You are more than words can say
Whenever I imagined myself when I was younger, the person I imagined looked nothing like who I actually was. Not just on the outside, but in everything she did. I imagined a person who was confident, and loud, and carefree, and everyone liked her and knew her. She was fearless. And for a girl who was consumed by her fears, that woman seemed so amazing, and that’s who she wanted to be. Because a quiet, shy girl was… just that. That’s all anyone would say about you because that’s all they knew. You were shy and on the outside, that’s all people can see.
No matter how many good things I heard, the bad ones were always louder, and sometimes, even the positive comments morphed into negative ones in my head.
You get called quiet enough times, that the word starts to feel like less of a description or observation, and more of a command. I’ve been called quiet so many times I never even knew how to have a voice because no one expected it, and all I heard was that I didn’t have one.
You get called skinny enough times and soon enough, you feel like you can never be anything else. If you become something else, people won’t like you. You constantly feel like you’re lacking, and have to keep up with what people say, because someone else is always skinnier so you’re not good enough.
You get called fearful, and that becomes the sticker you wear. You look at the world through a lens of what could go wrong. Your imagination is distorted into using it to think of how the world could hurt you.
I have been learning this month about what it actually means to have your identity in Christ. I have always sought out people’s approval. When they said good things about me, then I felt empowered. If they said it about me, it must be true! The problem with living that way is that if people say something bad about you, that must also be true. If you define who you are based on what people say, you will have a very distorted image of yourself, because often people who try to define you, don’t know you.
The words people say about me do not define me. Whether they are good or bad, my identity and worth is not reliant on what they think.
God created each person. When he did, he gave them gifts, he bestowed on them passions, he instilled in them abilities.
Who we are does not change based on what people say about us.
We all have words that stick with us and drag us down. Maybe there’s truth in them, maybe there’s not, but whatever they are, they are not a full image of who you are.
Who you are is more than words could ever articulate.
In Peru, I have the opportunity to be friends with a number of Peruvian children. I love them so much, and I am honored to have their love. These kids are wild, exciting, fun, personable, thoughtful, mischievous, clever, curious, disobedient. They also have a tendency of being disrespectful and selfish. These are all words that hold some truth, because I’ve spent a lot of time with them and seen them played out. But I know that these words don’t even for a moment come close to describing all that these kids are.
A few days ago I was discouraged and exhausted. I love these Peruvians kids so much, yet they continue to disobey me, test me, and fight with each other. I know enough Spanish to know what they are saying about each other and me, but speaking about forgiveness and Jesus is very hard to do, my Spanish is not that advanced.
I finally got to a point where in my prayer, I just straight up said, “I can’t do it.” I repeated that in my head over and over again. In response, the verse, “Walk by faith, not my sight,” came into my head.
When I look at these kids, I see them fighting, or not listening, but I also see them laughing and playing and taking care of me when my leg is bleeding. I see them coming to church just to give me a hug. I see them taking care of their siblings. I see them holding tightly to me and asking me to sit with their family. I see them, and I know that God is working inside them in ways I will never know. What I do know is that my actions matter, and God can use them. He can use me with my broken Spanish and inexperienced teaching. Love and grace speak louder than words sometimes.
(Please be praying for these children)
Words are not bad to use to describe someone, but they can easily become a label that limits who we think we are, and what we can do. For me, that’s why it is important to remind myself that although these are words that at times can be true, they do not come close to describing all that I am.
I am not the exact image of who I thought I would be. Sometimes I get scared, I look like a mess most days, I could be more confident. But in the midst of this, I have come to love the person I am, even if I’m still figuring out who that totally is.
Update on where I’m at in the world: Today is my last day in Peru,
Headed to Ecuador for a Retreat for a weekend,
Then India!!
