During this holiday season, homesickness has crept in at times. It is this longing for the past while also desiring the future to come faster. As humans, we often have a discontent about time, and where we are in it. When you are young, you want to be older and have more freedom. When you are older, you want to be young again and have less cares and responsibility. Although the goal is to be present in the moment, to be present, we have to accept our past and be open to the future.
Since coming on the race I have been discovering new music. Jon foreman, Vance Joy, Lumineers are a few of the bands I’ve started listening to. Growing up I never found my own music, I just listened to what my brothers listened to. For that reason, as a 10 year old I was listening to never shout never and All American Rejects.
Since I’ve started having 60+ hour long travel days, I started downloading new albums to listen to. Every once in a while, I go back to listening to my old Taylor swift albums, and I find so much comfort in them. I can sing along to almost every song in her first album, speak now, fearless, and Red.
These old songs are tied to memories of times with my brother in the basement playing with legos or driving in the car with my Mom. With these new albums I’m listening to, I am making new memories. These songs and lyrics are tied to new memories and adventures.
We cannot relive the past, we cannot redo it. As the holiday season comes along and I am in Chile, my team and I have been talking all about our family traditions and favorite things about Christmas.
Just like listening to those old Taylor swift albums, I find so much comfort in old memories of my family setting up the tree together. Forever my favorite Christmas album is Relienk K’s “Let is snow, baby let it reindeer” because that’s what my brother, Anthony, always put on for us, so that is what true, pure, real Christmas music is for me. I love remembering the weird ornaments we had on our tree, each one carrying an old memory. Whether it was our baby ornament or a piece of wood from our old swing-set, they were all special. I love thinking about my whole family and extended family crowded around the table pouring food on our plates then afterward watching a Christmas movie. I look back and laugh at the times my brothers and I complained about having to wait for family to arrive to open presents. I smile when I think about all the blankets I received over the years and how my obsession with them has not ceased.
I’m so thankful for these past memories, I’ll hold onto them forever. This year I have a new and exciting opportunity to experience Christmas in Chile! I have a family that has sacrificed so much to have Tori and I stay with them. They have given us rooms, food, washed our clothes, and invited us into their family during a busy holiday season. It is hard to not be with my family during the holidays, but I am thankful that I get to spend it in Chile with some of my greatest friends and with an amazing family!
One of the hardest parts of being away for Christmas is not that I am missing this year, it is the realization that it will never quite be the same. I will never set up my old tree at my old house. I don’t know if everyone will always make it for the holidays. The future always holds so many unknowns. Ever time I look at my email I have more e-mails from colleges. Eventually I will have to make decisions about my future.
Right now I am able to enjoy now because I can look back and embrace my past; the good, the bad, and the ugly parts. I am someone who after something happens, I seal it off and move forward. The problem with that approach is those parts of your past have a way holding onto you if you don’t face them. When you try to move on from past pain without dealing/processing it, it will hold onto you and start imprinting your mind with lies. Bitterness and resentment grow out of hearts that refuse to deal with pain and hurt.
I’ve had to look back and see that past relationships that had really hurt me affected how I saw new people. I went into high school wanting to be friends with everyone. And I ended up have the most amazing friends in high school, but there were also people who I tried to be friends with that acted like my friend then out of nowhere stopped talking to me. Once I started talking about that on the race, I realized that I had built up resentment against people who were “goodie goodie” kids, because those were the people who had hurt me. This week I told my mom that I didn’t want to apply to a leadership program at a college because I didn’t want to hang out with people like that. I was judging them based on past hurt without even giving them a chance.
-What areas of your past are you avoiding? How could it be effecting how you live your life or see other people?
Right now I am able to enjoy the present because I can look forward and embrace my unknown future. The future is a hard thing to look at. No matter how many times I hear, “God has a plan for my life,” I still don’t know what that plan is. The future requires trust and faith in God. It is so easy for me to start worrying about which college to go to, I want to please my parent and my friends, and then I also want to find the best option for me. The thing about the future is we don’t even know how far it goes. Life is fragile. Day by day we have to trust God’s timing, His guidance, His will. I find comfort in the fact that even death, the thing that seems to separate us from everything and everyone, has been defeated by my Jesus. No matter how long my time is here, I know that one day when my body here fails me, I will see the face of my father and know that I have reached home.
-What fears and anxieties do you have about the future that you need to let go of? How are they hindering you now?
Sometimes I get worried about living in the now. What if I’m not making every moment count? The good news is everyday is a new chance.
“It’s fine to just live in the now, but the best part about now is there’s another one tomorrow, and I’m going to start making them count.” The Spectacular Now
I hope that during this holiday season, you will be able to give God your past, present, and future. I pray that you would be able to rest in his presence and live in the present.
