This past week I couldn’t sleep and we had just gotten WiFi at our house. I crept down to the kitchen to call my mom. I was so excited to talk with her. As soon as we got on the phone, I got so frustrated. I couldn’t get through a sentence without the connection cutting out. I got so mad because every time I tried to tell a story, my mom would start saying, “Christiana? Are you there? I can’t hear anything” I finally got through a couple stories before I told her I had to go to bed.
Before I hung up, I apologized. I expressed how I was sorry that I took my grumpiness out in her, cause I knew she would still love me. I felt like I should stop calling because I’d just be a grump with poor cell connection and too much to say.
This is how my mom responded, “Christiana, I want you to bring me that. I want to know how your doing. I want you to bring me your grumpy side, I want to know how your doing.”
I am beyond blessed.
For those of you who have had the pleasure of knowing Susan Cole, you know that her love is vast. She is a woman that loves people so genuinely. So many of the good things about me came from you. People tell me I have such a servants heart, they tell me that I love people so genuinely. I grew up every day watching a woman who loved and served people well, who was a constant example to me of these things.
This week I have felt so done. I haven’t wanted to read my bible. I haven’t wanted to pray. I haven’t wanted to talk with anyone about it. I retreated away without knowing what to do. I tried to pray but my prayers felt weak.
I listened to a podcast this morning, “Engaging Hope in Seasons of Disappointment” by Melissa Helser.
What stuck out to me was that it is not disappointment that is bad, it is remaining in that place. Often we feel disappointment and then immediately feel shame that we felt that way because we know God is good. It is that shame that separates up from God.
From the very beginning in the garden, the first effect we see from sin is shame. Shame, one of the devils strongest tools to separate us from God.
My pastor used to say, “the devil doesn’t try to get us to sin, sin can be forgiven. What the devil tries to do is separate us from God”
Looking back at my call with my mom, I am reminded that her response to me is the same as God’s.
He actually WANTS my grumpy. He wants my everything. Every victory, every emotion, every battle, every sunny day, every thunderstorm, he wants me to invite him in.
Thank you Mom, for even hundreds of miles away showing me how God sees me and loves me. You continue to be my role model day after day.
