I have no choice.
In 9 days i will be deplaned in the United States and the Race will be over.
Im not ready.
I have no plans, and i will miss how ive been living…in some respects it was like becoming a child again: being told where to go, when to go, how to go, being taken care of, and simply following.
But the hardest thing about coming home is having to hear everyone talk about how theyre going home to so many people missing them and happy to have them back.
“My Dad said hes going to spoil me when i get back!”
“I already told my Mom to make [specifically named food]!”
I dont have that feeling. I feel isolated – and i lack the parents/home to return to like that. I have had people pour out what little they have. They have shared from their own place of need. And im so grateful for that! Thats not what i am refering to when i say “i want to be spoiled”, cause ive had so much generosoty poured out on me this last year!
I mean… i have spent a lot of time not needing people, and having people not need me. Doing it myself – being self sufficient. Shutting people down or off.
I cant explain fully why. But i feel isolated. And losing my team is hard.
I have mentally created a world where i didnt need people. And i shoved people out of my need to know hoola-hoop.
So now, i feel disconnected from the world due to my last 11 months of reconnection training.
How will i survive?
Already my little snail inclinations are kicking in…
I know now that i need people –
And i acknowledge this burning mental “need” to be spoiled –
I want to say yes if people reach out to me, but ill probably say no.
I dont know how to just let loose and let things happen. …
i dont really know what im saying here.
all i know is i am hella jealous of people who get to say, “i cant wait to be home!”, people who have all these people waiting to squeeze the living daylights out of them. People who have a home to return to. People who have a room waiting for them that they left, full of their stuff.
Im jealous because i know what theyre saying…and i dont have that experience to return to. I dont even know that life. Ive never had it and never experienced it.
Ive been fighting my whole life to just be ok. And the more i experience “ok” the less ok the whole of my life has seemed.
.
without trusting God, with trying to do our own way – make our own security and peace – we reap the fruit of our self sufficiency.
it is a lonely thing…
.
Today i spoke at church, and the word i shared was how God IS with us all in our stories.
So, now i have to trust God in this part too. I am jealous, but i also realize my story’s different for a reason.
.
anyway…i want to be unique. And on this squad i totally am – in a million little ways! So now i guess i should be grateful…
