I’d never in a thousand years expect anyone to come along, read my list and buy any of this for me.
So I’m going to share it, because it’s outside where I’m willing to go with my faith.
And I feel like Gods saying, “Give it a try! Even sharing it is a good exercise for you.” And, “I promise you nothing.”
So here goes: I probably am going to need a backpack….but I’m not sure yet. I have two backpacks which combined I got under 40 dollars. One’s an old external frame backpack and ones a newer than that but older internal frame backpack – both picked up from second hand sales while I was still dreaming of one day perhaps doing the world race – and both of which I have no idea if I can realistically use.
Let me rewind with a quick statement of sorts: Im not expecting anything from anyone.
Im just sharing cause I don’t want to. And I want my intimacy with others and my faith to grow just that little bit more. To even believe anyone’s reading this makes me laugh.
i think most readers are gonna stop at “buy this for me.”
If you haven’t stopped reading yet when you see the prices of my dreams you probably will.
Dream tent for my trip:
(pictures coming – it’s SO HARD to do this all on my iphone5 cause it won’t let me add pictures…)
Upon Nova Ripstop Lightweight Air Pillar-support Backpack Camping 2 Person Tent
so pretty and happy and yellow and …about $350 if you can find one for sale
Or
the Zpacks™ Duplex Ultralight Two Person Tent
just a pound to carry – but like $600 …
Dream sleeping bag:
The REI Co-op Magma 17 Sleeping Bag – Women’s
so beautiful teal and grey and folds up into this little nalgene bottle size lump..and about $360…
On my budget I’ll probably end up with the Balichun Sleeping Bag – Mummy Lightweight Portable Waterproof Comfort With Compression Sack – which is basically a plastic bag with pull strings…and can be found at Walmart for about $36 dollars.
And my dream vitamin health extra that I’d love to pack and take about once a month or as needed:
LOVE-SUPER-9, 12 week pack – which is $450 of powder supplement that is, as they state: “LOVE Super9 is the ultimate source of natural ingredients that fills your inner body with youthful cells. A proprietary blend of nine different kinds of living organic superfoods – the Super9 (Acai Berries, Goji Berries, Raw Cacao, Spirulina, Maca, Coconut Water, Chia Seeds, Coconut Milk, and Rice Protein Isolate) is packed with antioxidants to provide lasting vitality from inside out.”
so there you have it!
i have no idea what I will do about my backpack. Theoretically I can go to REI and get fitted for a backpack and see what works -…
but honestly, if I knew that my funding and sleeping bag and tent were taken care of then I’d basically have no more issues cause I got what I need to do this trip – and trusting God for the rest is no problem; I wouldn’t need much faith to face this next year…
…And here in lies the catch.
Somewhere in my mind there’s my limits of what I’m willing to hope for; basically as only to the point of what I know is possible. What I’m in charge of and responsible for and that is stuff I just do cause I can do it no problem – and then there’s the stuff that I can’t do and isn’t going to happen unless God does it, and I don’t even think or hope of or really desire it cause what’s the point.
The I do and God does stuff: they don’t mix very well.
When I try and make them coelese it’s like the me stuff and the God stuff merely swirl somewhat together and then slowly separate end up floating apart like oil and water.
As I write this I contemplate my feelings and beliefs about life and stuff.
How I don’t believe that this stuff, my dream stuff is important. And partly that my wishes or childlike awe of these things and the thought that these would be perfect for me and I’d love them are kind of just rubbish to be swept under the rug.
Especially in the face of looming financial need for the costs of even going and doing ministry. Its just the cost of going that I’m raising. So let’s just forget about wanting anything beyond just going. Because that would be a miracle. It would take God and His wishes to even get me out there.
So don’t want Carolyn. Don’t hope, don’t dream, don’t breathe desire. Cause even wanting to go, well, that’s already asking too much.
You’re basic desires are already too much. So settle. Just hold your breath to go and don’t even try for anything more.
….
I have this stirring feeling that Jesus’ guts recoil at these words.
That He would have me go all out buck wild with hope! That deep down if I did that that He would match my hope – that He would outdo my dreams.
But that’s not what life and experience has taught me. It’s taught me to be conservative about my hope. Because you could be greedy or obnoxious with hope and turn people and God off to even wanting to be around you.
…
So here I am Jesus.
I’m writing down my obnoxious wish list.
Will you outdo my dreams?
Going would be enough for me. To see your gospel at work! To worship alongside brothers and sisters Ive never met with songs and words I’ve never heard – dancing in dust your voice created ages ago….
It would be enough.
But I keep feeling you telling me not to put a cap called “enough” on what you want to do for and with me.
i keep feeling you urging me to be dreaming beyond the possible. And it gnaws at me in a painfully fearful way….
So here I am.
What now?
Im afraid of being disappointed but you promised me that your hope doesn’t disappoint.
So what now. I don’t hope for these things, but a greater faith and a greater insight of what you want for me.
I want intimacy with you Lord! Is my lack of dreams hindering your desires in my heart? Whats your dream for me?
Id like to see your list!
