So…ive had stuff happen that i did not expect at all. I didnt write about it until now because i didnt know what the outcome was going to be, so i gave myself a week before deciding to write this blog.
So, here goes.
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its 3am and im laying in bed in California USA. I got on a plane at 1am in Ethiopia on June 27th and arrived in San Francisco the 28th.
I had already told my Grandfather that id be back for my Grandmothers funeral, and i was keeping my promise. But, it wasnt the situation I’d expected at the end of month 8 when i got a call that my Grandmother had stopped eating for over a week. – i thought id be returning for her funeral. But she’d had a miraculous turn around.
This time, it was my Grandfather. The situation was highly questionable. Acute. That was the word they used, acute stroke. “If he survives it will be a very very long recovery,” the doctors voice reflected the seriousness of his face.
Couldnt you have waited and held off allowing this stroke just 2 months? I asked the Lord. But i had to trust his timing, and why wait to hear that hed passed and come back merely to be at his funeral? Why not come back, have a chance to say goodbye, and see if possible, if i was needed at this time to help here? Yes, i knew in my heart the right thing to do was come back. Those two reasons gave me peace that i was in His will.
I left 3 hours before my team left Ethiopia for Rwanda. My plane went west and theirs headed south to month 9 debrief and then on to start their Month 10 Rwanda ministries.
I landed on US soil and fell into the arms of my sister and the next week went in and out of hospital, rehab, and homes up and down the west coast. I was driving again. I was normal again. And at the same time, nothing was normal. There was sleepless nights, and fear, and tears, and many many deep conversations.
And miracles.
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As my plane crossed 31+ hours over the ocean and countries and states towards my grandfather, God had mercy and within that time he somehow regained the use of his body to the bafflement of doctors and nurses.
I arrived to a man who looked much like id left him. Still, there were some complications, but the progress from totally half paralyzed and illegible speech, to the man who grinned up at me as he made his way down the halls with a cane –
There are no words for that miracle but praise God!
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Then the question tore at me, “Now what?” and “Why? Why did i come back?!?!?” So i spent a lot of time answering those questions with “i had to trust Gods timing.” and “I cant regret my decision cause it was supposed to still be bad, and what if he had passed away and i chose to wait?” And more questions, “Now stay? Now go?“
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And in that decision, through many prayers and discussions with family i finally decided to return to the race for the month and a half left to me.
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Things i learned while here:
1. Increased gratefulness
2. For the majority of the race i have believed a lie that i was not changing.
3. I have and am changing
4. God is using me in ways i count as unusable
5. I matter. Where i am matters. What i do and do not do and say matters.
6. I have more confidence then i did before.
7. God is still providing, and He’s got this. My “after the race” – He’s got that too!
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im sad i missed debrief, im sad i will have missed a week of ministry in Rwanda, im sad i missed little moments with squad mates and time with our two original Squad Leaders who flew out to see us during our brief all-together-time during debrief. Im dissapointed that i used extra money i didnt have. And im grateful i got to dump my big bag (all the stuff i originally packed and never used) back at home. Im so grateful i had a chance to say goodbye to my Grandfather and that i was a help during a very uncertain circumstance and that i could see my sister for a bit.
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it has been hard being back in America when i hadnt planned to be back until september. it was hard to leave the Race not knowing whether i would return. I got the call from my sister in the evening, bought my return ticket that evening, and went to the airport the next night. It was hard to say goodbye to the Race and my team 2 months early in one day – – – and imagining all the questions coming to me from everyone back home…
Im excited and anxious about returning to the Race.
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Being in the USA came with major feelings. Feelings i can only tack up to a form of culture shock.
I recognize the familiar achy confusion and anxious hessitancy about making decisions as i knew to expect from my experience coming and going between Korea and here… but it was still hard to swallow when i got here. I just wanted to go to sleep and not face it – but i didnt have space or time for that once i got here.
– And then just trying to gauge what God wanted me to do while here, and then whether or not to go back on the Race or stay in America – to just feeling “leap” – so to decide to return to the Race … it feels now like falling off a cliff in the dark and hoping theres water down below…
Here’s to what God has next –
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Please pray for my Grandfathers continued health and that he encounter Jesus and be saved.
