Part of why I’m going is so that God might use me to bless others.
…Kinda seems apparent, right?
But it didn’t even occur to me that just by being willing to go I’d bless others.
It happened yesterday, I was at a friends house since i’ve been tutoring her daughter (in math no less! I refuse to pass up any opportunity God will give me to recieve the financial blessing He’s promised to provide!) and one of her homeschooling partners arrived to discuss things for the next school year.
We started to talking about missions – since my friend outted me – and the lady who arrived was a missionary kid growing up.
“It’s so inspiring to see you living wild for the Lord!” the lady said.
“Am I?” They both nodded, their eyes sparkling and they look at me in a way that registers as awe.
My brain can’t even grasp the possibility.
“You’re just going all out for the Lord!”
I am? Inside my heart squeezes with desperate longing. I totally insanely want to be that person. But I totally feel like the least of these that could possibly be considered as living “wildly” for the Lord.
Is this what it looks like? Cause honestly it’s not very hard…at least practically speaking. I just have to do stuff like send out letters and ask people for money – and if God truly wants me to go He’ll provide the money. Right? Yea….Inside I’m a total wreck. Constantly I’m juggling thoughts of tiredness and responsibility. Constantly fending off thoughts of hopeless impossibility and disappointment and depression.
I can’t even think “what if”. I have to constantly repeat, “God I’m waiting to see your promise! You said you would do it. So what do you want me to be doing right now?”
And I’m just asking for money. How hard is that. It doesn’t feel like wildly following God. It feels….more stressful than anything right now.
I feel helpless and pathetic.
I feel totally humbled that just a small step of obedience can also be a blessing to others.
I feel TOTALLY and UNWORTHINGLY BLESSED!
I can’t believe what a HUGE HUGE blessing it is having partners in this!!! And to think I could be a blessing when I feel I AM the one being blessed @@…
People I would have NEVER expected have stepped up and chosen to pour into me.
Not in a thousand years could I imagine how my heart feels when someone partners with me…and this is part of what God wanted me to experience, and accept: the love and unity of the body: FAMILY.
The deep root of unimportance and self sustainability – self sufficiency is being pulled from my core – like a gigantic carrot sucking from my dirty insecurity.
What do you have to hold onto insecurity?! Only Christ alone.
Inside the fingers of my insecurity are digging into Christ and His plans…shaken. I am being shaken from the place where I stood.
The place where I could say, “Yea. I worked hard so I could go and do this thing for/with Christ and the Kingdom of God.”
I feel like Gods laughing at my small little plans of pride.
Not in a bad way. I feel his grin. “You know that you can’t carry that, right? I love that you want to. Here, follow me. I have something I want to show you.”
Have you seen the movie “Lion”? There’s a scene where this little boy of maybe 6 tries to convince his brother he can come move hay bales with him. “Come on!” he cries, “let me come! Look! Look! I’m strong enough!” He lifts a chair. His brother laughs. “Look look! I’m strong!” He cries again lifting a bicycle. “Ok,” his brother concedes with a wide grin at his brothers passion. “Come on.”
Except for me it’s fear and pride.
I don’t want to hope that others will want to partner with and believe in me and then find myself alone.
I don’t want to be seen as needy and lacking or insufficient. I dont want to be a burden. I don’t want to have to rely on others in case they prove unreliable. I don’t want to be let down or lacking.
God glances at me sideways and grins. I have no idea how powerful he is. How weak I am compared to Him. He doesn’t want to shame me. He just wants me to trust him like a child and not to fear. Not to feel alone. Not to turn away from Him when I’m in need.
“Come here,” He says. “I want to show you something.” I follow him around the corner, and there you are. My roommate, there you are my friend in Korea, there you are my korean bestie, there you are my sister, there you are my dear friend from church, there you are my dear friend from Korea, there you are my dear friend I met in Korea, there you are my old college friend, there you are my sister from another mother, there you are my bossom friend, there you are my korean Coteacher… You are all standing there smiling at me with love in your eyes. You cheer.
My heart squeezes with so much love. I’m afraid to believe it. But Jesus is grinning at me. “It’s real.” He whispers. “This is what familys supposed to feel like.”
I struggle with simultaneously feeling like I shouldn’t accept it and “but I want to so bad”.
“Accept it,” He whispers.
More joy than I knew existed overwhelms my battered heart.
….
So when they say, “You encourage me so much! Just seeing your passion for Christ!” My heart can’t even have imagined it. I’m grateful to be doing good even when I think I’m barely making it.
My brother-in-law said, “You’re in the encouragement business now!” Wow! What a happy thought!
I feel blessed beyond expectation. Yea, I’m not fully funded, but my heart? It’s overwhelmed.
I’ve spent a lot of time loving on others and it’s hard to realize that I have to accept love too. Love that doesn’t come because I’m insufficient or because I’ve earned it enough, but because it freely wants to be with me.
…
Anyway, Thank you for joining me Squad! I just want you to know I’m so grateful and I’m learning to happily and eagerly accept your love, so Thanks 🙂
.
