so strong and she was saying some really key things that I needed to hear. She mentioned that God was bringing a harvest in my life because of all the years I’ve been sowing. And God had told me that a couple weeks before. Then she said, “Don’t you remember all that things that God has got you through? This is nothing compared to the things you have been through in your life. Don’t forget what God has done for you.” And then I realized what song was playing while we were praying. It was a song that changed my perspective right after I left my ex-husband and didn’t know what to do. It’s called “Cageless Birds” by Jonathan David & Melissa Helser. I have been set free. I am free. Why am I living like a slave. Another song on that album (On the Shores) is “No longer slaves.”
After she prayed, I went back to my room and knew things were changing. She was right. This was nothing compared to some of the things I’ve had to deal with in my life and God has gotten me through each struggle or hardship. I listened to the whole album and read Romans 8. Romans 8:15 talks about not being a slave to fear anymore. I am a child of God! Many of the songs on that album spoke about fear and Romans 8 talks about us being adopted into God’s family. We are His children. I didn’t realize until right now that this whole chapter is about Living life through the Spirit. Wow.
Anyway, so I was on my way out of this pit. I had a few messages I’ve been wanting to listen to and I chose to listen to one. I didn’t know exactly what it was about, except that it was about the Holy Spirit. And guess what? It was exactly what I needed to hear. It talked about how to walk in the Spirit, be led by the Spirit and live by the Spirit. I realized that I have been neglecting my relationship with the Holy Spirit and that I have not been feeding my spirit man or my inner man. So I was asking God how to strengthen my inner man and He reminded me about a little book I read called “Prayers to Strengthen Your Inner Man’’ by Mike Bickle. Please google it and get it. It’s a PDF and it’s free. Also the second part of that book talks about how to develop your relationship with the Holy Spirit. I needed both of those things.
The really powerful thing I learned about how to feed my spirit with the Word of God was that in order to walk in the Spirit, be led by the Spirit and live by the Spirit you have to have an active and vibrant relationship with the Holy Spirit and that what you have done in the past for that will not hold you over for very long. It needs to be consistent and ongoing. In my next blog, I will talk more about this and explain it. It was so good and I will try to put the video in my blog too. I’m not sure how to do that yet but I will work on it.
I know this blog is long but there’s just so much that happened and I want to share it all with you because you guys are very special to me. I want you to know what’s been going on not just around me but also inside of me.
Anyway, so after I realized that I have been starving my inner man, my teammate was asking me what had I been doing before the Race that I haven’t been doing on the Race. That really got me thinking. Before the Race, I had been doing everything I knew to so that I can be healed and made whole again and I was very intentional about that. It was my priority. I was very internally focused and it was amazing. God did such a beautiful work of restoration and healing in me.
Since I have been on the Race, my focus changed from internal to external. I was praying for my teammates, other people, figuring out how to live in community and building healthy relationships with my teammates, doing ministry, evangelizing, teaching English, building relationships with people and our hosts and dealing with a lot of physical things like traveling at the end of each month and doing my treasurer work, etc. I was still praying but it was for all these things I mentioned above.
After I thought about it, I came up with a few things I had been doing before the Race that I wasn’t doing anymore or at least not doing as much as I was before.
1) Learning new things, like you do when you go to church every Sunday or listen to different messages or going to conferences that challenged me and taught me a new way of looking at things or a new way of doing things.
2) Times of worship with a group of people. There is just something that happens during that time that is so special and powerful and really fed me. God would reveal many things or tell me many things during worship time at my church.
3) Speaking in tongues. I’m not sure why I stopped doing that or why I didn’t do it as much.
4) Times of corporate prayer. Again, it’s so powerful and beautiful when a group of people get together and agree in prayer about something. I had that at my church every Tuesday night and it was so wonderful and it fed me so much.
I’m saying all this because I want to testify about how good and faithful God is and how, as I was seeking Him, I found all that I needed in Him. I want to share some lessons I learned while going through this struggle with anxiety and fear and I will in my next blog. Love you guys!!
Hi from Siem Reap, Cambodia. We are leaving to Thailand tomorrow morning. Please pray for our safety. Thanks.
