In moments of extreme stress our brain turns off the higher thinking, cognitive parts and reverts to reptile brain choosing to fight, flight, or freeze. In my case the go to is FREEZE. Like a deer gazing into the bright headlights of an oncoming vehicle, my mind goes blank, my muscles become paralyzed and I sit motionless. In fearful, overwhelming situations this is where I find myself time and time again. Freeze and avoid.
In the case of the World Race this is where I’m at. It’s such an overwhelming, all encompassing, extreme life change that most days I just don’t feel prepared to even think about it. There is so much preparation needed, I feel exhausted just at the thought of it. So I avoid and put it off for another day. I haven’t been interacting or trying to connect with my squad. I haven’t been working on procuring my extensive packing list. I haven’t been actively fundraising for the staggering amount of money I need. What am I even doing? I am clearly, without a doubt operating out of fear.
Generally I consider myself fairly brave, willing to tackle challenges head on and confident in my abilities. When it comes to travel, being away from family and friends, operating in situations out my control, these are all areas where I’m pretty well experienced — so why on earth am I so shaken up by this pending trip?! Especially if I have the certainty this is what God has called to do!
It’s taken me far too long to gain the understanding of why I’m operating out of fear. Currently I’m reading (well listening to the audiobook) Fervent by Priscilla Shire. If you’ve seen the movie War Room, you’ll be familiar with the ideas. The book calls out the reality of intense spiritual warfare in the lives of followers of Christ. Just like I believe in a real, powerful, omnipotent Creator and Savior, there’s also an all too real enemy that does everything in his power to disarm, discredit, and destroy our lives. He’s not the little red devil with a pitchfork surrounded by fire, but rather a seductive, manipulative, invisible mastermind named Satan.
I truly believe I’ve been fighting a sly, well-crafted attack from the enemy since I signed up for the World Race. I’ve been battling the drain of passion and enthusiasm, feeling an intense inadequacy and questioning if I’m sufficient to join my WR squad and an overall sense of fear, trepidation, and failure. This, friends, is not my identity in Christ; these are lies aimed to crush my spirit and God’s will.
How am I going to leave my job I adore at Calo (including all my close students and co-workers)? How am I going to function living out of one pack for a year? How am I going to get everything I need on time let alone pay for it all? How am I going to fit in with the rest of my team? What gifts do I even have to bring to the table of ministry? How on earth am I going to be able to raise the full $18,000? Who would even care to sponsor me? Is this a selfish mission? Is it even worthwhile?
My mind is constantly ruminating on these questions of self-doubt and inadequacy. There’s a certain amount of healthy fear and anxiety before such a monumental, long journey, but this has exceeded healthy levels. The only way to combat these fears is to go back to scripture and refresh my thoughts and identity with truth.
But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for God’s own possession, so that you may declare the goodness of Him who has called you out of darkness into His marvelous light. 1 Peter 2:9
I have no lack for my God supplies all of my need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:19
I can do all things through Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:13
22 But don’t just listen to God’s word. You must do what it says. Otherwise, you are only fooling yourselves. James 1:22
37 Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors and gain an overwhelming victory through Him who loved us [so much that He died for us]. Romans 8:37
20 I am crucified with Christ; nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ lives in me, and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. Galatians 2:20
These verses are great reminders of where my identity is rooted and the mindset from which I should always be operating. However this is NOT the mindset the world inspires making it a struggle to live set apart and counter culture. Awareness is the first step! Now that I’ve become fully aware of my standstill of fear, what am I going to do about it? I need daily reminders of truth to ground me. When negative thoughts creep in, call them out for what they are and revert back to scripture. But best of all I would love to be fully lifted up in prayer! Already the battle has become fierce and I truly covet all of your prayers to keep me focused and on mission. I’ll keep you all posted as I continue prepping and stepping out regardless of feelings of fear. Only 4 months until launch!!!
